Rowan could not, just now, speak to Jordy or even look at him without causing an incident, so he turned to Kaira. “Are you telling me your daddy has never taken you out for fancy pizza?”
Maybe it was the novelty, but Kaira was at her most angelic when Jordy was home. She might make demands for family time orBlueyor bedtime stories, but all kids did that, and there were fewer tantrums with Jordy around. They spent a relatively tension-free thirty minutes in the kitchen, arguing good-naturedly about pizza toppings. Rowan made steady eyecontact with Jordy while putting pineapple on his, just to be funny, and felt far too pleased about it when Jordy laughed.
Dinner was delicious. There were even leftovers for Rowan’s lunch, and because he was clever and put pineapple on his, no one else would eat it. He packed those up in a reusable container, feeling smug, and let Kaira pleadingly invite him to watch an episode ofScooby-Doo. He even sat on the couch on purpose, knowing Kaira would climb up onto the middle cushion and put her feet in his lap. He tucked what had become his lap blanket around her bare toes, let it fall to the floor to warm his own, and smiled when she sighed happily with her head on her father’s lap.
Five minutes into the episode, Jordy cleared his throat. “The hotel owner did it.”
Rowan squawked. “No fair. You’ve seen this one.”
But Jordy wouldn’t admit it, and Rowan thought if making a snack could bring back some of the camaraderie they had before they added sex to their friendship, it was a small price to pay. He could put together a charcuterie board tomorrow night, or whatever.
After the show, Jordy packed Kaira up for a bath and bedtime while Rowan put the kitchen to rights. It seemed only fair since Jordy had gone to such trouble making dinner and the cleaning service didn’t come until the weekend. He couldn’t leave a mess for the nanny, assuming one was coming tomorrow.
He’d just put away the saucepan when Jordy returned from Kaira’s room and cleared his throat. “So, uh… I was hoping I could talk to you for a few minutes, if it’s…. Can we do that?”
Without storming off or ending up in bed? Historically…? Well, there was that time before they started sleeping together. Rowan cleared his throat and leaned on the counter so he wouldn’t fidget. “Sure.”
“I just—I want—” Jordy ran a hand through his hair.
Stop, Rowan wanted to tell him. He could handle confident Jordy, working Jordy, Jordy the self-assured dad. But Jordy struggling for words and touching his hair made Rowan’s stomach flip-flop.
“I want to explain, I guess,” Jordy said finally, “about what happened between us, and why I, uh, why I’ve been such a jackass.”
For once in his life, Rowan could not come up with a snappy response. What a time for his wits to desert him. “Um. Okay.”
“So you know I was married before Kaira came along. And that kind of… I don’t want to say it ended badly or that me wanting to adopt Kaira ended my marriage, because if I’m honest I knew it was over already. But I’ve never been a dad and a partner at the same time.”
Rowan stared at him. He didn’t have the slightest clue what Jordy was getting at, but he didn’t want to admit that out loud in case Jordy thought he was stupid. “Okay?” he said again.
Jordy was looking right into his eyes, his gaze intense, like he was willing Rowan to understand through the power of eye contact. “I think that’s why I didn’t notice, you know? I was—I mean, we were friends, but then you moved in to help me look after Kaira, and that was kind of…. It was domestic. It was never—I never treated you like a nanny. I never saw you that way, I guess.”
Nope, Rowan still didn’t get it. “Uh… that’s okay,” he said. “I know I’m—we’re still going to be friends.” Though long-distance ones, probably, once Jordy got traded. The kind who lost touch after a few months and then maybe only sent Christmas cards for a year or two, but never deleted each other’s contact information.
When Rowan offered nothing more, Jordy ran a hand through his hair again and went on. “But then we started sleeping together, and that’s where it all fell apart for me. Istarted treating you like a partner, not—not a friend or a nanny. And I couldn’t see that I had put those expectations on you without, uh, talking to you about any of it. Because it was nice for me to have that.”
Rowan’s poor, stupid heart cracked.
It was nice for me to have that.
That was what Rowan was. A nice thing for Jordy to have, without thinking about.
Jordy made a move like he wanted to step closer, but he stopped when Rowan released his grip on the counter and leaned back.
“For the past six years, it’s just been me and Kaira. I thought focusing on her was the right thing to do. And it was, or it wasn’t the wrong thing. I wasn’t ready for anything else. And then there you were, and there, uh,wewere”—Rowan had a visceral, ill-timed flashback to the wall episode—“and you were just there, all the time. Not just for Kaira but for me too. And I took advantage of that without thinking about it.”
Jordy paused for breath, his cheeks flushed, and ran a hand through his hair. He was talking quickly, like he needed to get this conversation over with. Like he was ripping off a Band-Aid.
Rowan’s stomach flipped and his lungs cramped. His mouth wouldn’t open.
“And it waseasy. I didn’t even know I had almost everything I could want until I lost what I had with you.”
Almost everything.
“And that’s what made it so hard to pick a nanny,” Jordy pushed on, like he didn’t know he was stomping on Rowan’s dreams right in front of his eyes. “It wasn’t really a nanny I wanted anymore, because I’m finally ready for apartner. Someone who’s there for both of us. Someone I can share the burden with, not that—I mean, Kaira isn’t a burden, but—choosing what’s for dinner and what color to paint the guestbathroom and where to go on vacation.That’swhat I want, but I didn’t know it. Um, until now.”
If that wasn’t a kick in the chest—to realize he’d been the pale imitation that made Jordy realize he wanted the real thing.
Rowan’s heart seized, because he knew the feeling. Jordy was everything Rowan had never known he’d wanted, everything he’d never had, and Rowan was so goddamn in love with him that he wasn’t sure he’d ever get over it.
