“Now,I feel like … like less of a mom. Or like I was cheated out of an experience Iwas supposed to have, and it’s just not fair.” Then, looking back to me again,she said, “And if that’s how I feel, when I’m only here for a few days, Icannot even begin to imagine how you must feel.”
Ismiled again, a little more sorrowfully this time, and said, “I feel about thesame as you.”
Themom shook her head adamantly. “No way, absolutely not. You, you’re so strongfor doing this for so long. You’ve come so far and you’re still going. That’sincredible. I don’t even know how you do it.”
“Ido it because I have to,” I replied honestly, shrugging a little.
“Yeah,but that still makes you strong.”
Iheld Alex’s hand just a little tighter, and replied, “So are you.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Icould hardly believe it when, six days later, Alex was given the okay to gohome.
Ithit me as though I hadn’t been expecting it, even though I knew it would becoming soon. I had just been to the hospital a couple of days before, learningthe ins and outs of his medications, and he had just passed his car seat test.But even knowing it was coming, my insides were still on fire, as Goose and Itook the cab ride to the hospital with the baby seat in tow. A psychoticmenagerie of emotionswerevery much taking hold whenthe driver pulled up to the front entrance and asked if we wanted him to wait.
“Yeah,man,” Goose said. “We’d really appreciate it.”
Iwas grateful he had come with me and that I wasn’t doing this part of thejourney alone, but when we entered the hospital, I asked if he would wait inthe lobby.
“Yousure?”
Inodded, keeping my eyes on the ground. “I need to do this,” I said, omitting thewordalone.
Heunderstood. Of course, he did, and he nodded and said, “Okay. I’ll be righthere if you need me.”
Thatstatement meant everything to me, as I carried the empty car seat to theelevator, knowing he was there and that I could count on him. Right now, Goosewas all I had. Sure, my parents were always willing and able, but they werenearly two hours away by car. I had no other friends here, nobody else to help,and yet, somehow, just having Goose felt more than enough.
Steppingoff ofthe elevator, I walked through the waiting roomand down the hallway to the NICU. It hit me like a punch to the gut, to realizethat this, God willing, would be the last time I would come through thesedoors. I was filled with so much hope mixed with sadness, as I washed my handsand headed straight toward his crib, where he waited with wide, brown eyes.
“Hey,baby boy,” I whispered, my voice full of emotion. “You ready to get out ofhere?”
Athroat cleared behind me, and when I turned my head, I saw Elle. My eyesinstantly clouded with tears as she rushed toward me with her arms spread wide.
“Whatdid I tell you?” she asked, hugging me tightly.
“Iknow,” I sniffled.
“Iwannahear you say it.”
Thetears slipped down my cheeks as I nodded and said, “You said he would go home.”
“That’sright, and here we are.”
Myarms couldn’t squeeze her any tighter. “We never could have done it withoutyou,” I said. “All of you, really.”
“Youdid a lot of it,” she said into my ear. “We only helped. Now, the rest of hishealing will be done at home, and that’s all you, Mama, and you got this.”
Ishook my head, holding onto her, too scared to let go. “I don’t know what I’mgoing to do without you. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I’m going tomiss you so much.”
“Iknow,” she said, her own voice wavering. “I know. But you know what? You havemy number, and you can call or text me whenever you want. You have a friend forlife now, and any time you need me, I’m here. But I’m telling you, you aregoing to be fine. Youbothare going to bejust fine.”
Itook a deep breath and silently told myself that if I didn’t let go now, Inever would. So, I unraveled my arms and stepped away as I nodded. Elle wassmiling, her eyes glistening with tears, as she held her hands to my shoulders.
“Iremember when I rushed this little guy down here the night he was born. He wasso tiny, but he was so strong, and I immediately knew he was going to be afighter. Now, look at him.”
AndI did. I turned my head to look at my little boy and the faint smile on hislips. I couldn’t help but smile back.
