The minutes ticked by. Niall didn’t attempt to fill the silence, and Jax felt some of the anger leave his body. At least he had an answer now. It was messy, yes, but it was the truth.
And despite their fight, Jax knew his bond with Niall was real. Niall wasn’t lying about being faithful, at least with his body. Any sexual relationship he’d had with Ronan and Teal was in the past. Still, the fact that his boyfriend had kept this information from Jax—that he felt this way at all—burned.
Would having Niall quit make him feel better? Or would he feel like an asshole for forcing Niall to leave a job he loved? If he truly believed Niall wouldn’t betray him in the physical sense—and he did—did it matter if Niall still worked for the couple? Still harbored love for them in his big heart?
Jax thought of the interactions he’d had with Ronan and Teal.
The couple had always been cordial, asking about his work or making small talk. They’d never seemed particularly protectiveof Niall, as though they had a claim to him. Which brought another question to his mind.
“Nigh, you said you realized only recently that your relationship with them was more than casual?”
“Yes, I thought we were just having fun, because it was convenient and because they needed to have someone who would be discreet. In retrospect, I see it was more.”
“Do they feel the same way?”
Niall scrunched his brow. “I assume they figured it out afterward, like I did. Polyamory was part of their relationship from the beginning. They’d had other betas in their bed. But once we started up, they were never with anyone else.”
“And you?”
“Some other hookups in the beginning, but it was only them pretty quickly.”
Jax exhaled again. “How long?”
Niall didn’t blink. “From a few months after Zayne was born, until the day I met you.”
Jax did a quick calculation in his head. “Three years.” The sheets felt cool against his skin as he fell back onto the bed. “You shared their bed for over three years. I can’t believe you never told me.”
“I wanted to avoid this exact anxiety you’re feeling now.” Niall sat down tentatively next to where Jax lay. “It changes nothing. I still love you more than ever, and I won’t do anything to jeopardize our relationship.”
“But you won’t stop loving them.”
“Ican’tstop loving them. That has nothing to do with us.”
“I don’t know if I can accept that.”
Niall nodded and inched closer to Jax until their legs touched. “All I can give you is the truth. I’m sorry it took me this long to tell you, and I wish I could make it easier to bear. Whatever you decide, even if you can’t accept it and want to split up, youshould know it won’t change how I feel about you. I’ll love you until the day I die. Whether or not we’re together. Remember my big heart? You’re never leaving it.”
Jax took in that last statement stoically, rolling it around in his mind.
“Also,” Niall continued, “I meant what I said. I can give Ronan and Teal my notice if it’s something you need. If it would help you.”
“I don’t know. Honestly, what I need right now is time. I have to think about everything you’ve told me. Process it.”
Niall ran a finger down Jax’s tattooed arm, tracing the outline of a sunburst on his elbow. “Should I go back to my place?”
Jax pictured lying in his bed alone, dissecting each interaction he’d seen Niall have with Ronan and Teal, thinking about every word Niall had ever uttered about them.
Being apart didn’t feel right. They’d started their conversation with Jax worrying about the separation his new job would bring. But it wasn’t physical distance that could harm them. It was mental distance. Now that Niall had been honest with him, Jax realized they could survive any storm. As long as they talked to one another.
And Jax knew now that they could. If Niall could tell him this, he could tell him anything. That was how they’d navigate moving forward.
He just needed more time to think on it, to decide what he could live with, what it meant to have a poly boyfriend.
“I don’t need you to go to your place,” Jax said. “Stay with me tonight… Hold me. We can talk more in the morning.”
Niall practically tackled Jax as he laid them down and assumed the position of big spoon. He brushed Jax’s hair to the side and kissed behind his ear. “I love you.”
“I know.”
