Maybe that is why I allow him near me, letting him stay with me throughout the night. He sits beside me on the floor, his arms entrapping me in comfort, his scent calming me down as the feeling of his heart thumping against my back does too.
I fall asleep like that on the floor, and when I wake up, he is gone, as if he was never there to begin with.
Chapter 22
Naya
As September drew toa close, October drifted in with a hint of winter in its cooler temperatures, and now that November is upon us, the air is a chill reminder of the season, the winds are heavier, and it is no longer pleasant to stay outside in the open. The weather is biting, a cold so chilling that it makes me pull the hoodie closer to my body where I sit under the blanket that certainly doesn’t provide warmth. I don’t remember how I ended up back on my bed last night after falling asleep by the door, with Grey’s tattooed arms around mine. But I remember the smell of him, the cologne that now lingers in the air, the scent my heart has come to associate with security.
In truth, the only thing I can think about is the unique scent he carries of dark florals and that profound, gravel voice that always seems to make something shiver inside of me whenever he speaks. Regardless of my attempts to focus on something else, he is never far from my thoughts. If it wasn’t for the faint scent of his cologne that still lingers in the air of my room, making my clothes and hair smell of it, I would have thought yesterday was just a figment of my imagination. Although it isn’t, and now I have to face the consequences of that mistake I made. But I know in my heart it wasn’t a mistake, I’m so used to living my life in solitude that the thought of connecting with someone on this profound level is enough to make me flee. I’m a coward.
Now that I’m alone in my room, I feel a sense of dread surrounding me, and the bleakness of the place causes chills to skitter across my arms as darkness encompasses me from all sides. The only thing that gives away the fact that it’s morning and not night is the thin ray of sunlight that shines through the partially drawn drapery.
I slip out of bed, feeling the smooth, wooden floorboards cool against my feet, and grab my baggy black pants and soft, white long-sleeved shirt from the chair. I move slowly down the corridor of wing three, and Ray’s voice becomes louder with each step I take.
“Let’s go for breakfast, yeah?”
His voice has a certain level of energy, not the kind you’d expect from someone who has slept all night, so he must have had the night shift.
I nod in agreement, and he takes a few steps forward in the direction of the cafeteria, motioning for me to follow. The moment I step foot inside the cafeteria, I approach the food queue with reluctance, hoping that they haven’t put anything into my food this time, and choosing to eat from the same buffet that the rest of the patients grab from. Just as I am about to take the food, the old lady from behind the counter whistles me over like I’m some goddamn dog, and I stall over to her.
“What the fuck is your problem?”
I’m completely exhausted, which has left me with a short temper and prone to overreacting to minor matters.
“Here is your food.”
She places the plate of food in front of me with a steady hand, her voice calm despite my attitude. When I take a look at the plate, I immediately recognize the same food from the buffet, which leads me to contemplate some questions. Grabbing my paper plate, I quickly glance around to see if there are any empty tables, only to find that Aubrey is calling out to me from the same table we sat at the night before, inviting me to join them. It leaves me no other choice but to eat with them, and I sigh inwardly. So much for avoiding them, especially after what happened yesterday between me and Grey. Can he, too, feel the way his demons call for mine?
Grey’s eyes roam my body as I take the only available seat, our legs briefly touching, igniting a spark that seems to electrify the air around us.
“Good morning,” Aubrey chirps in a bright voice as they smile at me.
“Morning.”
Jaqueline rotates her body toward Grey, her movements precise and measured. “Anyway, thanks for last night,” she whispers to him loud enough for us all to hear.
I stop poking around at the food on my plate, momentarily frozen as I let the plastic fork sit in my hand. A maelstrom of thoughts whirls in my mind, attempting to clear out the disarray caused by her words. It shouldn’t bother me that he went to Jaqueline’s room during the night after he was with me, but it does, and I hate the traitorous heart that feels as if it’s being shredded to pieces. I don’t care about him, he can do whatever he wants and hang out with whoever he wants to.
No, I don’t care about him.
I keep poking around the food on the plate, waiting for him to reply to her or explain, but it doesn’t come. Jaqueline throws her arm around him and hugs him, and he does nothing to push her away this time. I’ve witnessed the harsh way he dismissed her in my presence before, yet I foolishly still have hope that he would do it again for my sake. My guess is that he realized how messed up I truly am yesterday, and that he won’t want to be near me again because of it. As a matter of fact, he probably told Jaqueline last night how pitiful and pathetic I am.
“Do you want to join us later?” It’s Calvin talking this time, and when his eyes meet mine, I shake my head.
“Can’t, have a meeting.” The answer I give them is direct and short, leaving no room for them to intervene.
As much as I enjoy being around them, I don’t really want to spend more time with them than at the dinner table, and I need to stay as far away from Grey as possible. The best way to avoid heartbreak is to act as if I don’t have a heart at all, that I’m the emotionless monster I’ve felt to be my entire life. We are all quiet for what feels like an eternity, and all I can do is stare at my food, unable to make myself eat it.
Ever since that night I fell unconscious–when I woke up to those unknown voices talking about the food they gave me–I’ve been paranoid. I’m not sure if what I experienced was a dream, so I’m not willing to take any risks, especially considering the unknown medicine administered after the meeting with Alicia yesterday.
I feel the weight of eyes on me, hot and scorching, that awakens a hunger I never knew I had, and I give in to the urge to push it away far down below the surface. So far down it’s unreachable.
Show no weaknesses. Maintain a strong, hardened exterior. Don’t let him see how his words and actions affect you–being vulnerable could be deadly.
Ever since I arrived at Grimhill Manor, I have known that fact.
“Do you want my food? I’m full.” Aubrey stirs me from my thoughts at the sight of food, and I smile brightly at them.
