Hetapped my nose with his pointer finger. “I’m sorry for the hell I’ve put youand your mother through. I know I never say that, but … I wanted you to know,okay? I’m sorry. I know it’s not easy. I know it’s not …”
Ishifted uncomfortably. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to makehim feel bad.Ididn’t want to feel bad. “Daddy, it’s fine—”
“Kylie,it’s not fine. It’s not. But it is what it is. I am who I am, and I’m sorry forit.” His voice was edged and harsh, and my lips tightened, afraid to speak.Afraid I’d cry and make him feel worse. Push him further down into that grislyspiral of chaos and cocaine. “The best I can do is help you out where I can,like the coffee shop and the savings account.”
Iwanted to smile at the thought of the savings account Dad and I had beenputting money into for years. The savings account that would buy me my coffeeshop after graduation. It was the dream we’d brewed together, on our walks toand from the beach. During our infrequent visits at the rehab center. I wantedto feel the satisfaction of hope for the future, and I felt none.
“Kylie,”he said, “I want you to promise me that you’ll turn out okay and chase thatdream of yours, despite all of this shit.”
“Daddy,Iamokay,” I insisted.
Heshook his head again. “If you were okay, you’d be here more often. You’d bringyour boyfriend around.”
“W-we’rebusy.”
“Kylie,just promise me, okay?”
Iswallowed, and my eyes wandered up to the ceiling. “Okay, I promise.”
“Good.And promise me that you’ll never settle for less than perfect from any man thatyou’re with, even this guy Devin. Promise me you’ll always make sure they treatyou right.”
“God,Dad …” I groaned, rolling my eyes. “Isn’t thatyourjob? To intimidate myboyfriends?” I teased, glancing up at him.
Dad’sexpression was unreadable. Sad, angry, doubtful. It broke my heart, and Itscared me.
“Promiseme,” he repeated.
Iinhaled the stuffy air of the basement, longing to be upstairs. Outside. Backat college.
“Yeah,Daddy,” I said. “Yeah, I promise.”
Henodded, satisfied, and he kissed my temple. “That’s my girl. I love you, youknow that?”
Myheart ached as I rested my head back on his shoulder, hating so much that Iwanted to be anywhere but there with him.
“Ilove you too, Daddy,” I said, hoping so badly that it was enough.
PART ONE
In visions of the darknight
I have dreamed of joydeparted—
But a waking dream of life andlight
Hath left me broken-hearted.
-Edgar Allan Poe, “A Dream”
CHAPTER ONE
2005
Devin
Most people would sayher hair was purple.
Iguess they wouldn’t have been wrong in that assessment, and at first glance,that’s exactly what crossed my mind:That chick has purple hair.
