“I don’t get it? It sounds like you two are hitting it off. What did you fuck up?”
“See the tall redhead behind the bar?” Cyn glances around me and nods. “I almost fucked her out in the alley a few minutes ago.”
“Not the smartest move, but not the worst.” Cyn knows about my exes, the therapy, my brain constantly trying to implode on me. She’s even seen me break down a few times and had to cover for me. “You know what the problem is, right?”
“I…I like Ren? I like her and yet I’m out here getting drunk and?—”
“No, sweetie, you don’tlikeher. You’re trying to sabotage what you have because it scares you, doesn’t it?” My head drops to my chest and I nod. “I could have told you that before you had me get 40-something smart boards, babe.”
“What do I do?”
“Go back to the room and call her. There’s only a three-hour time difference tonight. I’ll order a pizza to help you sober up while you talk to her.”
I purse my lips and nod. Why does everyone else in my life see what I need or what I should do, and I never do? The entire world has read a page ahead of me in the script and I can’t seem to catch up, no matter how fast I read. I’m not an idiot, even though I’m being one right now. I’m a chronic over-thinker with severe anxiety, which means I can’t see the obvious answers sometimes.
I take my phone back and head for the elevator. I’ve been keeping myself off the playing field and out of reach for so long now, I’ve forgotten how all of this works when the feelings hit. I need to tell her how she makes me feel. I need her to know that friends with benefits won’t be enough, but I’m worried she’ll run away.
* * *
I’m on my fifth read-through of a contract Cynthia dropped off in the hopes it would put me to sleep. I toss the thing next to me in the bed and sigh as I rub my face. I’m still in my dress slacks and shirt while Pongo and I lay in the bed and he watches a documentary about sharks since I can’t find Dev’s game. I’ve eaten almost a whole damn pizza in my attempt to avoid making this phone call. Steve would have me downstairs in the gym for the next five days because of that.
Out of excuses, I pick up the stupid phone and scroll to her name.
It rings. It rings again. I’m about to hang up when she picks up, and the entire world stops spinning. I can breathe again.
“Hey!”She sounds bubbly and with that one word, my entire body relaxes. “What are you doing up?”
Thinking of you. Trying to figure out how to make this real. Wishing you were here.
“I, uhm, couldn’t sleep.” Not a total lie, but not what I wanted to say. My brain goes blank, and nothing I rehearsed comes out of my mouth. “Did I wake you?”
“No, I just finished grading the last paper before heading off to bed. I’ve been waiting to see if this hot guy I met calls me tonight.”
There’s a pang of jealousy before I ask, “To avoid putting my foot in my mouth and sound like a self-centered, arrogant ass clown, would the hot guy?—”
“Yes, Chase. It’s you.”She giggles, but stops when I don’t react.“Hey, are you okay? You sound, I dunno, off.”
“No,” I admit, thinking back to the bartender, whose name I’ve already forgotten.
“Chase, what happened?”
I want to apologize to her, and tell her about the bartender. I want to ask her to reconsider our situation. I need to tell her I didn’t mean to fall for her like this. I want to ask her if she misses me the way I’m missing her.
“Uhm, it’s nothing. Tired, I’m sure. Tell me about your day.”
Why am I acting like this?I want a connection again, but I’m fucking scared. I want mundane conversations about buying groceries and ordering Chinese food. I’m tired of worrying that every woman I meet will leave me. I’m tired of being alone. I’m damaged goods, but Ren doesn’t see me like that or as a meal ticket. She makes me feel all the things I’ve kept buried away for four years—or maybe my whole life.
“It was…a day. You don’t want to hear about that, Chase. It’s boring. Not like you and your awards and flashy clothes. I saw you the other day. The interview where you had on the shirt with sunflowers?”
I picked that shirt out for her, thinking she’d never notice. It’s crazy how much Ren cares about me and my life. Ren understands I’m different and instead of running away, she still answers her phone and listens to my schedule. I couldn’t do that with Cassie. I couldn’t tell her how often I lose my shit, because Cassie didn’t understand me. She came from a close knit family that didn’t believe in sharing feelings. She never tried to understand my life or my struggles. I didn’t realize that until Ren.
“Yeah?” A cold, wet nose nudges my hand. “I almost threw up at that interview. That guy has a huge following over here, and I felt like a nobody.”
“Oh, Puppy. You’re not a nobody.”Her soft voice comforts me from thousands of miles away, and she doesn’t know how much I needed to hear it.
“Cyn says I might be up for an award tomorrow night. I don’t get why. I mean, I’m just a dumb action movie guy. Some of these people have made some incredible movies. They’re art. Beautiful and moving films that make you feel alive, or angry, or sad. I don’t belong here.”
“Chase, you belong. I’ve seen you move entire audiences to tears with an expression on your face and not a single word from your mouth. Stop listening to that voice in your head. You’re not a dumb action guy. Your IMDB page will show you that. I bet your movie will wow the shit out of those people tomorrow and if they don’t give you the award, well, fuck them. I’ll give you an award when you get home.”
