Hespotted me, as I rolled over to lay on my back, and said, “Hey, I didn’t meanto wake you up.”
Ishook my head as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. “It’s okay. I should getgoing, anyway. Ihave tofeed Mrs. Potter, and …dammit, I have to pump, too. I haven’t pumped in,” I grabbed for my phone onthe bed and squinted at the time, “four hours? Shit … Ihavetogo. I have to go right—”
“Stay,”he commanded gently, sitting at the foot of thebedand holding his hand to my leg.
“Ireally can’t. Ihave topump. I’m not supposed to golonger than two—”
“Kenny.It’s okay. Just stay tonight.”
Thesadness, anger, and frustration from before all rushed back with a vilevengeance as I threw my phone to the mattress.
“It’snot okay!” I shouted, as my hands reached for my hair and pulled. “Nothing isfucking okay!”
“Iknow,” he replied quietly, beginning to stroke long lines from my knee to myankle.
“Youdon’t fucking know! You have no fucking idea! Nobody fucking knows what this islike for me! Not you, not my parents, not your goddamn friends or, or …whoever.Not a single oneof you knows what it’s liketo have to see your baby attached to all those fucking machines.Not a single oneof you knows what it’s like to ask someoneif it’s okay to hold your own baby. He’smine! I shouldn’t have tofucking ask but I do!Not a single oneof you knowswhat it’s like to walk away from him every single day, to go home to live yourlife like he doesn’t even exist! God,not a single oneof you fucking gets it and I am so tired. I’m so tired of it all. I just wantto sleep for a fucking week and not have to worry about this shit, but I can’t.Because Alex needs at least one parent who gives a fuck, and I’m all he fuckinghas.”
Bythe time I was finished with my emotional tirade, I was breathingheavilyand my face was covered in tears and snot. Goose satthere,watchingand listening, and staying as still asthe stone pillar that he was, with only the heartbreak in his eyes giving him away.His hand had stilled against my leg, and when he knew I was done, he squeezedmy calf firmly.
“CanI hug you now?” he asked.
Isniffled and nodded, then went to him to cower in his embrace. His arms wrappedaround me like a security blanket, and as he stroked my hair, he whispered,“You’re right. Nobody knows what it’s like to be you. Nobody can even begin topretend to understand. And I know it’s hard, I tell you all the time, butyou’re getting through it. You’re doing it. And one day, hopefully soon, thispart will all be a memory.”
Iknew he was right. I knew how quickly time was already passing. Hell, it hadalready been over two months since he had been born. His due date was rapidlyapproaching, and God willing, he would be coming home soon after. But the dayswere dragging by. I wasn’t getting any work done and I missed him so much. Imissed him and I hurt for him and I couldn’t stand how much I hated it all.
Isettled against Goose’s body, taking comfort in his strength, and began to calmmy breathing and tears. I listened to him talk gently to me, repeating thefamiliar reassurances that everything would be fine, and even though I stillwasn’t convinced of that, it was enough to hear him say it. It was enough toknow I could rely on him and know he was there. That was something I had beenmissing for a long time and never really knew how much I needed it.
“God,I love you so much,” I said, my voice muffled against his shoulder. “Do youeven know how much I love you?”
“Iknow. I love you, too,” he replied, before kissing the exposed skin of my neck.
Itbegan softly, just a peck, but the abrasive scratch of his beard against mythroat sent shivers down my throat and a groan from my lips. I hadn’t intendedon making a sound at all, but it happened, and he kissed me again in response.Longer, harder. So much more passionate than before. I soon found myself on myback, with his shirt thrown to the floor, and my thighs open to the width ofhis hips.
Then,as we made love, I felt my heart patching itself up, reinforcing its cracks andbruises with the foundation of his love for me. And even though I knew it wouldbreakover and over again, as this journey continuedforward, I also knew that it would always mend. Just so long as I had this manin my life, to help me put it back together.
Chapter Thirty-Five
I didstay at Goose’s apartment that night. I neglected my breast pump and fellasleep, after reminding myself that I alwayshad a tendencytoover-feed Mrs. Potter and that she’d be fine until the next morning.
WhenI woke up to the sun streaming through the window, Goose and I took a cab overto my place, where he fed the cat while I called the surgeon.
“Ms.Wright, how are you?”
Iunintentionally scoffed. “Oh, just wonderful,” I muttered sardonically, and thesurgeon let out a little sympathetic chuckle.
“Iknow. Nobody likes these conversations. I do assure you though, this is for thebest and it isa very simplesurgery.” Then, hechuckled again. “I suppose that doesn’t help much.”
Itried to unwind a little and forced a stiff laugh. “No, not really.”
“Well,the sooner we can get it done, the better. So, I was hoping to schedule it infor this Thursday.”
“That’sonly two days away,” I said, before worrying my bottom lip between my teeth.
“LikeI said, the sooner the better. You and the baby’s father are welcome to see himbefore surgery, and then, you can wait in the lobby for him to come out. Okay?”
Inodded, staring blanklyaheadand wishing I had moretime to process this ordeal before sending my son under the knife. “Okay.”
“Wonderful.I will see you Thursday. Have a wonderful day.”
