“Fuck.”
“Look, asshole, she’s going to leave you anyway if you keep acting like a dick. Please, tell me you didn’t lock her keys away?” I shake my head. “Well, at least we’re not past the point of no return. Coop, you have a real chance to put your life back together and I don’t mean the duct taped, barely holding it together version of you from the last four years. I mean the real you. It’s terrifying, and you’re scared to shit about the entire thing because it means opening up that part of you that’s still hurting. But I’m telling you, that woman in your loft? She’s about as far away from Cassie as you can get. Renate will face down your darkest demons and fucking dare them to lay a finger on you so she can rip their throats out and eat their black hearts. She’s not a damsel, Coop. She’s a goddamn assassin and if you’ll let her, she’ll fight by your side till the bitter end.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do, actually! Because I’m lucky enough to have one just like her back home. Thing is, I’d do the exact same thing for Lexi, and you’ve seen it. So my question now is, would you do it for Ren? Because there are some wicked fucking demons in her closet, and if you’re not going to be there when she needs you, let her go. Let her find someone with balls big enough to match her own.”
“What?” I stare up at him, squinting against the fading sun.
“I’m saying you don’t have to do this alone. You never have, but now you’ve got her and fuck it, man. Either fight to keep her, or let her go and keep wallowing in your self pity by your big ass pool.”
I wipe my face and groan into my hands before I stand up and stare back at the house. There’s a light on upstairs in the loft and find her silhouette in the window. My stomach turns as everything I’ve done since she’s been here comes rushing back. The thought of losing her feels like someone twisting a knife in my gut. The problem is, if I were to look down, it would be my hand on the hilt.
“I’ll bring the dogs out here and keep them company. If this ends up being anything like Lexi and I when I finally told her everything, you two aren’t going to leave the bedroom for a while. Someone should be here to warn Mini Cooper.” He squeezes my shoulder with a lopsided grin. I witnessed Jamie putting it all out there for Lexi, and how it laid a stronger foundation for both of them. The irony of both of us being so fucking dumb to think we could lock the past behind literal doors makes me question our sanity.
“If it heads south, I’m here for you, man. You know that. Stop trying to be all weirdly macho and handling shit on your own. It never works out how you think it will, because that will never be you, and it won’t ever be what she wants.”
* * *
She looks stunning as she sits curled up on the sofa grading her papers, so I lean against the wall, trying my best to be silent and not disturb her. Every breath I take reminds me of how much I don’t want to lose her. How I’m not ready to let this go. My stomach becomes a battleground of nerves and butterflies, and my heart pulls me in two directions. Or maybe it’s that voice in my head trying to sabotage my life again.
“Ren?” My voice cracks. Her head snaps up, no trace of anger in her eyes, only concern. I swallow the lump in my throat. “Can, uhm, can I talk to you for a minute? I can wait till you’re done grading if you need me?—”
“No, you’ve waited long enough.” I’m glad. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep up the nerve to do this. She gathers up the papers and pats the couch next to her.
“I’ve been acting like a fuckup, and you deserve to know why.” I should ease into this, but I’m ripping the bandaid off. “My ex never recovered from what happened with the paps, but I tried to keep her going,” I explain as I sit next to her. “I just wanted things to get better, and that’s probably why I proposed to her. Neither of us were in the right headspace for that kind of leap. Hell, I’m not sure we ever we loved each other, but I thought it would help give her something happy to look forward to. Something good.”
Ren reaches over and takes my hand, which surprises me. It shouldn’t, though.
“She could smile again, and spent her free time looking at florists and dresses. We agreed to only tell a few people about the engagement, so it wouldn’t leak. A few weeks after I proposed, I drove across town to check on a venue she’d been talking about.”
I thought I’d feel nauseous or upset telling her this. I didn’t expect to feel numb. It’s like I’m somewhere else, listening to someone else tell my story. I get up, still holding Ren’s hand, and lead her down to the back of the garage. To the door I couldn’t bring myself to open for years. I reach for the knob with a shaky hand, but she stops me, resting her hand over mine.
