CHAPTERFORTY
VINNIE
Vinnie,
You'reten today. I can't believe it. My baby is double digits! How did that happen?They're really not kidding when they say that time flies—whoever ‘they’ are.
Idon't know when you're going to read this. I don't know if your father wouldever allow it at all. Hell, maybe you're reading this when we're both dead,after you've found it stuffed in one of his drawers somewhere. Maybe you're aman right now, with a wife and a little ten-year-old boy of your own. Whoeveryou are now, I just hope you're better than me. I guess that's all any parentcan hope for, but I hope in my case, it's the truth.
Canyou believe it's been five years since I've seen you? I know I can't. I replaythose last moments with you over and over again in my mind, trying tounderstand how I could be such an awful person to someone I love so much. Youwere so sick, and you were only five, just a few short years after I'd rockedyou in my arms, swearing to God I would never hurt you. And while I know Ican't ever take it back and make it better, I want you to at least understandwhy I did it. I want you to at least see it from my end, even if you neverforgive me. But God, I hope you do.
Simplyput, I was suffocating. I had dreams for my life that weren’t coming true, andI was living a life that felt all wrong. I never wanted to be a mother. I neverwanted to remain tied down to one place. I never wanted the pizzeria, either.These were all things your father decided he wanted and he dragged me along forthe ride. But I resented him for forcing me into it. Sure, I could have walkedaway at the beginning, but I loved him and I wasn't ready to leave—oh, theirony.
I'dbeen seeing a therapist for a while and she had said I was suffering fromdepression. I didn't need a doctor to tell me that, but she gave me some pillswhich did help to make it a little better. The problem was that I became sodependent on the fog I was living in and not enough on what would truly make mehappy. And I was sick of it. I hated how much I resented your father. I hatedhow much I yelled at you kids. I was a monster, and after a while, I felt we'dall be better off if I just wasn't in the picture.
Butdeciding to leave that night had absolutely nothing to do with you. I know itprobably didn't seem like it at the time, you were just a little boy, but Ihope you understand that now.
Iwas only doing what I thought was best for everyone.
Ifyou are a man now, I wonder how you turned out. I've thought about that a lotthese last five years. I wonder about your brother and sister, too, but Imostly wonder about you. You were my clingiest baby and could never be leftalone without screaming. I hope your father was able to love you enough for theboth of us and I hope you grew up fine. I hope you met someone special and thatyou don't give up when things get hard. But above everything else, I hopeyou're happy and capable of giving the love I could never give.
God,I hope you're not like me.
Butif you are, I hope you can let that go and change. Before it's too late.
Whetheryou believe it or not ... I love you.
Mom
***
Ileaned back against the couch and wiped a hand over my face. I hadn't beencrying but I felt like I could, with tears prickling my eyes and burning mynose. I wanted to call Zach and Jenna to compare notes but stopped myself fromgrabbing the phone.
Thiswas too personal.
Therage I contained in my heart was intense and I grabbed at whatever my handlanded upon. I reeled back and chucked a marble ashtray against the wall,leaving a dent. Within seconds, Goose ran from his bedroom to the living room.
“Whatthe fuck is—” He stopped when he caught a glimpse of the ashtray on the floor.“Why you takin' shit out on my stuff, man? And,” he pointed at the cracked walland looked back at me, “why the hell are you wrecking the place?”
Ishrugged apologetically. “Because my mom's face isn't here.”
“Yougot mommy issues, too?”
Laughing,I stood from the couch and tucked the letter into my pocket. “I told you, man.I'm a real shit show.”
“Youbelong onDr. Phil.”
“Yeah,right?”
Hespread his arms out slowly with flourish. “Ex-junkie with mommy and daddyissues dates girl who sees dead people, marries her after two months.”
Laughingand walking into the kitchen, I shook my head. “Yo, people would pay to readthat book.”
“I'dsee the movie,” Goose agreed, following.
Ineeded this. After the day and night I'd had at the old apartment, I knew Icould use a little time with my friend before getting back to business the nextday.
Theoldapartment.
