Inodded and she tapped through her phone until she found what she was lookingfor. The opening notes were vaguely familiar, like they came from a time inanother life. I could hardly pinpoint where I'd heard them before, tooinebriated and tired, but I tried hard to place them in my memory.
“Doyou remember?” She stepped into my embrace, looping her arms around my neck,and pressing her body flush with mine.
“Kinda,”I replied, squinting and peering into the hazy moments that cluttered my mind.
“I'llhelp you, husband. This was the first song we ever danced to, on the streetoutside the restaurant. Remember it now?”
Thealternative sound of the guitar instantly sparked a crystal-clear memory fromthat night which otherwise seemed too faded to recall. She'd been so impressedwith my dance skills, so taken with the guy she never should have gottentangled up with in the first place. It was only months ago but it felt like alifetime. So much had happened and changed since then. I remembered theinnocent look in her eyes from all those months ago. Then, I was punched in thegut with the memory of our first time together, the time I'd taken her roughand hard, with too little regard for her feelings. I remembered the first timeshe got high, the first time she said she loved me. And finally, in a morerecent memory, I heard her say 'I do.'
Itfelt so wrong. I felt like a thief, the robber of her potential and life, and Ihung my head in shame.
“What'swrong, baby?”
“Younever should have been with me,” I whispered, swaying with her lazily.
Shepressed her fingertips to my lips. “Shhhh. Don't say that.”
“No,”I disputed, moving my lips against her fingers. “I'm a fuckin' wreck and Ipulled you down with me.”
“Shhhh,”she repeated, tracing my bottom lip with her fingernail. “We're not talkingabout the bad stuff right now. There's too much bad in the world, too much tothink about, and right now, I'm going to pretend that all of life is good.Because you and I are perfect, we are meant to be, however long we're meant tobe for, and I don't want to waste a second of our wedding night on thinkingabout anything other than that. Okay?”
Iagreed to not talk, but I never promised that I wouldn’t think. And so, as wedanced and as she hiked her leg up around my waist, drawing me closer and,eventually, drawing me in, my thoughts circled in an endless loop.
Iwas never perfect, but she was.
AndI ruined her.
***
Westayed past check-out and slept off the drugs and booze. I awoke with askull-splitting ache pounding in my brain, caught somewhere between starvingand never wanting to look at food again. Andy was already awake, laying besideme with her hands tangled in her wild nest of blonde hair, and when I offeredto order some aspirin and food, she shook her head.
“Idon’t need food. I just need drugs,” she whined, squeezing her eyes shut tight.
Andyhad always been thin, but I couldn’t recall her wrists ever being sopronounced. I reached for one of them, capturing it in my grip, and ran mythumb over the protruding knob of bone.
“Youneed to eat something,” I said quietly. “I’ll order food and you just eat whatyou want, okay?”
“Yeah,”she agreed, sniffling and wiping a hand over her eyes. “Sure. But will you getmore coke later?”
Ididn’t want to be sober any more than she did. I wanted to shut out the world,and I was just as addicted. Yet she was scaring the hell out of me, and still,I couldn’t say no.
“Yeah.Later.”
AndI kept my promise. I found Moe’s old friend, bought another eight ball, andwhen I got back to the apartment, I made Andy promise we’d make this one last.A line or two every night didn’t freak me out as much as it probably shouldhave, but a whole eighth of an ounce in one night wasn’t okay. Never had I everdone that much, sharing or otherwise, and I was dead set on never doing itagain. Especially with her.
Afterall, I had promised to protect her as best as I could.
Weheaded to work the following morning, two days after we’d been married, andalthough I stumbled in late, I felt it was better than not coming in at all.But the constant nights of using had begun to screw with my body and mind, andI had to drag my weary, jittering bones to get through the day.
Jennaapproached me outside after I’d finished my tenth cigarette since clocking in.
“Longnight?”
Idropped the ash-ridden butt onto the ground and crushed it beneath my boot.“Yeah.”
Sheoffered a pinch-lipped nod, keeping her arms crossed tightly over her chest.“What, uh, what were you guys up to?”
Snorting,I replied, “Are you askin’ seriously? Or just makin’ conversation?”
