“I, uh…well, I don’t know,” he stutters, looking down at the carpet.
Tears sting against my eyes and the back of my throat feels like it’s about to close in on itself. I do my best to blink the tears away, not wanting him to see how fear is getting the best of me.
“I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for the next step with you, Samuel. I’m sorry,” I admit and hate myself for the flash of pain behind his eyes when he looks over at me.
“What are you saying?” he asks.
“I’m saying that breaking up was what was best for us. You were right,” I say, the words tasting metallic in my mouth.
The thought of living with him unravels me, and the truth continues to spill out. “I promised myself ten years ago that I would never put my heart in danger of getting broken again. Moving in with you could make things more real, more permanent. When you asked me to move in with you, I realized then that, even after all these years, I’m still not ready for it.”
I wipe away the fresh tears that are on my cheek and look at Samuel. His blue eyes bounce across my face, searching for answers I’m not sure that I have to give, before he exhales and cups my face into his hands. “But what if you could be in three more years? You can’t predict the future. Unless this is all because you’re not in love with me.”
If I tell him the truth now, I will be admitting defeat. Admitting that this life I’ve built for myself in Rockdale has all been for nothing. That even after moving away from home to try to find myself, I have somehow still ended up lost.
I want sobadly to be found.
I exhale and do my best to gather my emotions. I remove myself from his touch, and instead, I lean over and place my hands together. I silently pray for guidance, that God will put the words into my mouth that I need to say, that whatever is in His will be done. I pray for peace, but it never comes. My nerves only grow more as silence passes between us.
I open my eyes and look back at Samuel, his dark brows pulling together in concern, and I choose not to run anymore. I choose to speak the truth to him. He deserves to know.
“I gave my heart to someone a long time ago and I never got it back. I never could fully give myself to you, Sam…not all of me. Just the parts I was willing to share. I care so much for you, but I never allowed myself to fall in love with you.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but the sound of my phone ringing on the coffee table interrupts me. I look over and see the namePapawon the screen. I could call him back once Samuel leaves, but something deep within my gut tells me to answer now. I hold up a finger to Samuel, signaling that I need to take this call. He frowns, not happy with me for answering.
“Hey, Papaw,” I say softly and stand up. I walk into the kitchen and put my back against the counter.
“Raine.” I could never forget my mother’s voice. Even if I last heard it ten years ago when she told me to leave. Why is my mother calling me from my Papaw’s phone?
I clear my throat but am unable to say anything. I’ve suppressed everything for so long. I don’t know how to act around her anymore.
“Raine, it’s your mother,” she states, like I don’t recognize her. “I’m sorry to call you like this, but your grandmother?—”
Her breath catches, and I can hear her silent sniffles echo through the speaker and into my heart.What about my Mamaw?I want to ask, but my words are trapped inside my throat.
“She, uh… She had a heart attack and…” Another excruciating pause is between us. “And she is in the hospital right now hooked up to some machines. I knew I should be the one to tell you… You probably should think about coming?—”
I can’t seem to hear anymore. There is a piercing sound vibrating inside my ears and my mother’s words are the only thing bouncing inside of my thoughts. “She had a heart attack.” She has to be lying. My Mamaw is okay.She has to be okay.
God, you told me she was going to be okay.
“Raine?” a voice speaks behind me, pushing through the ringing in my ears. “Is everything okay?”
Samuel.It's Samuel speaking. He's still here in my tiny apartment that is twelve hours away from my Mamaw. I blink and feel fresh tears spill from my eyes. I reach up to wipe them away, noticing the phone is no longer in my hand but is sitting on the floor by my feet. I look down and hear a faint, “Raine?” coming from the speaker.
I reach down to pick it up and say, “I’ll be there,” before hitting the red end button.
After ten years of living without her as a part of my life, ten years of her never trying to reach out to me, to apologize for what she did, ten years of working hard on repairing my heart from the damage she caused…ten years…and she’s asking me to come home.
It hits me in that moment— something bad must have happened, maybe this is more than just a heart attack. What was it she said? Something about machines?What kind of machines?
“Machines?” Samuel whispers, his voice laced in confusion. I must have been talking out loud. He is close to me now as I spin around and face him. The uncertainty on his face melts away as he rushes to me and wraps his arms around me.
Samuel takes his large hands and wipes away my tears with his thumbs. His eyes search for answers in mine but I don’t want to say it out loud. It will make everything feel real, and I want nothing more than to escape this reality that I seem to have slipped into.
Samuel shakes me lightly and I snap out of the trance my mother’s voice put me in. “Babe, what happened? Please tell me what’s wrong. You're so pale.”
Babe. That one word stabs my heart and unlocks the emotions I’m trying hard to keep trapped inside. Samuel wraps me into his arms and allows me to weep into his chest. I’ve tried my best to not show my emotions, especially tears, in front of anyone, but most of allhim. Our conversation from before feels like it happened a long time ago. It’s as if days have passed when it's only been a few minutes.
