I’m afraid to try anything. Afraid of failing again—publicly. I wish my father was here, or Cata, to guide me. Yet they’d both probably try to do it for me. It might be for the best that I have to figure this out for myself.
I threw the pile of papers aside. Lorcan cut me a sidelong glance.
“Everything okay?”
“Frustrated.” I sat up. Today, I wore the solid blue dress with the brown sweater, even though it’s warm outside. “Not making headway on anything useful.”
“Take a break.”
“I thought this whole visit was a break.” I got up from my chair.
“Where are you going?” he asked. Lorcan has kept an even closer eye on me than usual, if such a thing is even possible, since I freaked out on his kitchen counter the other day.
“Your birthday is tomorrow—”
“It’s today, actually. The celebration is tomorrow. More people can attend on a rest day.” He made a face.
“Even better.” I kept going, calling back over my shoulder, “I have a gift for you.”
It looked pathetically small. Then again, that’s partly the point. It’s portable. Still, when I think of his extravagance toward me, it feels petty in comparison.
“Go on. Open it.”
Lorcan ripped into the paper. The sketchbook he of course recognizes, having been in the shop with me when I bought it. Making purchases in secret is hardly feasible when you spend every moment together. But the black zippered case marked Castle Art Supplies momentarily baffled him.
“What’s this?”
“You’ll have to unzip it to find out.” I propped my chin on my hand. “It’s not brand-new, unfortunately, but it’s only slightly used. You can’t get them here in Auralia.”
He brightened at the sight of colored pencils. 72 of them, with a few worn at the tips.
“My father brought them back for me on one of his early trips to the outside world. Unlike you, I’m not much of an artist. Ifran’s workers found them in the rubble of my old rooms.”
“I can’t believe you remember my doodles.” Lorcan examined the rainbow array of colors.
“Your sketch of mossy frogs remains my most prized possession.” And always will, no matter what happens between us. “Saskaya is holding onto it for me until I move back into the castle.”
“I’ll have to take it up again.” He kissed my cheek. “Thank you, Princess.”
“Lorcan. What happened with you and Raina?” I’m not sure what prompted my question—I hadn’t intended to ask it, though it’s been kicking around in the back of my mind ever since the call. The instant it’s out in the air between us, I knew it was a mistake.
He zipped the case closed and set it on the table. “Are you sure you want to know?”
No. I am fairly certain I would rather not hear this. But I asked for the truth, even when it was hard or hurtful, so I can’t exactly back out now. I nodded.
“Raina caught one of her maids coming out of my room. It was clear that we had been…” He trailed off uncomfortably. “Together. She was furious with me. I said things I am appalled to remember now.”
“Such as?” A queasy sensation settles into my stomach.
“Essentially that we were consenting adults and she had no right to criticize.”
“Which was true,” I said, trying to be clear-headed about it. He didn’t remember me. So he claims. Remembered nothing of our promises to wait for one another. It hurts that he did that, but Hallie wasn’t wrong.
He stared out into the fields below. “She accused me of stalling in my mission to rescue you. I told her I didn’t care.”
It’s a fist to my solar plexus. “Didn’t...care?” I repeated incredulously.
He nodded tightly. “I didn’t care about much at that point. I was sick of all the killing and yet it was all anyone valued me for. I was good at it, but I hated it.”
