And oh, do I want to feel the softness of his lips on mine and feel the warmth of his skin against my own. Our souls seem to create a force of gravity when they’re close, clinging to one another without any effort. How has it always felt like this?
How did Ryland let this go? And more importantly, how didIrun and leave this behind?
I can feel the broken pieces of us laying on the ground, shatters of what we used to have together. I can’t force myself to forget what it feels like when sweet, tender love turns rancid. However, I know in order to put the pieces back together, I have to face my demons. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on without confronting Ryland.
My hands trail up Ryland’s spine, a strong column bound with lean muscle. His body is conditioned by work, hardened and cut by days spent under the sun and lifting heavy equipment. I pull him closer, not caring that I might stink and am covered in filth.
There is something about being held by the right person that is enough to cure anything. However, before I can give in to my temptations, there is something that Ryland and I need to discuss. His expression softens, as if he can read my thoughts, and he steps back, giving us both some space.
“I, uh…should get to that shower,” I say, an uneasy feeling splashing around inside my stomach.
“Alright,” he replies, taking another step back and slipping his hands into the front of his jeans. “I’ll get to work on the fence before starting on the bedroom.”
I give him a small smile before making my way inside and taking a long shower.
The sun is starting to set later in the day as we reach mid-spring and I’m grateful for it. Ryland, however, takes it as an opportunity toworklonger hours. The fence is fixed, trapping an angry goat behind it who has been looking at me like he’s plotting his revenge. Ryland also knocked out the wall to a small utility closet in the hallway in order to expand the master bedroom closet, making it into a walk-in—something myMamaw requested that is now another reminder that she isn’t here to enjoy the improvements on the old home.
Today, he has the closet formed with new drywall. I enter the room with a fresh glass of fruit-infused water and I stop in my tracks as I peek around the corner and witness Ryland’s bare back. He still has his hat on backward, and I selfishly enjoy the view.
Sensing me, he turns around, and his lips tip up in a smirk that saysI caught you gawking. And then he does something that practically makes my knees weaken…he winks.
Ryland steps over his tools and makes his way to me. He slides his hand over the glass that I’m holding, his fingers lingering for a moment, before he pulls the glass to his lips. I stare at his throat, watching his Adam's apple bob as he swallows, and then he grimaces.
“What’s this?”
“Strawberry-and-lemon-infused water.” I shrug, looking anywherebutat his shirtless torso.
“Fruit doesn’t belong in water,” he says and pulls the glass back to his mouth and guzzles the rest. He wipes his lips, my eyes following the movement, before he adds, “But thanks.”
It just became ten degrees hotter in this room. What’s the matter with me? Olivia must be rubbing off on me because the song “Hot in Herre” by Nelly pops into my mind, which only intensifies this moment.
“You got a lot done today,” I say, making sure I keep my eyes on the space and not on Ryland.
“Yeah, it wasn’t hard to do. I need you to pick out some shades of paint for the bedroom, the master bathroom, and also the living room and kitchen. Maybe Thursday morning, we can go to Lowes and get them together?”
“Yeah, okay,” I say and toss a thumb over my shoulder. “I’m going back to work on the porch. I’ll let you finish up here.”
Before he can reply, I’m out the door and practically taking two stairs at a time to put some space between us. My hormoneshave taken on a mind of their own, and being around Ryland shirtless is not helping.He’s not mine to ogle, I have to remind myself.
But he could be, my subconscious tosses back at me.
It's as if my heart and brain are at war with one another. One wants me to admit that I still have feelings for Ryland and that we could have it all, while the other keeps me aware that we have issues to discuss and the fact that I have a whole other life we haven’t mentioned in weeks.
I reach the porch, drinking a sip of my water to help cool me off, and almost spit it out as I see my mother making her way up the stairs to the porch. She clutches the railing and sucks in a sharp breath of air, as if I caught her off guard. She sure did me.
“Mom,” I state, the name feeling stale in my mouth.
I’ve done a great job at avoiding her for the last few weeks, not to mention the years I’ve lived in Rockdale. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that my time to confront her was coming. Even so, I don’t feel ready to face her. I may never be. Because no matter how much time has passed, the pain still throbs inside my chest as a constant reminder of her neglect.
Whoever first said that time heals all wounds was full of crap. My wounds are still very much a part of me. I’ve come to realize that all I did was cover the trauma with scar tissue to help lessen the pain, but it was never gone.
Knowing that Ryland is upstairs brings me a little sense of comfort.
“I’m sorry to just show up here without an invite. I, uh… I don’t have your number to call, and I—'' She takes a shaky breath, and as much as I don't want to do this, my heart is overwhelmed with compassion.
She studies me before she continues. Her once dark and lifeless eyes now appear lighter and vivacious. They take me in from my head to my toes, and the expression softens on her face. She takes the last few steps until she’s facing me. I noticeher hand twitching, as if wanting to reach out to me, but I flinch involuntarily, and her smile falters a bit.
“I know I’m probably the last person you want to see,” she admits, looking down at her feet, and I want to tell her that she’s wrong. She’s second to last. Davis is the last person I would want to see, but thankfully he’s not an issue since he no longer lives in Covewood or is welcomed here.
