His laundry is on the bed, waiting to be put away, so I go to the closet to grab some hangers.
With a stack of them in my hand, I’m about to turn away when the piece of black leather in the back of the closet catches my attention.
The hangers fall from my hands as I step farther into the spacious area.
Why would he keep it?
The leather is cool and stiff under my trembling fingers.My eyes sting with unshed tears as I lift the hanger from the rack so I can get a better look.I carry it out of the closet and place it reverently on the bed.
Would things have been different if I had accepted his claim?They didn’t for my parents.My mom grew up in this lifestyle.When my dad claimed her as his ol’ lady, she was happy to accept because she loved him.She thought her having that title would be enough.I guess it was for a while, but the lifestyle went to my dad’s head.He had sweetbutts constantly throwing their pussy in his face, and he eventually caved to the temptation.Each time, it was easier for him until it became something he just didn’t give a fuck about.He didn’t care that he was hurting his wife.He didn’t give a shit that his kids were watching him betray their mom.He pretended not to notice that Mom lost a bit of herself with each betrayal.That she became bitter toward club life.Mom refused to leave because she said that’s just how club life is.The ol’ ladies turned a blind eye when their ol’ man had sex with someone else.That’s just how it was done.
I watched Mom lose her light day by day, unable to do anything except stroke her hair when she’d get lost in her mind for a while.
Then one day, she didn’t have any more light to lose.Dad found out one of the women he cheated on Mom with had his kid and gave it up.He was hellbent on finding the kid, expecting Mom to help him raise it when he did.
I think that was the last straw for Mom.It was what finally broke her so badly, she couldn’t recover.Two days after Dad told her he was searching for the kid, Mom took her own life.Mad Dog and Gavel found her while Dad was off on his stupid search and Valkyrie, Cyanide, and I were in school.She left notes for Dad and the three of us.Whatever she wrote in Dad’s sent him spiraling.He turned to alcohol to numb his guilt, and he was eventually killed because he was too drunk to protect himself or anyone else.I don’t know if Kyrie or Cyanide ever read their notes, but I didn’t.I couldn’t.The last I knew, it was hidden in Pope’s desk at the clubhouse.
Piston died before he could find his kid, and none of us bothered to pick up the search.Was it fair to hold Dad’s affairs against the kid?No.But finding them meant having a constant reminder around of why Mom took her life.
I loved her.Deeply.Fiercely.As much as a child could love their parent.There was no way I could betray her memory by bringing that kid into our lives.Cyanide and Valkyrie must have felt the same way because neither of them has ever brought it up.
Do I regret it?Sometimes.There are days when I wonder who they are, what they look like, how their life is.But then the memories of Mom’s pain, the way her broken soul shone in her eyes, would flood back to me.
Our childhood, watching all the toxicity go down between our mom and dad, shaped the three of us in different ways.I was never afraid of love.It was tying myself to someone in this club in a way that was unbreakable that terrified me.Wearing a property kutte, owning the title of ol’ lady ...it was a chain that didn’t bend, that didn’t break.It wasn’t something you just pulled off when you decided you were done.
Things in the club had changed by the time Pope wanted to claim me.Infidelity didn’t happen as often, but it still showed its ugly face.It popped up like an unwanted STD, intent on ruining your life with something you’ll never recover from.Ol’ ladies received more respect than in the past.They were cherished more, given more of a voice.But it was still, and always would be, club first.As a club brat, I understood that.I even respected it.Which is why I could never bring myself to put that kutte on.
I always told myself I didn’t have to worry because he would never betray me.
And I didn’t ...until he did.
He didn’t fuck her.I don’t doubt that for a second, and I knew that seven years ago.But he still betrayed me because he crossed the one boundary I set for our relationship.
Loyalty.
It’s the only thing I ever asked of him.
Don’t betray me by putting your hands on another woman intimately.Don’t betray me by speaking to another woman or man in a way you wouldn’t be comfortable with me doing with someone.
He did both, signaling the end of our relationship.
If he couldn’t respect me enough to talk to me, then he didn’t deserve me or my love.
Period.
I considered coming back plenty of times before I got with Frankie.Until I tried to tell Pope I was pregnant.After that, it was easier to walk away.
The loud voices outside pull me out of thoughts from the past.I hang the kutte back in place and quietly shut the closet door, not wanting to see it anymore.
Lovelyn and Legend join me in the living room as we watch Valkyrie and Cyanide through the open front door.
“You have to speak to me sometime, Ky,” our brother says.
Valkyrie laughs harshly.“No, the hell I don’t.”
“What are you going to do, ignore me?I’m not going anywhere.”
“Fuck.You’re like something Ajax won’t get rid of.I don’t know why you followed me here.”
