Mylower back was screaming in agony and I struggled to find a comfortableposition. After stacking the pillows up high, I laid back to a reclined seatedposition, closed my eyes, and hoped I felt better in the morning.
Chapter Nineteen
Overthe next few days, I didn’t improve at all. If anything, I felt worse. Thecoughing fits were becoming longer and more frequent, and the swelling in mylegs was so severe, it hurt to walk. The excruciating pain in my back hadblossomed, to travel through to my hips and right up to my shoulders, and I wascertain I'd need a chiropractor soon.
Butnone of that concerned me as much as what I felt in my belly.
WhenBrendan came by on Monday, he asked how his little guy was doing, and I toldhim, “Okay, I guess. I thinkall ofthis coughing israttling him up, though. He hasn't been moving around as much as he was.”
Hejust smiled and laid a hand over my growing stomach. “He's just growing. Hedoesn't have as much room to move around.”
“Idon't know,” I answered skeptically, diverting my eyes to the bags of food he'dbrought. “What if something is—” I coughed into my elbow, as my eyeswateredand my chest burned. “What if, what if something isw-wrong?”
“God,Kendo, you really need to knock that off,” he chuckled lightheartedly. “And Itold you earlier, nothing is wrong with the baby. Everything is fine, so stopworrying. Now, let's eat before I have to get back to work.”
Theurge to break up with him then was strong, at the sound of his dismissive toneand the nonchalant way he brushed off my concerns. But I was exhausted, tootired to fight, and I made the decision to end things as soon as I shook thelingering effects of this horrible cold.
Then,Monday faded into Tuesday, and the hours dragged by until it was finallyWednesday. The day of my scheduled appointment with the OB/GYN. I opened myeyes to a cloudy day and instantly felt as though I hadn't slept for ten hoursthe night before.
“God,I don't feel good,” I croaked, through my constricted chest. Mrs. Potter lookedat me with concern and I stroked her cheek, offering a reassuring smile. “It'sokay, sweet girl. I'm going to the doctor today. Everything'sgonnabe fine.”
Itried to believe it, too, even as the whispers of my intuition told mesomething wasn't right. I crawled out of bed, made a cup of tea, and picked ata slice of toast, before mustering the strength to get ready for a shower. Butjust that little bit of effort left me exhausted and weary, and Iretreated backto bed, with tears stinging my eyes and nose.
“Thisisn't good,” I complained, curling my arms around my stomach. “God, why can't Ishake thisfreakin' cold?”
Iscrolled through my social media accounts for a few minutes, trying to regainthe strength I needed to finally shower, when my lungs suddenly constrictedwith an angry violence and the battering cough wracked through my entire body.I sputtered, cupping a hand over my mouth, as the tears flowed freely from mypinched eyes and into my pillow.
“O-Oh,my … God,” I managed to utter, as the episode finally subsided, and I wasallowed a few seconds to focus on catching my breath.
Iimagined it was like having an elephant sitting on my chest, as I coached mylungs to inhale and exhale. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to move, and all Icould do was lay a hand over my belly and say, “God, baby, this is killing me.”
Whatmade me say those exact words, I couldn't be sure. It was just a feeling I had,to say those words out loud instead of keeping them locked away in my head.Now, with them out in the open, they felt closer to the truth than a simpleworry. When I finally opened my eyes, knowing I still had to shower and getready for my appointment, a new strike of panic crushed against my alreadyworried mind.
“Ican't see,” I stated simply and breathlessly.
Myheart then galloped with anxiety as I squeezed my eyes shut again, praying Iwas okay and that it had only been my mind playing tricks on me. But when Iopened my eyes once more, I found that the vision in my left eye was in factgone, while my right eye was too faded to be useful.
“O-Oh,my God,” I said, more panicked than before. “Oh, my God, I can't see. Why, whythe hell can't Isee?”
Fora moment, the need to react and the desperation to simply panic wrestled in mymind. Panic shook me to the very core of my soul, while reason whisperedreassurances and instructions. Finally, reasonwonandI sat up to reach for my phone. Because there was nobody else here to help me,and the only person who could help my baby, was me.
So,with what little vision remained in my one eye, I managed to navigate throughto my list of favorited contacts. I called Brendan, then my parents, and I gotno answer from any of them. Frustration and panic chilled my veins and I boltedupright, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do now. I couldn't see wellenough to navigate my way to the street to hail a cab, I wasn’t sure if thissituation warranted a 9-1-1 call, and I couldn't read my phone screen to findthe doctor's number in my contacts. The only other person I had favorited wasGoose, and after a moment of hesitation, I hit the button to call his number.Because even though we were no longer speaking, and for good reason, this wasstill an emergency. And I knew I could count on him to answer.
“Hey,Kenny.”
Theamount of relief I felt in hearing his voice couldn't be reflected in my toneas I began to cry and said, “G-Goose, I can't see. I can't fucking see, andI'm, I'm scared. I am s-so—”
“Whoa,hold up, what'sgoin' on?”
Itook a deep breath, coughed, and then, in between sobs, tried to explain.“I-I've been sick. I've been reallysickand thiscough will not go away. And just before, I started coughing and coughing, andwhen it finally stopped, I couldn't see.”
“Okay.So, you're blind, right now?”
“Yes!O-O-Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with me?” The tears were pouring down mycheeks, as I stared unseeing into my bedroom. “I'm so fucking scared. I-I don'tknow what to do. I’m so scared.”
“Holdon, okay? Stay right where you are. I'm coming.”
“God,”I cried, laying my face in the palm of my hand. “What if some-something’s wrongwith the baby? What if something’s ha-happening to him? I can’t … I can’t dealwith this. I can’t fucking do this.”
