“I mean, your life would definitely be boring and less colorful.” She chuckles with a flip of her bright-red hair. I laugh as flour flies into the air and sticks to her freckled cheeks.
“I love you,” I say softly and blow a kiss to the screen.
“I love you too. I better get ready for my date. I’ll let you know when I’m headed home after so we can watchBridesmaids!” she adds, and I’m already looking forward to it.
“Okay. Have a good time,” I assure her before we end our conversation.
Once her face is off the screen, I can feel the trembling in my hands return and the sting of tears in my eyes. I lock my phoneand see my reflection within the glass. I do look like crap. My hair is a mess from the breeze. I grab the clip I slipped into my pocket and pull my hair back and put it back into place. I wipe away the few tears that slip down my cheeks and inhale a deep breath of the salty air.
When I ran away from home, I had no guilt about my choice. I truly believed that leaving was for the best for everyone, including my grandparents. But today, I’m not so sure. If I was there with them, I would be able to help take care of them.
A few times a year, I travel to Covewood to visit them. I make sure to avoid going into town, thankful that my grandparents’ farmhouse sits on the very edge of town and close to the interstate exit. It’s easy to slip in and slip out without certain people knowing I’m there. I still haven’t seen Olivia’s home in person or stopped downtown to visit my other childhood best friend, Luke, while he’s working. I most definitely stay away from the familiar cabins on the lake and the old house I used to live in, where my mother still resides.
I ask my two best friends to visit me at the farm when I’m there, making them promise not to tell anyone when I visit. Sometimes, my grandparents, Olivia, and Luke will travel to Rockdale to spend time with me here. However, my grandparents' visits have grown less frequent as the years gone by. And because of this, my guilt has grown, even more as I notice my grandparents’ aging increasing with each visit.
I’m missing out on so much with them, and I know they won’t be with me forever. I will be devastated if something happens to either of them. And if something does, I will be miles away. I didn’t think about this when I ran.
I’m left feeling more unnerved than I was hours before. The roar of the ocean does nothing to comfort me. Something feels off, the tightening deep in my core agreeing with my thoughts.
I look around and see an older couple walking along the shoreline, a young child tossing sand into the air as his mother lies on a beach towel, and a man reading a book several feetfrom me. I take a deep breath, bring my hands together, bow my head, and close my eyes.
God, I know it’s been a while since I last prayed to you, and I’m sorry for that. I promise to make a better habit of it. I’m begging you to please watch over my grandparents, especially my Mamaw, who isn’t feeling well. I want to ask you to please heal her. And please let them forgive me for not being there. Amen.
I sit in the sand for a few moments, trying my best to envision my Mamaw healthy and vibrant. Once I open my eyes, I stare toward the ocean for a long moment, lost in thought. I sense movement and blink to clear my vision. Time passes, and the movement reappears. I watch as a dolphin bops up for a breath, a puff of water and air shoots into the sky, and then it sinks back into the curtain of water. I watch as the dolphin does this several times, and a wave of peace washes over me. A peace that I know only God can bring to my heart.
The trembling in my hands stops. The guilt within my heart evaporates. And a calm takes over my body like a warm hug.
Mamaw is going to be okay.
Chapter Two
Fourteen Years Before
Ryland
I’ve spent a total of sixteen hours in this tiny car. Outside of the car window, I’ve watched as the land has changed multiple times from tall buildings, dusty flatlands, rolling mountains, bright-green farmlands, to endless rows of trees passing by. I would have enjoyed the change of scenery if I didn’t have to also endure Mom’s horrible taste in music or my little brother's constant fidgeting and humming. I’m about to lose my mind.
“Zane!” I mutter under my breath, making sure to scold him quietly without Mom hearing. “Stop.”
He sticks his tongue out at me like a toddler instead of the eleven-year-old that he is. He stops humming, and for a blissful five seconds, I enjoy the calm.Tap, tap, tap. Zane is now drumming on the book that’s sitting in his lap, and I bite the inside of my lip to keep from yelling at him again. Instead, I shove his shoulder and give him a look that says,I will break your fingers if you do not stop.
He seems to take the hint and turns his face toward the window. I let out an exhale and peek toward the rearviewmirror. I was about to ask Mom if we are there yet, but I shut my mouth the moment I notice silent tears streaming down her face.
It’s not just Zane and me leaving behind the only home we’ve ever known, our friends, and our father. She is leaving things behind as well. I often forget that she is hurting too, but even so, I’m still annoyed with her decision.
She wipes away the tears before letting out a loud exhale and looks at me through the rearview mirror. I quickly dodge her sight because I’m upset with her for making us move multiple states away. However, there’s also a part of me that understands why she chose this for us. I’m just too stubborn to admit that she issomewhatright.
She announces, “We’re almost there, boys.”
Thank you, Jesus!
I keep my eyes on the trees passing by. We turn onto a dirt road that cuts through the dense forest. Beams of light peek through the leaves and dance against the ground as we move by. I watch as squirrels chase one another up trees, as birds swoop from branch to branch, and I spot a deer jumping over a log. I’d find it beautiful if I wasn’t so torn up about being here.
“Listen, I want you both to be on your best behavior. Promise me that you will be?” Mom asks after she turns the radio down.
“I promise,” Zane says in a small voice, and I manage ahumphin reply.
“I know this is a lot to take in, but I promise this is going to be such a wonderful fresh start. You’ll get to spend your summers swimming in the lake and winters in a cozy cabin. Your Nan can bake like no other, and your Pops can teach you so much, like fishing, hunting, even building something on your own. He will be good for you boys. You both need a positive male influence in your life.” It sounds like she is trying to convince herself of these things, which only deepens my anger.
