But I’m not alone. The memory of Parker proposing hovers like a giant parade balloon. Even when I close my eyes, I can see it. Mixed with my grief is a huge heap of guilt.
Used tissues fill the passenger seat, and my box is empty. It’s time to go home.
Before starting the engine, I shoot off a text to Paisley.
Me:Call when you get a chance. I have bad news.
It’s early, and she’s busy with kids. I probably have time to get home before she calls. Depending on what they have going on, she might even drive out to see me, and I think I’m ready.
It feels too soon to ask her for help on how to let Parker out of this arrangement—the marriage. The baby is the only reason he’s in this mess. And now that reason is gone. Talking about it isn’t an option right now because I oscillate between numbness and sobbing. There is very little space in between.
Parker will probably be working in the barn by the time I get home, which means he won’t have to listen to me wail or watch me stare off into space. I want nothing more than to rest my head on his chest and forget the rest of the world exists, but that’s unfair. He has a job. I can’t ask him to put his life on hold just for me.
Feeling like I’ve been wrung out because of all my crying, I drive through the ranch, hoping I don’t see anyone. I’m not sure I could manage a wave without coming apart.
Parker’s truck is outside the cabin, so I get control of my emotions, gather up my trash, and walk inside.
He springs off the sofa and rushes up to me. “You’re back.”
I nod, which is the best I can do without dissolving into tears. Because of these last few weeks and getting closer to Parker, around him, I have no walls. There is no numbness when he’s around, but he shouldn’t have to deal with my gloom.
He holds out his hands. “Give me the trash. I’ll take care of it.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Give it to me. And breakfast is on the table. I didn’t want to leave, so I asked Kent to bring it over.” Dumplin’ gently brushes his fingers on my hands as he takes the tissues. “And I let Clint know that I wouldn’t be working today.”
My chin quivers, and I hate that I can’t keep it together. “You told them?”
“No. I just let them know that there was something going on, and I needed to be herewith you.”
The air feels cold as he walks away, and I stay glued to the floor, afraid that if I move, I’ll lose grip on my emotions.
After washing his hands, he pulls out a chair, then walks back to me. “You need to eat.” He hooks an arm around my waist and leads me to the table. “I had him bring us coffee, but if it’s too soon, I’ll go dump it outside.”
“Coffee is good.” And I sink into the chair. “I texted Paisley. But only told her to call me.”
“When she comes, I’ll take the kiddos out so y’all can talk.” He rubs my back and pulls foil off a plate. “It should be warm still. He just dropped it off a few minutes ago. And Clint doesn’t even know you were pregnant. Kent knew, but I haven’t told him what happened.”
“I need to tell my dad.” I pop a forkful of pancakes in my mouth.
He nudges the syrup bottle toward me. “After you eat, we can call him.”
While I eat pancakes and bacon, his hand rubs circles on my back. And I give myself permission to accept Parker’s comfort. I’m drowning in grief, and his gentle caresses feel like a lifeline.
After working my way through one pancake, I push the plate away. “Thank you.”
“I’ll put it away in case you want more later.” He drops a kiss on the top of my head as he stands. “Have a seat on the couch. And I’ll be there in a sec.”
I grab a seat, and when he sits beside me, I bury my face in his chest and sob. Parker pulls me into his lap and holds me.
Through stuttered breaths, I say, “I know it seems silly to be so upset since the pregnancy was a surprise and all that happened with John.”
“It’s not silly. And if it is, then I’m just as silly because...” He shrugs, tears brimming in his eyes. “Don’t apologize for being upset.”
“Your shirt is a mess because of me.” I swipe at the tears and snot streaked on the fabric. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t mind. And if it bothers you, I’ll take it off.” He dances his eyebrows, and in spite of everything, I laugh.
