“Hey, talk to me. Please,” he adds softly, daring a step closer to me.
I catch the scent of him. It’s familiar and yet unknown. Hints of pine and woodsmoke covered with cologne. It's another reminder that the past is mixing in with the present.
“I’m a mess, Ryland,” I admit softly, feeling my shoulders slump in defeat, and I lean against the door of my car for support. “It’s been a lot to take in.”
“I’m sure it has been. No one expects you to have it all together,” he says, lacing his fingers with mine, using the pad of his thumb to rub against the inside of my hand. It’s oddly comforting, and I’ll gladly welcome the touch to keep me grounded instead of spiraling like my mind seems to do these days.
I close my eyes and focus on inhaling three deep breaths. When I peek up through my lashes to look at him, I’m met with understanding instead of judgment. It’s refreshing to always be seen by him.
“I’ve been carrying around a heavy weight of guilt ever since losing Mamaw and being back here,” I add, releasing his hand to gesture toward the farmhouse. “Being aroundyou.”
Admitting this out loud opens the door for the old Raine to see everything I’ve allowed to slip away from my life. She’s shaking her head at me, disappointed in the choices I’ve made, especially with my biggest regret standing right in front of me.
“You’re not the only one carrying around guilt.” His eyes dance with my own, a pool of truth, as if he’s speaking from experience. “It's been living in my heart since the day I lost you. So, I get it, Raine. You’re not alone in this. Maybe you’re here not to bring up guilt from the past but because God knew you needed your family and friends to help you get through this difficult season.”
He reaches out, wrapping his big arms around me, and pulls me into a hug. “Pray about it. Ask God to work on changing your heart, and then give your burdens to Him. The rest will come together after that.”
“You make it sound so simple, but it’s not that easy,” Iproclaim and bury my face in his sturdy chest, welcoming the scent of him this time.
“I don’t think it’s supposed to be easy—not all the time, anyway. It’s the hard times that truly help to shape us. We all have to walk through seasons of pain in order to grow. You might not be able to see it right now, but there’s a rainbow waiting for you on the other side of this storm. And the best part is, you don’t have to endure it alone.”
As his words sink in, all the fight drains out of me. The flame of hope that was burning bright in my chest earlier flickers. Embers, really—cooling in the pile of ash that has taken up residence in the open space between my lungs. Every breath seems to burn.
If I can still breathe, I’m fine.
Being here in the embrace of Ryland’s arms, the timelines of us combining…it leaves me feeling confused. The feelings I had for Ryland in the past have chosen to linger whether I want to admit it or not. Somewhere deep inside my heart, I still crave him. I left so much of myself, who I truly was, with him. And being around him again is slowly bringing those pieces back together.
The real question is, have I completely stood in the way of what we once had since I chose to run away?
Ryland pats my back before removing himself from our embrace. He gives me a small smile, one that I wish I could reach out and grab and tuck into my pocket for later. I don’t really need to leave, so now what do I do? Putting some space between us sounds like the smart thing to do so I can breathe and think without his intoxicating presence hindering my thoughts. Another part of me never wants to leave him.
“Thank you,” I say and tug the driver's side car door open, making the decision for myself.
“You’re welcome. Hey, uh… We’re having a cookout on Saturday out at the cabin. Around noonish. You’re welcome to come…if you’d like.”
Silence hangs in the air as I ponder his invitation. It would be nice to be by the lake and to see the cabins again. “I’ll think about it,” I say.
“Please do, because I’d like you to be there. Well, not just me, everyone will enjoy having you there too.” Now it’s his turn to ramble, and I have to bite my bottom lip to keep from smiling.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you there,” I promise.
Chapter Nineteen
Twelve Years Before
Ryland
It’s Saturday, and Raine is hanging out with me in Pops and Nan’s living room. Pops and Earl left early this morning to go hunting. Why they chose to go hunt in the freezing cold is beyond me. They invited me to tag along, but I gladly turned them down, especially knowing that I would get to spend time with Raine.
However, I wasn’t anticipating Nan sitting between us for most of the visit. But she hasn’t been feeling her best, and I’m not about to leave her alone. Plus Raine is happy to share her snacks and watchThe Golden Girlswith us.
I peek over at her as she laughs at something Sophia says.
“You grow old, you sag, and you get over it. I’ve never heard a wiser statement.”
“Ain’t that the truth. Sophia is my favorite,” Nan admits, grabbing a handful of popcorn and shoving it into her mouth. Earlier, I couldn’t get her to eat anything, but once Raine sat down next to her, she started sneaking some of Raine’s snacks. “I think Sophia would approve of your new hairstyle.”
Raine’s smile brightens as she reaches up to runher fingers through the short strands. She recently cut her hair into a short bob style, and it’s taken everything in me not to run my fingers through it.
