“Havin’a smoke,” I grumbled, about to unlock the door.
“Don’tyou think you do that enough?”
Myhand paused and my teeth gritted, as it took every bit of willpower I had tonot spin around and scream in his face. But, with a deep breath, I turned thelock to open the door, and silently stepped out into another humid, summer day.Leaning back against the brick building, I lit a cigarette and pulled in a deepbreath. My eyes pinched shut, a forceful demand to feel the burning in my lungsand the warmth in my chest, and then, I exhaled until there wasn’t any breathleft in my body.
Theweeks had gone by slowly, but time was flying, killing my father and driving mecrazy in the process. His temper had heightened, his patience was nonexistent,and shamefully, I was on my last nerve. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted tosay, “I’m sorry you’re dying, I’m sorry you’re mad, but what about the onesyou’re leaving behind, huh? What aboutus?” But I wouldn’t say it. Icouldn’t bring myself to. Instead, I smoked. I smoked and I hoped things wouldget better, even just a little.
Laterthat day, around lunchtime, I told Pops I was heading out to grab some foodwith Andy. He glowered in my direction and asked if our pizza was too good forher. Flabbergasted, I pulled a pair of sunglasses from the pocket of my openbutton-down and shook my head.
“Pops,knock it off.”
“It’san honest question. The two of you’s have gone out twice this week. Why notsave money and eat here?”
“Because—”I caught myself, as I slid the sunglasses on, and shook my head. “Never mind.I’ll be back in a little while, okay?”
“Whywon’t you answer my question? You think you’re gonna hurt my feelings?”
Moehauled a garbage bag out of a can, tied it up, and threw it over his shoulder.“Lay off him, Mr. Marino, come on,” he said on his way to the front of theshop.
Ipatted myself down, making sure I had everything I needed, just as the doorchimed open and Pops said, “What, you need Moe to fight your battles, huh? Youcan’t stand up to your old man yourself?”
Behindmy glasses, I shot Pops with an angry look. “You’re really testin’ my patience,you know that?”
AlthoughI knew he was sick and frail and dying, Pops all but flattened me with aninfuriated look, reminding me of when he was healthy, and I was about twentyyears younger. “You willnottalk to me like that, boy.”
Despitethe residual chill from my youth trickling down my spine, I kept my steelyglare unfaltering as I replied, “What the hell do you think—”
“Hey.”Andy rushed to my side and wrapped her arms around one of mine. “You ready togo?”
Withouta word, I watched Pops, as if I needed his permission. He slashed his handthrough the air and turned away from me. “Get the hell outta here,” hegrumbled, and so I did.
***
“So... you wanna tell me what happened?”
Unblinking,I stared off in the direction of the hot dog vendor. I hadn't chewed the bitein my mouth for what was probably minutes, and the bread was now soggy, the hotdog and sauerkraut blending together to create a taste I suddenly foundunpleasant. I squashed the remaining half of my lunch in a napkin and tossed itinto the garbage can beside the bench we sat on.
Finallyswallowing, I said, “I dunno.”
Andysighed, keeping her eyes on the sidewalk and her hands. I pulled my whiteFamiglia Bella hat off and scratched my hairline, knowing I should talk to her.It's what people in relationships do. They vent, they complain. They talkthings out until they're better. It's what Jenna did with Nicky, what Zach didwith Greyson, and I knew, if I wanted to make things work with Andy, I had todo it with her, too. But our relationship wasn't the same. She was Pops's nurseand I feared she would take his side, if there were sides to take, and all Iwanted was for her to simply listen.
So,I asked, “If I tell you what happened, can you promise to keep the nurse in youquiet?”
Shesnorted. “That's kinda hard for me to do.”
“Well,I need you to try. 'Cause I don't wanna talk to Andy the Nurse. I just wannatalk to my girlfriend.”
“Okay.I'll try.”
Ipulled in a deep, refreshing breath. There had been a break in the heatwave, awelcome reprieve that promised fall was coming, and I enjoyed the feeling ofcrisp air in my lungs before exhaling.
“Idunno how to deal with him anymore. We fight about literally everything. Ican't even breathe without him sayin' somethin' about it. And it makes me feelbad, you know? 'Cause I know he's gonna die. But no matter how many times I tryto remind myself of that, he goes and does somethin’ else to piss me off.” Iswallowed, knowing what I wanted to say and what I wanted to elude to. I wantedto tell her about the whispering devil on my shoulder and how he was temptingme more and more with every passing day, but I wouldn't let myself say thewords. I wouldn't admit that I could be that weak. “It's just hard,” I settledon, letting my secrets settle uncomfortably inside my brain.
Andynodded. I could see how hard it was for her not to be a nurse. I knew shewanted to use her medical advice on me, separating herself from what we were torevert to something more comfortable for her. She took her time replying,allowing a few seconds to go by before she answered.
“Couldyou get your brother or sister to stay with him?”
Isniffed a bitter laugh. “And what, disrupt their perfect little lives?”
