Timeas I knew it seemed to warp, shifting so that I was crawling at a snail’s pacewhile the rest of the world zipped by. I struggled to catch up to his abruptannouncement, not entirely sure of what he’d said.
“I’msorry,” I replied, giving my head a good shake. “Did you say you want tooperate?”
Hegave a firm nod. “Yes. The sooner, the better. The bigger he gets, the worsethe hernia will get. So, we need to do this as soon as possible. Okay?”
“Isit … is it serious?”
“Oh,no, no. It isvery commonand very minor.”
“Butit’s still surgery.”
“Yes,”he answered robotically. “Itissurgery. But I assure you, he will befine.”
“Butit’sstillsurgery,” I repeated. But his bedside manner wasn’t thegreatest, and he only nodded before telling me to call the surgeon in themorning to schedule. Then, he was gone. Leaving me to marinate in the suddennews and the shock it brought with it.
Ilooked down at my sweet baby and thought about the trials he had alreadyundergone in such a short period of time. After being born at twenty-sevenweeks’ gestation, being intubated for over a month, and being on arollercoaster ride with his progression, I wondered,hasn’t he been throughenough?And I felt immediately guilty for even thinking such a thing, whenI knew there were babies right there in the NICU who had it so much worse. Butthat knowledge didn’t take away from the fact that he was still just a baby—mybaby—and no baby, in my opinion, deserved to begin life like this.
Thetrain of my thoughts brought tears to my eyes and I imagined him, a small,three-pound infant, put under anesthesia and cut open. I imagined himrecovering. I imagined myself, helpless and waiting for the news to come,telling mewhether or notthe surgery was a success.
Itwas becoming toomuchand I needed air. I wassuffocating in the sadness for my baby and my self-pity and anger that this washappening to me. That any of it had happened at all. I kissed Alex’s head andlaid him gently into his bed, promising to come back when I had calmed down,and I left.
HappyMother’s Day to me.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Iarrived at Goose’s apartment unannounced. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that Ishould call or text first. I just got into a cab, gave the driver his address,and went. When I got there, I found the building’s door unlocked, as it washeld open by some guy taking out the trash, and I invited myself in.
Afterknocking on his apartment door, I waited, while hearing indiscernible voices onthe other side. I began to question whether this was a good idea, and if Ishould have given him a heads up before showing up out of the blue, but therewas no time to leave before the door was opened by Goose. Behind him was ablonde woman and a tall, tattooed man, and I was completely mortified to bestanding there in my dirty leggings and spit-up-stained sweatshirt.
“Hey!This is crazy. I was justgonnacall and tell you tocome over,” Goose said, reaching out to lay his hand on my shoulder and lead meinto the apartment. He gestured toward his guests and said, “This is my buddy,Vinnie, and his wife, Andy. They were in the city and thought they’d drop by.Guys, this is my girlfriend, Kenny. She—”
“Youlive in the apartment aboveFamigliaBella,” Vinniesaid, nodding slowly.
“Uh,yeah,” I answered hesitantly.
“Myfamily owns the restaurant,” he replied. “I’ve seen you around. Nice toofficially meet you finally.”
Icouldn’t take the time to think about what a small world we live in or what thechances were that I would randomly fall in love with the man who was friendswith the owner of the pizza place I lived above. All I could think about was mybaby and what he had to go through and how unbelievably unfair it all was.
“Yeah,”I replied, offering the kindest smile I could muster. “It’s nice to meet you,too.”
Goosesteered me around to look into his eyes and asked, “Is everything okay? Did yougo to the hospital?”
“Alexneeds surgery,” I told him without warning, trapping my bottom lip between myteeth to stop it from wriggling.
“What?”He sounded so instantly scared and alarmed, and I loved him for that. Forcaring and feeling so much compassion toward my little boy.
Inodded. “He has a hernia, and they need to operate on it as soon as possible.And I know it’s minor and I know it’s common, but oh God, I am so sick ofeverything. I am so tired of all this shit and I just want him to come home andbe okay.”
Bythe time I was finished, I was in tears and Goose had his arms around me. Hegave Vinnie and his wife a brief rundown of the situation, and they bothoffered their sympathies, but God, I wished they hadn’t. I wished they couldhave been the two people not to tell me they were sorry. To not treat mysituation and my son, like he was a sideshow when they heard how tiny he waswhen he was born.
Iexcused myself and went to Goose’s bedroom, with Tony on my heels. I closed thedoor behind me and took off my dirty clothes, before pulling one of Goose’st-shirts over my head, and climbing into his bed. Tony jumped up, laid downbeside me and nestled his back against my chest.
Andthen, I cried myself to sleep.
***
Thedoor creaked open, and I awoke not knowing what time or day it was. Tony hadmoved from the bed to the floor, and I watched through bleary eyes as Goosekicked off his heavy boots and pulled off his shirt.
