Why did this feel so awful? I’dmademy decision.
“Since when were you interested in going to Harvard?” Lee asked, and then he sighed again and took half a step back, running a hand over his face and then up through his hair. “Nope, don’t answer that. Obviously since Noah went there.”
“You were applying to Brown,” I said meekly. “And—”
“Yeah, but my dad went to Brown. It wasn’t just about Rachel.”
No, but it was maybe 90percent about Rachel.
“I got wait-listed,” I told him, backtracking. “I didn’t expect to get in. I never expected to even get wait-listed! I think I applied because I knew it’d never happen, but…now it has, and…and I had to make a choice.”
“And you chose him,” Lee mumbled. “Again.”
I was still holding one of his hands, and I gripped it tighter, desperation seeping into my voice. I leaned into him. “It wasn’t about that, Lee.”
Except it was.
It was maybe 50percent about that.
But how could I explain that while I’d actually looked into classes at Harvard, the campus, everything, I’d never really done that with Berkeley? Sure, I’d mostly done that because Noah was there, but…Well, I’d liked what I’d seen enough to want to apply, hadn’t I? I’d only picked Berkeley because Lee and I had picked ittogether.And how could I tell him that if I chose to go there, it would’ve felt like I was choosing itonlybecause of Lee? I just knew he’d feel even more hurt and rejected if I told him that.
To my utter shock, Lee squeezed my hand back and gave me another one of those small smiles that Ireallydid not deserve. “It’s okay. I get it. It’s Harvard. You have to go. Same way Noah did. You don’t turn something like that down, right?”
I wanted to cry and bury my face in Lee’s shoulder. I wanted to grab his face and scream at him in relief. I wanted to shove him back and tell him to stop being nice to me, stop being so sweet and understanding, because I’d hate me, too, if I were him.
All I could do, though, was sit there with my mouth clamped shut and stare down at our hands.
“And I bet your dad was crazy proud,” Lee said, a little too brightly. I glanced up to find his smile bordering on manic, his jaw clenched tight. “There you were, panicking about getting intoanycollege and spending all that time stressing over getting your application essay written, forcing me to get involved in school council and spend all those lunch breaks planning dances and charity events and…you did it! It all paid off! And now…now you…” He cleared his throat, shuffling in his seat. “And now you get to go to Harvard, Shelly.”
His use of my old childhood nickname, the one only Lee (and, more recently, Noah) was allowed to use, somehow made it infinitely worse.
Please stop being nice to me.
But wasn’t this what I’d wanted? Wasn’t this how I’d prayed he’d react?
“Yeah,” I managed to mumble, “Dad’s crazy proud. And it’s not like I won’t see you or anything. We’ll have weekends and holidays and spring break. Hey, we could even do another road trip! And we can video chat and…and nothing has to change, you know? We can hang out every holiday.”
Lee’s face twitched. Flatly, he told me, “I’ll be with Rachel over the holidays. I made us a schedule and everything.”
“Well…well, that’s okay, because Brown’s not that far from Boston.”
“So I get to go to the East Coast and see youandNoahandRachel. Great.”
Okay. This was what I’d been expecting.
Weirdly, it was almost a relief to see him losing his cool—even just a little. I hated the idea of Lee resenting me for this but nottellingme. The thought that he would, and would go talk to Rachel about it but not me, brought that queasy feeling right back again. I couldn’t have him start pushing me away already.
“Sure,” he went on, striding across the kitchen and grabbing a carton of juice out of the refrigerator. “Yeah, the four of us can spend every holiday or long weekend together, and I don’t get to spend quality time with youorRachel. Or Noah!”
He tore open a cupboard, snatched out a glass, hammered it down on the counter, and slammed the door shut again.
“You’ll get to spend quality time with us, Lee.”
“I saw what long-distance did to you and Noah. Before Thanksgiving it screwed everything up for you guys. Andyeah,I know, you worked it out, and you guys are good now, but I’m not gonna let that happen to me and Rachel.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Lee, I don’t mean to make you feel like you have to choose between me and Rachel. We’ll…we’ll figure it out, right? We always do. We can make a schedule for the time we’ll spend together, like you’ve got with Rachel.”
Lee gave me a long, stern look, but I could tell it wasn’t completely serious. I still found myself wishing he’d yell at me, that he’dreallyjustlose it,the way he did when he discovered I was dating Noah behind his back. I could see it, bubbling away under the surface.
