A ripple of unease invaded Jax’s stomach. “If you’re trying not to upset me, you’re doing a terrible job, talking in riddles like this.”
“I’m sorry, babe. It just tripped me up that you’re mentioning this now, because it’s exactly what I wanted to talk to you about earlier.” Niall pulled his hand away and tucked his knees up under his chin, hugging them to his chest. “That feeling you’re describing… It’s not unwarranted.”
Jax tensed as the fissure of foreboding in his gut opened into a giant pit. “What are saying, Nigh?”
Niall adjusted his shoulders and dragged a hand through his hair, looking forward. “If it seems like there are momentswhen my mind goes somewhere else, that’s because…it does. Sometimes I think aboutsomeoneelse, and I feel like I need to throw up a wall. Because I don’t want any of it to touch you—”
“Someone else!? What?” Jax cried. He tried to jump from the bed, but Niall reached out a hand to stop him.
“Babe, let me get this out, okay?” Niall implored. “And then you can decide what should come next. I promise, I haven’t betrayed you.” Jax shook his head, tears threatening as Niall continued, “I haven’t betrayed you and I’ve been madly in love with you every minute since, like, five minutes after we met. But as much as I love you and as much as I’m all-in with our relationship, there are things in my past that are also a part of me…and sometimes old feelings surface without my permission and it’s hard to just…push them down.” Niall swallowed roughly.
“So…you’re what? Fantasizing about old dates? Hookups?” Jax scowled.
Niall gulped another breath. “Just one. My last…situation. If that’s even the right word. I wasn’t lying when I told you I’ve never had a boyfriend like you, but my last thing was…pretty regular. ‘Fantasizing’ is probably too strong of a word, but there are still some complicated feelings there. And as much as I wish I could, I can’t totally forget.”
Niall made a motion like he might reach for Jax, but then pulled back, seeing Jax’s glower.
“You’ve never said much about what you got up to before we met. You made it sound like none of it was important,” Jax said.
“I honestly didn’t know. I get that sounds dumb, but it’s the truth. Recently, I figured out that my last—I think at this point it would be fair to call it a relationship—left behind some unresolved emotions. I didn’t want to worry you, so I never brought it up. I hoped the memories would fade. But you know me too well.” He laid a careful hand on Jax’s thigh. “I was an idiot to keep anything from you.”
Jax leaned against the headboard, reeling. “You’re telling me you have leftover feelings for someone else and you don’t think that counts as a betrayal?”
“Those feelings are part of my past. I’d never act on them. We all have a past, right?”
“True. But my past isn’t in this bed with us right now.” Jax removed Niall’s hand from his leg. Niall flinched, but didn’t try to touch him again.
“I wish I could bury the feelings completely,” Niall said quietly. “It would make things easier for a lot of reasons. I’m sorry this is hurting you. But this has never diminished my love for you. Ever.”
Jax felt unmoored. It was a fair point that you couldn’t force memories from your brain. Lots of people had residuals from past relationships. He also believed Niall when he said he'd been trying to protect Jax's feelings. But knowing those things logically didn’t lessen his sense of being played for a fool. Or like he wasn’t enough for Niall.
Eventually, Jax steeled himself to ask, “Who was he?”
“Are you sure you want to know?”
“Tell me.”
“Alright.” Niall nodded. “But let me explain something first.” He rubbed his hands along his thighs. “You remember I told you all my previousrelationships”—He used air quotes—“have been casual? That in the past, I’ve been open to having multiple partners?”
A lump threatened in Jax’s throat. “You want to see other people?”
“What?! No. I already told you I’m fine being exclusive. I meant it.” Niall looked so taken aback, some of Jax’s fear eased.
“Okay.” Jax pursed his lips. “Then what are you saying?”
Niall crooked an arm behind his neck. “In the past, I’ve shied away from the label ‘poly.’ I always thought I sometimes enjoyedsex with more than one man at a time because I’ve never been truly invested in anyone—like, why make commitments when fucking around is so fun?” Niall smiled but Jax couldn’t bring himself to return it. “Anyway, the relationship I’m referring to wasn’t with one man. It was with a couple, and I’ve realized that it was more than just fucking around. I see now that Iwasexclusive and serious, except with two people instead of one. I never understood that until you and I got together, and I had a point of comparison to know what a genuine, caring relationship looked like. So, yeah, I think I’m poly. That’s how my system operates. I can love more than one person at once.”
“So I’m not enough for you?” Jax scooted away on the bed.
“Babe, you’re more than enough. You’re so enough that you’re the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the first person I want to talk to when I have a great day. Or a bad one. I miss you five minutes after you leave in the mornings and I can’t wait to get home to you every night. You’re enough… Please understand. Just because Icanlove more than one person at once doesn’t mean Ineedto.”
Jax shook his head. “I’m so confused.”
Niall stretched out his arms, eyes pleading. Seeing the vulnerability in Niall’s expression, Jax thought about how solid they’d been for the past eight months. After resisting briefly, he allowed Niall to draw him into a hug, face to chest.
“If it helps, I’m confused too,” Niall half-joked. “But the bottom line is there’s more residual stuff left over from my last relationship than I thought. I think that’s the weird vibe you’re getting. I figured as our love grew, those feelings would fade. But that’s not what’s happened. My heart just got bigger.”
Jax sensed the sincerity Niall’s conflict. But he didn’t know what to do with it.
