“Would you like to come up and say something?” Nonni repeats, looking at me, and a quiet pressure settles in my core.
I look up, half expecting her to be asking someone else, but she’s waving a hand at me. She wants me to say something. About a man I spent most of my life despising. About a father I barely knew how to love until it was too late.
The silence stretches as people wait for me to respond. What am I supposed to say? I can’t give them some perfect, tidy eulogy, because nothing about him or our relationship was tidy. My breath is stuck somewhere between my ribs, and I don’t even know if I can stand without shaking.
Underneath the worry, there’s a whisper of something unfinished. Maybe it’s not about saying the right thing but about just sayingsomething. I shift in my seat as everyone continues to stare, and I hope he’d understand if all I can offer is the truth.
I say a quick prayer for God to help me find the right words to say before I stand up, my knees a bit unsteady. Right when I start making my way toward Nonni, I see a small ripple in the crowd, and I freeze. My eyes shift until I seeher.
Olivia.
Not just her but Raine, Ryland, Zane, and Ashton. They're all here.
The words I’d been trying to pull from somewhere catch in my throat. My chest tightens but not in the same way it has been all day. This is something different. Something warm and unbearableall at once.
She came.
Even after everything. I didn’t call her, because I didn’t know if I had the right to, and because I wasn’t sure she’d still want to be anywhere near me. But she’s here. They're all here forme.
Something inside me cracks open. The grief doesn’t go away, and the guilt doesn’t magically disappear, but for the first time since Olivia and I fought, I don’t feel entirely alone.
Fresh tears well in my eyes as I step toward them and embrace their hugs.
“I’m so sorry we’re late. We all wanted to be here for you,” Ryland says.
“Thank you all for coming,” I whisper, trying to give them a smile, but it falters.
I brave a look at Olivia, not sure what I’m going to notice behind her eyes, but I am taken aback when all I see is love. The spiraling, dark thoughts I had moments before all vanish at the sight of her. She sighs and entangles her hand in mine.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
Before I can reply, Nonni steps up and gives Olivia a hug. “I’m so glad you’re here. All of you,” she adds, looking at my friends before her eyes land on me. “You don’t have to?—”
I swallow hard, eyes stinging as I say, “It’s okay. I can say something.”
Nonni pats my cheek before all six of them move to stand next to my mom. I walk to the wooden podium, take a moment to look at everyone watching me, and exhale a calming breath.
“Growing up, I thought my dad was a monster. There was no other way I could describe him. If you would’ve asked me to come up here and say something about him a week ago, I wouldn’t have had anything nice to say. My dad’s choices and actions took me to a dark place. I used to ask God why He chose to give me a father who didn’t love me. Why He chose to put me and my mother and others around him through so much pain.
“And then I realized something as I grew in my relationship with Jesus. That God can be found within those dark places. Oftentimes, we only seek Him when we’re already there. I wasn’t meant to understandwhy,but I was meant to trust God. Because sometimes He has to take us through the darkness so that He can bring us to the light. I used to look at my painful past and saw nothing but failure and defeat. But God…He saw it as a victory.”
I hear a few sniffles in the crowd, and I know if I look out amongst the familiar faces, the words will tumble out and not make any sense—an outpouring of hurt that’s been locked behind a cracked dam for far too long. Instead, I look at Olivia, who’s staring up at me with a gentle and encouraging smile on her beautiful face, and it’s all I need to keep going.
“At one point, I thought I was going to follow in my dad’s footsteps, but it was at my lowest point that I reached out to God and allowed Him to transform my life. I learned that you can’t take the credit or the blame for how you got here. God places people in our lives to shape us into who He’s calling us to become. Even those who hurt us play a part in leading us to where we’re meant to go. And we know that His plans are always for good. So yes, my father was a monster in the past, but his hurtful actions helped to shape me into a better man of God.”
I exhale, my mind drifting off to the memory of the night I was able to forgive my dad. I know what else I need to say, and I look at every face as I continue. I’m not sure how to explain what I feel in this moment, just that every hurt, every sorrowful feeling I had moments before vanishes.
“I was able to spend some time with my dad last weekend. At first, I wanted to avoid him at all costs, but in the end, I was thankful for the little time we got to have together. He was very remorseful for his actions and was aware of the hurt he caused those around him. God not only worked on my dad’s heart, but he worked on mine as well. I was able to forgive himfor everything, which was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. When I did, God chose that moment to redeem Davis, and I was able to walk him through salvation.”
I pause and point toward the casket that lays behind me. “He’s whole now and with Jesus. He mentioned to me a few days ago over the phone that he doesn’t want anyone to be sad. He’d want people to take his life story as a reminder that it's never too late. That redemption is available to anyone.”
As I step down from the podium, I don’t expect an applause once I’m finished, but everyone around me is smiling through tears and clapping. My heart is still thudding from the weight of what I just shared, and all I want is to wrap my arms around Olivia.
She’s standing next to Raine, hands clasped in front of her, eyes already on me like she’s never looked away, and just for a moment, the rest of the world recedes. There’s no anger in her gaze, or distance, only quiet understanding.Thank you for coming. I didn’t think you would. I’m sorry. I missed you.
Not everything is fixed between us, not yet, but it’s a start. And right now, it’s all the push I need to move toward her, as if gravity itself is pulling me in her direction.
When I reach her, she meets my gaze. For a long, suspended second, neither of us moves. Then, with a quiet exhale, Olivia reaches out and wraps her arms around me. My arms come around her, feeling afraid that she might disappear if I let go, but she doesn’t. She holds me like she remembers who I am beneath all the weight I’ve been carrying.
