Ajolt of clarity struck as I recalled theargumentI’dhad with Brendan the day after our double date. He was bothered by myfriendship with Goose, and I wondered again if Tracey had been, too. I wantedto ask, but I had a feeling I already knew what the answer would be, and Iwasn’t sure I was ready to hear it.
Goosedidn’t seem to care about that, though.
“Shesaid she was no longer needed in my life,” he said, as the movie played andneither of us paid it any attention. “She read me like I was one of herclients, which should have pissed me off, but it didn’t.‘Causefor the first time in a while, I felt fuckin’ free, as shitty as that sounds.”
Imumbled a little contemplative sound, as the baby woke up and joined thebutterflies in my stomach, throwing punches and kicks, and growing strongerwith every passing week. I laid a hand right over him and smiled to myself, asGoose continued.
“Ireally cared about her,” he went on. “But I knew I didn’t love her. I feel likean asshole admitting that but,” he shrugged, “she already knew, anyway. Notthat it makes it better, but …”
Then,he turned to face me and asked, “Do you love Brendan?”
Iclenched my jaw and knew in an instant that he needed to leave. He was about tostep over the line we’d been toeing for too long, and it wasn’t okay. None ofthis was okay, not anymore.
So,I reached for the remote and turned off my favorite movie, then said, “I’mreally tired, and I don’t feel good, so—”
“Whythe hell has it taken you so long to move in with him?”
Istood up and tightened my robe around my waist. “Because I had other stuff todo.But,” I spread my arms, gesturing toward thestacks of boxes around us, “I’m moving in with him now, so there you go.Anyway, I’ll talk to you—”
“Youonce told me you were only with him because of the baby,” he cut me off, standingup and blocking my path to the door. “That’s not a good reason to stay withsomeone, especially if you’re unhappy.”
“He’sthe father of my son,” I spat at him defensively. “What am I going to do, breakup with him and face a custody battle and child support and, and, and …whatever else?” I shook my head and walked around the coffee table to get pasthim. “No. I won’t do that. I would never win. I would—”
Istopped my mouth the moment I realized what I was saying. The truth had spilledfrom my lips, and now, it was out in the open, with no way for me to take itback.
“Kenny.”
Itook a deep breath and wiped a palm across my forehead. “Anyway, that wouldnever happen, because Idocare about Brendan. And he’s going to be sucha good father. I know he’s not a great boyfriend, I know we have problems, butwe’re going to work on it, so … it’s fine.”
Pullingin another heavy breath, I headed for the door. Goose followed closely at myheels, and just as I was about to grab the doorknob and see him out, his handwrapped firmly around my arm and spun me around. His palms found my cheeks, hislips found mine, and I loved the way his beard tickled my chin. I loved hiscalloused skin, contrasted by the softness of my own. I loved that I felt morein those three seconds, before I shoved him away, than I had during any of thethousands of kisses I’d shared with Brendan. And then, I hated myself forloving it.
“Oh,my God,” I groaned, wiping the back of my hand over my mouth,in an attempt towipe those seconds away.
“Kenny,I’m sorry. I just—”
“No.I don’t want to hear it.”
“Youdon’t even know what I’mgonnasay!”
“Idon’t care!” I shut him up with the lift of my palm. “You need to get out ofhere.”
“Andyouneed to leave him.”
Finally,I looked at Goose, and immediately, I wished I hadn’t. Because I could stillfeel his lips on mine, and now I wanted to know if the rest of him felt just asgood. Still, I fought the urge to lunge at him by clenching my fists, wincingat the pain of my fingernails digging into my palms.
“Youhave no right to tell me what to do.”
Groaning,he pinched his eyes shut and nodded. “I know, I know,” he exclaimedexhaustedly, a hint of desperation in his voice. “But you’re reallygonnatell me that you don’t feel what I’mfeelin’ right now? You’re seriously justgonnastand there and tell me that I’m alone in this shit?”
Ididn’t want to lie to him. I didn’t want him to leave my apartment, not knowingI’d spent months of my life caring more for him than my own boyfriend. But Ialso didn’t want to fill him with the hope that this could be more than what itwas. Brendan was tied to me through the baby growing in my belly, and I wasn’tgoing to leave him and face a judge, only for the possibility of somethingmaybe working out with Goose.
“Itdoesn’t matter how I feel,” I told him.
“Willyou stop saying that shit?” he shouted.
Narrowingmy eyes, I crossed my arms and asked, “What?”
“God,Kenny, itdoesfuckin’ matter how you feel! You’re allowed to haveopinions and you’re allowed to leave him! You shouldn’t be afraid of the personyou’re with, and if that’s truly the only reason why you’re staying, then you—”
