I wasinterrupted by a whistling sound passing my ear, as the mirror flew by, andthen shattered on the wall behind me.
“Wherethe fuck is it?”
Ishook my head. “W-What—”
“Donot play stupid with me, you fuckin' asshole. Don't you fuckin' dare playstupid,” he said, stepping forward and pointing his stern finger at my face.“Now, tell me where the fuck it is before I tear this place apart.”
“I-Idon't—”
Hardknuckles met soft flesh with a sickeningthwackas Zach's fist came incontact with my cheek. A blinding throb began only seconds after impact, alongwith a sharp sting and trickling heat. Stunned, I brought my hand to my faceand came away with blood.
“Whereis it, Vinnie?” he asked again in a frighteningly calm tone. But when I didn'tanswer, he just snickered. “Fine. Don't tell me. I'll find it myself.”
Thepain in my face was nothing compared to the shame I felt, as I watched my olderbrother head straight toward the couch. He never needed to hunt for it. He justwanted to hear it from me, and I’d failed him, again. He tore the cushionsaway, revealing the bags of coke. And I wondered then, as he stood over thepile, chest puffed and heaving with anger, if he felt the temptation at all. Ifhis own little devil had come out of hibernation at the kiss of blow numbinghis gums.
I tooka timid step closer and said, “You can do some, if you want.”
Zachsqueezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Shut up, Vin.”
“Seriously,”I said in a rush, hurrying to the couch and picking one of the bags up. “I'llcut some lines. I can—”
Ichoked on the words as my back was slammed against the wall. My eyes closedagainst the impact as the air was thrust from my lungs. When I opened themagain, I saw the face of my big brother, red-cheeked and fiery-eyed.
“Whatthe fuck happened to you, man?” he asked. “We were good, Vinnie. We were clean.So, what the fuckhappened?”
Icouldn't run from this. I couldn't hide. He had me cornered, with his hands atmy collar, and for once, I decided to tell someone the truth.
“Icouldn't do it anymore,” I admitted quietly, dropping my gaze to his fists,gripping my t-shirt. “I-I couldn't fuckin' stand bein' alone.”
“Youcould've said somethin'!” he shouted, thrusting my back against the wall oncemore. “Goddamn, Vinnie, you were supposed to say somethin'!”
Irolled my eyes to the ceiling, shaking my head and fighting the emotion as itclogged my throat and bit at my nose. “Yeah, okay,” I snickered, “and thenwhat? Get in the middle of the shit you got goin' on with Greyson and Jen? Ormake you miss work and fuck up your business? I don't think so.”
“Iwould've helped you. I want to help younow.”
He puthis guard down, loosening his hold on my neck, and I grasped at the chance tohave the upper hand. I pulled away and shoved him back.
“Idon't need your fuckin' help,” I fired at him. “I got this shit under control.”
Zachstared at me, breaking my heart with a glare that said he no longer recognizedme. I was still his brother, the kid he’d grown up with, the guy he fucked upwith, but he had changed since then and I was now a stranger. Someone that heused to know.
“Yougot it under control?” He shook his head, slapping a hand against his thigh,then gestured back toward the couch. “You call this under control? What thefuck happens when Jen finds out? Or, hey, what about Andy? What happens whenyourwifefinds out about this?” And I guess my silence spoke volumesbecause he said, “Oh, so you’re doin’ ittogether. Well, that's justgreat.”
Iwanted to remind him that he was once no better than me. I wanted him toremember how he'd use his mouth in exchange for a dime bag. I could stillvividly recall guarding a door, with my back turned, while I listened to mybrother use his body to score us some blow. I could've said all of this shit tohim and done it in vivid detail. But I remained silent, afraid of how he'dreply, as I watched him push the hair out of his eyes and shake his head.
“Idon't want you anywhere near me,” he said, as he backed out of the living room.
Hefelt it, that old, nagging itch, and I knew I could've persuaded him to stay.But I didn't have it in me to tear him down, too. Not when he had a kid on theway. He was better than this. He was better than me.
“Doyou understand me, Vinnie?”
Isnapped my eyes to his and said, “You don't want me near you, I get it.”
“No. Idon't think you do. As long as you're doin' this shit, I wantnothingtodo with you. You won't come to my house. You won't come near my kid. You getme?”
Mybrows drew together and I saw red. “Wait, what the fuck? You're writing meoff?”
Hethrust his hands into his hair, gripping the strands between his fingers. “I'vebeen down this fuckin' road before, Vinnie! I know where it goes. And if you'rearound and you're doin' this shit, I don't trust myself to stay away from it,and I can't do that. Iwon't.”
