Startled,she blinked up at me, her chin trembling. “Sometimes that’s where it starts.Sometimes that's all it takes for you to think, oh, well, that didn’t doanything to me, so let’s try something else.”
Ihad more than a foot on her in height, but she was making me feel so fuckingsmall, and in that moment, I deserved it.
“Kylie… you know I’d never do anything—”
“DoI know that? Because the Devin I know, wouldn’t put up with the shityou’vebeen dealing with.”
Ishook my head, throwing my arms in the air. “Oh, here we go with this again.”
Sheinhaled a quivering breath. “You know, I’ve been watching everything changethese past few months and I’ve been blaming it on everybody else. Richard,Robbie, the hairstylist, the … the fuckingsecurity guards. I’ve beenpissed at everybody for changing you, for turning you into this person whoneeds to smokeweedand God knows what else, to provesomething to some fucking washed-up loser. But you know what I realized justnow, in there?”
“What?”was all I could say.
“Theproblem isn’t them, Devin; it’s you.”
Myheart stopped beating. It was crushed, smashed underneath the weight of thosewords. “How … how can you say that?”
Sheshook her head, dropped her gaze to the asphalt at her feet. “Maybe it’s noteven a problem. Maybe it’s just that things have changed, and we don’t fitanymore. Maybe … maybe this is what you’ve always been meant to do, and I hadto help get you there.”
“Kylie,what the fuck are you talking about?” I raised my voice and it echoed in theparking lot. I knew fans would be gathered outside the barricade. I knew they’dbe waiting with their cellphones, Sharpies and tickets. I knew they could hearme—us—and I didn’tfuckingcare.
Shetook a breath, swallowed, and looked back up at me. “It all changed the secondyou picked up that new guitar.”
Inarrowed my eyes. “This isn’t about a fucking guitar!”
“No,but when was the last time you touchedyourguitar, Dev? When was thelast time you wore Billy’s jacket? You haven’t worn itonceon thistour! You let them buy you a new one, you let them cut your fucking hair, youlet them change your songs. Youlet themdo this to you and I knowyou’ve complained about it every step of the way, but babe,you let them doit.”
Ishook my head. “You wanted this for me.”
Shereleased a heavy, trembling breath. “I wantedyourdreams, Devin. Iwanted you to do what makes you happy, but this? Is this what makes you happy?Because if it is, I will support you every step of the way, but my heart can’thandle being a part of it. I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
Angerblackened my vision and I tucked my lips between my teeth, and I bit down hard.“It’s always about you.” I shook my head, crossed my arms over my chest and dugmy fingers into my sides. “God, it’salwaysabout you.”
Hermurky blue gaze widened. “Excuse me?”
“God,the only reason I continued with this shit wasforyou,” I said,the words singeing against my lips. “You wanted me to. You wanted me to playthat piece of shit guitar in the store thatIfuckingbuilt and spentmymoney on, foryou.” I regretted the wordsimmediately before I even saidthemand they expandedin my throat. The tears caught in the corners of my eyes and I breathed throughthem, determined that I wasn’t going to cry in the middle of a fucking parkinglot.
Sheshook her head and her tears fell. “W-what?”
“Icould’ve let you deal with your own shit and gone after what I wanted, but Ididn’t.I threw it all away to help you, to fix shit foryou,” I continued.Determined to not let her see how badly I wished I hadn’t said anything at all.How badly I was hurting myself by hurting her. She chewed her inner cheek,unable to look at me, and I knew I had the upper hand. “I gave this shit up,Kylie, and I was prepared to do that, because Iloveyou. But you justkept pushing and pushing and now, you’ve got it. But nothing is good enough foryou. Nothing willeverbe good enough for you.”
God, my stupid fucking mouth. Why couldn’t it just stop?
Wiping her face and clearing her throat, she looked up at me.She attempted a look of strength and stability, but all I saw was the crushedexpression on the face of the girl I made a promise to, all those years ago.
“Well,” she said, “consider my debt paid now, Dev. You’re free.You have no obligations to me anymore and you don’t have to fix anything else,”and without a second glance, she turned around and walked from the parkinglot.
And for the first time, I didn’t go after her.
PART FOUR
Iwas a childandshewas a child,
In thiskingdom by the sea,
But we loved with a love thatwas more than love—
I and myAnnabel Lee—
