“I guess.”
“Okay? So this demi thing. You have to give it more time, right?”
Cross turned enough to see Rusty’s face. “I always figured if I found the right person, I’d want sex. Like, sometimes I get turned on, a bit. Watching you jerk off over FaceTime was hot.”
After a long pause, Rusty said, “But?”
“I like you, feel close to you, a lot more than I ever did with Willow. I watch you sometimes and I can’t believe how sexy you are. And last night, having you hold me, that was… special.”
Rusty reached toward Cross’s face but let his hand drop without touching. “To me too.”
“Then this morning, my ankle’s barely three on the pain scale. I finally don’t have terminal exhaustion brain fog. I have the guy I want most in the world in my bed. And I loved giving you a blow job, truly, watching you come apart under my hands but…”
“But?”
Cross took a sharp breath. “I still don’t need anything more. I don’t want you to touch my dick today, I don’t even want to come on my own. I’m good, just like that.”
“Maybe you’re still tired.”
“Yeah, a bit, but that feels like an excuse. Fuck.” He put his hands over his face. “I’m saying this wrong.”He’s going to leave now. He’ll walk away from this mess.
Warm fingers ringed his wrists. Rusty tugged Cross’s hands down from his face. “Hey, don’t hide. Talk to me.”
“Talking’s not my good thing.”
“Mine either. Turning a smart-ass winger into a smear on the boards? That I can do. But I think we gotta make an exception.”
“I don’t want to lose you.” Cross’s throat ached. “But I’m beginning to think maybe I can’t be everything you need inbed.”How much closer can I possibly be to someone than I feel with Rusty? Why the hell isn’t that enough to make me want him? This is the moment it’s supposed to come together in my demisexual brain, right? How long is he willing to wait?He tried to remind himself that really, if you counted actual days in the same place, they hadn’t been together that long yet.
“You did a damned good version of all I could want five minutes ago.” Rusty frowned. “Or were you lying that you liked it? I don’t need you making sacrifices to keep me happy.”
“I did like it. I just don’t need it back for myself.”Now? Or ever?He wasn’t sure anymore.
“But you’re okay getting me off? Or, like, that shit we did online where you told me how to jerk off. Did you like that? Seemed like it was your idea.”
Cross couldn’t remember who’d started it, but that wasn’t the point. “Yeah, I liked it. I had fun bossing you around and you’re gorgeous when you’re all worked up. Ten out of ten, would do that again.”
“So I can get blow jobs and hugs and you’ll boss me into coming like a fountain on my own, and you’re worried that won’t be enough for me, until you finally want more?”
“I guess. Yeah. It’s not real sex.”
“Felt fuckin’ real ten minutes ago.”
Cross shook his head, unable to put words to his thoughts.
Rusty squeezed his hands. “No, I get it. Sex is usually both people getting off. But sometimes it’s not. I’ve sucked a guy off and had him walk away without touching me.”
“I bet you didn’t like that.”
“Wasn’t my favorite, but only because he didn’t fucking ask me. I also had a couple of guys who wanted to suck me and nothing else. Made me worry about what was in it for them, but I enjoyed the blow jobs.”
“Really? They didn’t ask for it back?”
“Nope. Course, for all I know, they were sucking four guys to work themselves up to fucking the fifth one and coming their brains out. But as long as everyone had fun and knew the plan, it was all good.”
“I did that a few times,” Cross admitted. After a lot of research and practice with bananas, which he wasn’t going to admit to. “Sucked some guy in a club. To see if I liked it.”
“And did you?”
