“So,you're punishin' me for being weak? You're weak, too, asshole!”
“Yes!I am! And that's why I gotta stay far, far away from you. 'Causeyoumight wanna throw your life away,youmight not give a fuck, but I likethe shit I have goin' on, and I don't wanna lose it.”
“Oh,how fuckin' nice for you,” I spat, cutting my hand through the air. “You andyour perfect life. What a goddamn success story,” I snickered bitterly, shakingmy head. “I'd hate for you to lose your nice, big house or your cushy job or—”
“Oryou!”he yelled over me, bringing his fist down on the dining table. “You fuckin'idiot, I don't wanna watch you die!”
Hisvoice caught in his throat and his eyes dropped to stare at the floor. And Ihad nothing to say, to reassure him that I wasn't going to die, because, thetruth is, I'd been lying to Andy. I knew that, if I didn't stop this now, Iwouldn't see the other side of it. I wasn't going to be okay. I knew this, andZach knew it, too. But Andy didn't. She didn't want to see the truth that shetoo was barreling toward the end at lightning speed. That’s why she so easilybelieved my bullshit.
Turnsout I'm a pretty good liar after all.
Theapartment fell thick with silence. Zach rubbed at the back of his neck, wardingoff the emotion that kept biting at his quivering bottom lip. And that broke myheart, that it was so hard for him to say goodbye.
“Ifyou're ever ready to get help,” he finally said, his voice low and tight, “Iwant you to come to me. But until that point, you stay the hell away.”
Inodded. “Okay.”
A quietsob escaped his lips. “I love you, man. I fuckin' love you and I ... I wishthat was enough. I just ... I wish that was enough.”
Hedidn't wait for me to reply because he knew I wouldn't. He also didn't wait forme to change my mind because he knew I wouldn't. He just rapped his knucklesagainst the table, where we'd shared countless dinners in Brooklyn, and then,he left.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-FOUR
VINNIE
WhenPops had died, I thought the world as I'd known it had fallen apart. I thoughtthat was the absolute worst I could ever feel, the absolute lowest I could go.
ButI'd been wrong.
Zachhad punched me in the face, then written me off. My big brother. My best friend.My partner in crime. And he had done it to protect himself and the life he hadcreated. I couldn't help but wonder, if he'd never gotten lucky, would he havestill walked away? Would it have been so easy?
Iwas sure he had already told Jenna. I knew she'd already had some inkling as towhat was going on, and I was sure she'd stand by him in the decision to give upon me. And why not? She was pregnant. She was carrying my brother's baby, togive him and Greyson a family. She also had her own kids, her husband, herhouse ...
Andwhat did I contribute to all of that? Someone else to worry about? Someone elseto take care of? It occurred to me that maybe it wasn't me who had been takingcare of Pops, but the other way around. And now that he was gone, reallyfucking gone, who was going to take care of me now? Andy?
Isniggered at the thought. I loved Andy, truly, but I had been right about ourrelationship from the start. She was too good, I was too bad, and I was alwaysdestined to ruin her.
Ididruin her.
AsI sat on the couch, beside the pile of coke, the door opened and in walked mywife. Looking beautiful and so much like something I never should've calledmine in the first place.
“Hey,”she said cheerfully, dropping a heavy-looking garbage bag on the floor.
“What'sin the bag?”
“Itold you, remember? I was grabbing clothes from my parents' place.”
“Oh,”I nodded, recalling our conversation from the morning, “right.”
Itwas then that she noticed my face. The cut on my cheek, the blood I hadn't yetwashed off, and the ugly bruise that threatened to seal my eye shut. Zach hadhit me hard and the evidence of the beating, had Andy rushing to me anddropping at my side.
“Oh,my God, baby! What happened?” The nurse I'd originally known came out then,touching areas of my face with a delicate touch.
“Zachpunched me.”
“What?Why?” She stood up and rushed into the bathroom, returning with a first aid kitI hadn't been aware we owned.
“Toteach me a lesson.”
