“I better get cleaned up,” I say and limp my way over to the barn and open the door for the sheep to come out and graze the field for their breakfast. Daisy takes off, switching from pup to working dog in an instant. I should have done that first this morning so Daisy would have been out of my way. “Buck escaped the fence again.”
“That goat lives to torment,” Ryland says from behind me.
“Nokidding,” I say and peek over my shoulder to see if he got my cringy goat pun.
“Zane has rubbed off on you.” He chuckles.
I make my way back to the coop and return all the baskets to their normal spots before I head back to the farmhouse with Ryland by my side. “I desperately need a shower,” I say, more to myself.
Ryland’s nose scrunches as he nods in agreement. I swat at him playfully, and he makes sure to bump his shoulder into mine. I’ve missed this. Our playful banter while working on the farm together. Being back here with him, it feels almost like I left all the best parts of myself with Ryland. I didn’t realize how much of myself I left behind when I moved away. Or how much would be left with him.
He didn’t give you much of a choice back then, my subconscious reminds me.
Since being back in Covewood, I’ve realized I would have been better off moving forward with my life. Rather than staring at my old wounds, doing nothing to help them heal. However, it was easier to ignore the wounds and keep my distance.
Mamaw is probably in heaven right now, watching everything unfold, standing next to Ryland’s grandparents, everyone rubbing their hands together with glee. The image makes me smile.
We make our way up the porch steps, and I stop dead in my tracks as I notice a blue hummingbird feeder hanging from the porch post closest to the table. My mouth drops slightly, and I walk toward it just as a hummingbird lands for a drink. I watch the small, majestic bird fly toward us and swarm around our heads for a second before it’s gone again.
“You put this here?” I ask, pointing to the feeder and looking at Ryland.
He smiles shyly. “I remembered hummingbirds were Johanna’s favorite, and I thought you might like to see them while you’re out here working.”
It’s the little things that tug my heartstrings. Gestures or words that are so simple. A hug right when you need it, picking a bouquet of wildflowers, hanging a hummingbird feeder.
Witnessing the man that Ryland has become these past few weeks…the way he cares for the people around him, the father he has grown into, the fact that even though we broke each other's hearts he’s still here for me…it has reawakened my heart for him.
I’ve been trying to ignore it ever since I ran into him at the hospital, but as each day goes by, I’m falling back into my old feelings for him. Maybe they never left to begin with.
“Ry, thank you,” I whisper, unsure of where to begin with how much his gesture means to me. My eyes travel back to thefeeder and then to the vase of freshly picked wildflowers that’s sitting on the table next to my laptop, until they find their way back to Ryland’s golden irises.
“I don’t think I told you this, but when I was eleven, Mamaw was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember her sitting out here on the swing and watching the hummingbirds that would come visit her feeders. I asked her that day if she was scared, and she had this radiant smile on her face. She told me that she was at first, but then God sent her a sign of peace, and she knew He was going to take care of her.”
“What was the sign of peace?” he asked.
“A hummingbird had flown and stopped right in front of her face, and it looked into her eyes for a few seconds before flying off. She said, at that moment, she just knew she was going to be okay and that she would be healed. And a few days later, she found out that she was cancer free. The doctors were amazed and had no explanation for how it could have just vanished. She had no doubt that Jesus touched her and took away the cancer.”
I exhale as a flood of emotions washes over me all at once. In typical Ryland fashion, he senses my heartache and takes a step toward me and laces his callused fingers with my own.
“I felt that peace too,” I add, the slightest quiver moving my lips. “The day before she had the heart attack, I was sitting at the beach, and I prayed over her. Right when I was done praying, I saw a dolphin in the ocean. In that moment, I just knew she was going to be okay.”
Ryland wipes away a tear with the pad of his thumb.
“I felt peace again when you prayed in the hospital chapel. But—” My words lodge in my throat. Ryland’s hand trails down my neck, squeezes against my shoulder, and pulls me in for a hug.
“I don’t understand. Why would God give me peace only to take her away?” I cry, releasing the words I’ve been hanging on to for weeks, and bury my face into his chest.
He runs his fingers through my hair, and they get tangled in the mess. I remember how disgusting I am and push myself away softly and wipe away the wetness on my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m a mess all the way around today.”
“Your messes never bother me, Rainbow,” He says, the nickname squeezing against my heart in the same way his fingers squeeze against my own. “Maybe God gave you peace because she was okay. That she was already with him and she was safe, no longer in any pain. She returned home but not in the way we were asking for.”
I nod in reply. If I try to speak, I’m scared my words will tumble out and not make any sense. Words that have been locked behind a cracking dam for too long.
He continues, “A wise teenager once told me”—he smirks, lifting the heaviness just a little bit—“that our time on Earth is limited. Your Mamaw won the lottery, and we should celebrate, not be sad. That same lottery is promised to us, and because of that, we’ll see them again. Carry that truth with you, and I promise you, you’ll get through this.”
I tug him closer and wrap my arms around him. As I bury my face in his shoulder, all I can think about is how much I need him. I need his arms around me, need him to hold me and whisper that it’ll be okay.
I pull back to look up at his handsome face. I can feel the tension build between us. Our bodies are pressed together so that I can feel our heart beats pumping quickly, signaling a growing need for each other. Ryland’s eyes bounce between my own before they land on my mouth, and my mind begins to scream at me to lean toward him.
