Asmile was slow to spread across my face, but before I knew it, there it was.“Why are you covering your eyes?” I asked.
Hesitantly,he lowered his hand and peered into the room. “I didn’t know if you were doingsomething you didn’t want me seeing.”
“Likewhat?” I giggled for the first time in days and it felt good.
Helaughed, walking into theroomand closing the doorbehind him. “I don’t know! When Hannah was a baby, Krystal always had her tits—boobshanging out, so …”
“Ithink that’s for breastfeeding moms,” I replied quietly, dropping my eyes tothe plain, boring blanket draped over my legs.
Goose’seyes widened, surprised and taken aback, before saying, “Right! Right. So, Iguess you’re not—” He cut himself off, shaking his head and squeezing his eyesshut. “Sorry. I’m sorry. That was fuckin’ stupid of me to say. I’m sorry.”
“It’sokay,” I replied, even though it wasn’t. He hadn’t meant anything by it, and itwasn’t as though I’d ever had dreams of breastfeeding my baby themomentthey entered the world. But the fact that I didn’thave a choice served as another dash of stinging salt in the gaping, bloodywound.
Goosecame to sit by the bed, and I was suddenly all too aware of how timidly he wasbehaving. He was nervous, maybe even scared, and his discomfort was only addingto my own. It wasn’t all that long ago that he had kissed me. Just weeks ago,he had confessed his feelings for me, and when they weren’t openlyreciprocated, we had made the silent but mutual agreement to cease contact. Butthen, at the drop of a hat, he had rushed to my aid and then stayed with me. Hehad saved our lives, and now, he was behaving like a stranger.
Ihated it.
Cometo think of it, there wasn’t much I didn’t hate right now.
Ihated this room. I hated this gown. I hated that I still couldn’t walk withoutwanting to fall over. I hated the constant interruption of hospital personnelevery time I tried to sleep. I hated that I couldn’t take my baby home. I hatedthat I couldn’t feed him, see his eyes, or even hold him. I hated that Icouldn’t take care of him.
Whatkind of mother can’t take care of her own baby?
AsGoose grabbed the hospital tray and opened the box of wings, tears filled myeyes. He turned to look at me, took in the sorrowful state of my face, andthen, reacted in horror as the flood drowned my features.
“Hey.”He pushed the tray away from the bed and sat beside me, taking my sodden facein his big, calloused hands. “Kenny, what’s wrong?”
“Y-you’rejoking, r-right?” I sobbed.
“Imean, I know things are hard, but I’m asking for specifics here, okay? Help meout.”
Ipulled away from his grasp and attempted to mop up my tears with the blanket.Goose stopped me and handed over a wad of napkins he’d brought. I thanked himand shook my head, as I said, “I just want to go home. I want to take my babyand go home.”
“Iknow,” he replied, stroking my dirty, knotted hair from my face. “I know youdo. But you can’t. One day, you will, but not now.”
Afresh batch of tears soaked my cheeks as I nodded and whispered, “I know. But Ihate this, Eric. I hate this so fucking much. And I hate that I can’t do afucking thing about it.”
Idon’t know why I used his real name. I don’t know why Eric had popped out of mymouth instead of the nickname I’d grown so accustomed to, and I don’t know whyit felt so right to say it. But it had, and something in that moment happenedto him, too, as his mouth shut and his throat bobbed, only slightly visiblebeneath his well-groomed beard.
Then,in a rush of determination and absolution, he took my hand and squeezed it inhis, as he said, “I joined the Army after my mom died on 9/11. I had my heartbroken and I was fuckin’ pissed off, so I wanted to do something about it. Iwanted to get my revenge. They shipped me over to Iraq, and I made somefriends,goodfriends. They were thekindaguys that I would’ve known for the rest of my life, we werethatclose.
“Anyway,we always had each other’s backs in combat, we were alwayslookin’out for each other. But this one day, we were out, just the group of us,patrolling this street. And this fuckin’ dog comes out of nowhere. It was hotas hell, I mean, it’s the desert, for fuck’s sake. So, I went to give this poormutt a drink of water from my canteen. But while I’m there, distracted by thisstupid fucking dog, my buddies go on,tellin’ me tocatch up when I’m done fuckin’ around. Then, not even fifty feet away, they getambushed by these fuckin’ guys. And it was bad. I mean, it was a fuckin’bloodbath. These pieces of shit had machetes, and they were justswingin’ at whatever they could get their hands on. And bythe time I got over there and pumped these motherfuckers full of bullets, itwas way too fuckin’ late.”
Theair in the room evaporated with every one of his words and by the time he hadfinished talking, I thought I would suffocate. Nausea swept over me as I satthere,stunnedand searching his eyes with mine. I hadnever noticed it before, all the pain he held inside, but I saw it now in thedepth and darkness surrounding that bright shade of blue. There was so muchtragedy in that darkness, it was amazing it hadn’t swallowed him whole.
“AfterI was sent home, I couldn’t live with the guilt of being alive. Like, I washere, living my life, when I also should’ve been slaughtered in that fuckin’street, too, if it hadn’t been for that goddamn dog. So, I drank. I mean, I hadalways liked booze and drinking, I was a big partier back then, but this wasn’tabout having a good time. It was … it was about numbing the pain and forgettingthe sounds and all that fuckin’ blood …”
Hepinched his eyes shut and shook his head, then said, “Anyway, in rehab, Ilearned to believe that everything happens for a reason, even the really badshit. I convinced myself that I had been spared to have my daughter, to be agood person, and to honor the brothers I lost. So, that’s exactly what I’vebeen doing all these years since then. And when I met you, I added you to thatlist of reasons to be alive. Because whether this is ever more than just …this, or not, I care about you, a lot. And when I thought I wasgonnalose you …” He sniffed and pinched the bridge of hisnose, before continuing, “I felt so fuckin’ helpless, and so fuckin’ scared,because for the first time, I couldn’t do a goddamn thing about it. There wasno war to fight, nobody to seek revenge from. And nothing hasevermademe want to drink more than that.”
Ihardened my glare and looked up at him. “You didn’t, did you?”
Heshook his head slowly. “Nah.I called up this buddy ofmine and talked to him instead. That’s the nice thing about making friends inrehab; they always have your back, when you need it most. But what I’m sayingis, I know this is hard and that it sucks. I know nothing is the way it shouldbe and that you would change everything if you could. But yougottabe strong and yougottafight,‘causethat little guy down there needs you.Andsodo I.”
***
Afterwe ate the wings he’d brought, I set my iPad up on the tray, and finally, wewatchedThe Crowtogether. During the rare moment of peace, I told Goosethat, if I were to ever get engaged, I’d want the ring that the main character,Eric, gives to his girlfriend, Shelly, and he scoffed.
“What?”I asked.
