The silence stretched on, and this time I let it. As I made myself some breakfast and drank my coffee, Lee cleaned up the beach house. I watched him move around, but it was like someone had put a pane of frosted glass between us. Like I was watching him on a screen that hadn’t finished buffering properly.
I could practically see the void that yawned between us.
But if I closed this one, I’d just open a new one between me and Noah.
I hated feeling like I had to choose.
It was a draining, horrible few minutes while Lee put in a load of laundry. He came back into the kitchen, and I said quietly, “I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was trying to rescue our friendship, or make this whole bucket-list thing feel forced. I just wanted to do something to make you happy. Make some awesome memories, and help say goodbye, I guess. To the beach house. To being kids. But not to each other, Lee.”
He sighed, giving me a half-hearted smile. “It’s okay. I know you’ve got a lot going on. And I wasn’t mad about the mini golf. It was a genuine mistake, it’s all good. And I’m not mad about Harvard. It’s…it’s fuckingHarvard.Of course you’re gonna go. That was about more than Noah. I really am proud of you. But, you know, I really thought that this…I thought you’d come through for me on this one.”
He broke my heart.
He really, really did.
“I don’t like fighting with you, Shelly, and I’m not gonna. I love you. Always will. You do what you’ve gotta do. But I’m going to Berkeley tomorrow, with or without you.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t have anythingtosay to make this better. Not when we both knew I’d already made my decision.
• • •
Later that night, when I was tossing and turning and unable to sleep, Noah wrapped his arm around me, tugging me into his body and spooning me.
“What’s up with you tonight?” he murmured, tucking his head over my shoulder.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“Are— Elle, are you crying?”
“No.” I sniffled, turning my face into the pillow, using it to mop up a stray tear.
“You’re a real bad liar, Elle. Talk to me. What’s up?”
“It’s…Lee’s going to Berkeley tomorrow. Like we talked about.”
“Number twenty-two,” Noah said. “I remember. You guys were gonna go up for the”—his body went rigid as he realized—“weekend. Shit.Shit,Elle, why didn’t you say something yesterday?”
“I forgot. Till this morning.”
“I’ll cancel our reservations,” he said. “It’s fine.”
I knew it was. I knew he wouldn’t be mad, not over this one and not after we’d talked things over yesterday.
But I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter now. I already let him down just forgetting about it. It won’t be the same. He’ll think I’m only going so he’ll stop being mad at me.”
“Elle.” Noah sighed. “Not everything has to be perfect. We can rearrange. You should go to Berkeley.”
Not everything has to be perfect.
“But this does have to be perfect, Noah.” I sniffled again, frustrated with myself for crying, and wriggled around so I was facing him. “That was the whole point of this summer and the bucket list. It’s like…it’s like with the road trip Lee and I took over spring break. Sure, we didn’thaveto stop off in New York on our way to Boston, but it would’ve ruined the whole plan and the trip. This is just like that. We were meant to do it all just the way we planned. If I go now—”
“If you go,” Noah reasoned, nuzzling his nose against mine, “you’ll get to tick off bucket-list item number twenty-two. You’ll get your trip to Berkeley with Lee like you guys planned, and you’ll have a great time. Isn’t that the most important thing? If you’re not going because of me, don’t even worry about that, okay? I know this is a huge deal for you two. We can hang out some other time. Hey, we’ve got all next year, like you said, haven’t we?”
I groaned, burrowing into the space between his face and the pillows. “Stop being right. You’d better not have that smug look on your face.”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about, Shelly.”
“Yousoundsmug.”
