“Not really. I just feel…” I trailed off.
“Feel?” Raina prompted.
“Empty. Alone.”
“You have Tovian and me. Hallie, too.”
Except that I couldn’t go back to River Bend and poison their happiness with my flailing. Being around their joy only makes me feel worse than I already do.
Nor could I stay here and risk betraying my brother. Avoiding the castle as much as possible was necessary to maintaining the fiction that Lorcan and I were to be wed in a few months. We can’t withstand the scrutiny and the constant come-ons from women who still believe he’s fair game.
I had nowhere to go.
I don’t belong anywhere, even within my own country.Especiallywithin my own country.
That evening, the others laughed and joked while cooking supper, passing Sethi from one to another. Tahra shyly tried to flirt with Lorcan, who was more relaxed than I’m used to seeing him. He’s always opened up a bit in kitchens, around food. Apparently, that hasn’t changed. It’s an echo of the years we spent in Scotland, when I would hide in my rooms while Lorcan cooked and the other suite mates socialized.
But while everything else had changed, I remained the outcast. Isolated and unwanted. The sister who can’t even speak the word “brother” aloud. A bride with no marriage on the horizon.
My thoughts were toxic and my heart ached.
Everything I meant to leave at my father’s grave followed me down the hillside. I’ve never been very good at walling myself off emotionally, no matter how hard I tried not to feel. It’s always been pretense.
What will I do when my princess fails become queen fails?
Horrifying, mortifying thought.
I slipped outside onto the deck. No one followed me. I listened to the crickets and let the warm evening soothe my frayed nerves. When I glanced inside through the window, I saw the four of them gathered around the table. Not yet eating, but close. Laughing.
Why can’t I belong?
Why can’t anyone love me, as I am? Forget the titles and the stupid legends. Once I wanted freedom. I wanted to explore and test myself. I wanted sex. (I still do, though it seems unlikely anyone will ever want that with me, now.) But deep down, I just wanted to feel like someone cared about me for a little while. I knew I wasn’t going to find those things at home.
Now, I have no home. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be.
Lorcan glanced up. A moment later, Tahra glanced over at him, then followed his gaze, and frowned when she saw me.
Yeah. I’m not wanted here.
I waited for them to lose interest in watching me, then made my way down the deck and toward the path up the hill overlooking the village. Above the cave where Sas once concealed her rebuilt Sentinel army, before the war. At the top, I sat against the boulder near a twisted old tree, watching the waterfall glint in the setting sun. It’s so peaceful here. I wish I could stay with Saskaya and Sethi, and lose myself in studying. Tinker with machines. Grow a garden.
I wish there weren’t bridges and towns to rebuild, a castle to restore, stone to quarry, roads to repair...outside countries to convince we still have a viable independent government, despite being an entire country in need of rebirth.
I threw a stone down the hillside. Plucked a blade of grass and watched the shadows lengthen. Fireflies danced in the deepening twilight. The time to eat came and went. I ignored the hollow grumble of my stomach, something I’ve gotten good at doing over the past year.
I should go. But where?
Lorcan once warned me there’s nowhere I can run that he can’t find me. I was therefore unsurprised to see a small figure coming up the path toward me, growing larger with each step. I was only surprised it took him so long to seek me out.
Busy with Tahra, probably.
When he approached, I cast him a warning glare. He halted a few feet away, leaning one hand against the tree trunk, his expression tight and troubled. Lorcan is no longer quite as good at concealing his emotions as he once was.
“You missed supper.”
I shrugged. “I find I don’t have much appetite these days.”
My voice hitched oddly. It was hard to form words around the tight ball of hurt lodged in my throat. I tried to swallow it, but the feeling lodged in my chest and grew.