“While I met with the venue people, Cassie called me,” my voice cracks as I continue the story. I step back as the door opens, still expecting the pool of blood. Expecting to see her lying there, cold and lifeless.
“Stay with me, Chase,” she says as I fight off the panic attack. My hand absently searches for Pongo and he nudges my fingers. Jamie must have let him in, knowing I’d need him. Ren rubs my other palm with the tip of her finger until I can talk again.
I blink away the nightmare. “I didn’t answer her call, too busy talking to the venue manager. Dev blows up my phone about twenty minutes later. He came down to visit during his college off season. The Parrots got permission to invite him out for a workout and he couldn’t shut up about it the whole week. He forgot his skates and came back to the house. He should have been on the ice, not at the house that morning.
“The fourth or fifth time he called, I finally answered. I almost yelled at him. I thought he had locked himself out of the house or something stupid. But he… he freaked out when I answered. Crying and screaming at me that he saw something under the door—” She steps in front of me, and for a flash, she’s Cassie, her cold eyes staring at me. The face shifts back to Ren again, and her eyes aren’t cold. They’re warm and full of tears. There’s recognition in them as she realizes what I’m about to tell her before I can get the words out. She cups my face and lets me take my time.
“I raced home, found him sitting in the corner covered in blood. She died before he’d opened the door, they said. The shock hit him hard, so hard he forgot to call the cops.” I close my eyes, trying to will the smell of bleach away, but I can’t. “After they took her, I didn’t leave the house for four days. I cleaned the blood, and I sealed the room shut so no one could get in.”
“So the demons won’t get out,” she whispers as she turns and looks at the door. “You opened it last week, didn’t you? That’s what changed?”
I nod. “I thought I’d handle it better. I thought I needed to man up and get over it, like you got over your ex. Instead, I got scared and tried pushing you away while simultaneously trying to control your life. I couldn’t let you…I couldn’t let it happen again.”
“Well, you forgot to actually have me here with you, Puppy.” She strokes the side of my face. “Youcanmove on, but you’re never going to get over something like this, Chase.”
“Her, uhm, her parents…they wouldn’t let me go to the funeral. They blamed me for taking her away.” Those are the words that do me in, and she pulls my head down to her shoulder, but I crash down onto my knees instead. Burying my face in her stomach as I break down. “I did this to her,” I whisper over and over again, but she keeps holding me and stroking my hair. No one has done that since Cassie. No one did that before Cassie. She had so much love to give this world, and because of me, she ended her life.
“Jamie has a sister, Elle, who orchestrated the paparazzi attacks based on what they found in her computers. She had it out for Jamie and tried to attack his friends to make him suffer. I never completely understood it, though, because she went after Steve and his ex fiancé and taunted them over it. She admitted to leaking the nude photos, but never anything else to do with Cassie—including the guy who took the photos and the harassing texts to Cassie’s phone.” It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted that to anyone. “They never charged her for anything since Cassie died by suicide.”
The door shuts, and she tilts my chin up as she brushes my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. “Chase, I need you to make me a promise, okay?” I nod, not trusting my voice yet. I draw in a shaky breath as she takes my face in her hands and stares into my eyes. “Never push me away like that again. Never. If you need to talk, we talk. If you need to cry, fuck this manly bullshit and you cry with me. If you need to yell, we’ll both go outside and yell at the damn moon. Just don’t push me away, especially when you need me.”
“I—I promise. I promise I won’t.”
“Good, and I need to make you a promise.” She gives me that soft, forgiving smile that makes my butterflies go nuts. “I’m not Cassie. I will never be Cassie, and I can’t take her place. That means you can’t treat me like her, either. This won’t be me. I’m too much of a damn pain in the ass to leave before my time, so get that out of your head right now. People keep leaving you behind, Puppy, but you’re mine now. I’m not leaving you unless I’m kicking and screaming. Got it?”
