Trevor thought over Rudy’s words and needed to say something. Trying to help him understand, he placed the fingers of one hand against Rudy’s cheek.
“I’m truly sorry, Rudy. Someone as amazing as you should never have to hide or settle.”
“Fuck, Trev,” cried Rudy, rolling onto his back, his hands covering his face.
“What?” said Trevor, trying to pull one of Rudy’s hands away. “I’m sorry. What did I say?”
“Most people would call me all kinds of stupid. That I got whatever sick relationship I was prepared to put up with. But not you. Where were you six years ago when I needed you?”
Trevor didn’t have an answer for that. Six years ago, he had met Karl. Six years ago, he had been about to embark on a relationship that was doomed to failure.
“And what are you looking for now?” asked Trevor.
“I’m not really sure. But definitely someone who doesn’t hide who they are, and who doesn’t need me to do the same. Someone who’s fun to be around, if that’s not too much to ask. Most of all I’m sick of feeling adrift. My days of one-night stands and casual encounters are well and truly over.”
“This wasn’t a one-off, then?”
Rudy smiled and landed back on top of Trevor. “I bloody well hope not. A whole headful of lustful ideas popped into my dreams during the night and I want to try them all out with you. Are you up for the challenge, Mr McTavish?”
A laughing Trevor lifted his groin to meet Rudy’s.
“Permanently up around you.”
“Trev,” said Rudy softly, his smiling face hovering over Trevor’s. “You are a truly beautiful man. And Karl’s all kinds of an idiot for letting you go.”
“Karl was being honest with himself. And me. I can’t fault him for that.”
Rudy moved back to lying next to Trevor but took his hand in his own and heaved out a huge sigh.
“You see, I don’t get how someone could be in a gay relationship with another man one day, sharing the same bed and having sex—you did have sex with him, didn’t you?”
“Of course we did. Not the best sex, but—”
“But then one day he just decides to switch lanes. Did you ever notice him eyeing up women?”
“Never. He may have his faults, Rudy—we all do—but he did not have a wandering eye. And I know what I’m talking about because I’ve watched a couple of our gay and straight male friends who are total players. Karl is not like that. He’s inherently faithful.” Trevor wondered how easily Karl had transferred that loyalty to Mary.
“Faithful but blind,” said Rudy. “Because he clearly didn’t realise what he had in you. Did he ever reciprocate with the blow jobs?”
“Not really his thing.”
“But he must have got hard when he thought about having sex with you?”
“Of course. Look, the way I rationalise Karl is that if a tiny percentage of straight men have latent homosexual desires, then it only follows that some gay men have heterosexual ones. Maybe that makes them bisexual. I’m no expert. Of course, there are also those men whose only concern is getting off. The type who could just as easily get turned on fantasising about a piece of fruit or livestock. I like to think Karl was not the latter.”
Rudy snorted, but wasn’t letting up.
“And you never noticed anything strange when you were with him?”
“Like what? Chickens running scared in the backyard?”
This time, Rudy laughed aloud. “Come on, Trev. You know what I mean?”
“No, I didn’t. Honestly. If it makes a difference, though, I was a late bloomer and Karl was my first crush.”
Rudy stared at the ceiling, deep in thought, until Trevor disturbed him with another kiss.
“Come on,” said Trevor. “We should get up and shower. It’s Christmas morning. Look, Rudy—and I’m being serious now. What do you want to tell my friends? I’m happy to pretend you just crashed in here last night because you couldn’t get home. That’s not strictly a lie. If you’d rather people didn’t know we slept together—”
