Page 10 of Beyond Repair: Part Two
Chapter 6
Nina
Wrapped in my mother's embrace, my mind feels free to ask me the hard questions. After almost thirty-six hours in the hospital, I might be coming to terms with the fact that I've been pushing the guys away.
A few of my old therapists would tell me it's a form of self-preservation to hurt myself before they can hurt me. Self-inflicted pain seems easier than waiting for the other shoe to drop. And by shoe, I mean me. If the four of them knew what was going on in my head, they would drop me so fast...
I've been dropped and shattered so many times, I really don't want to do it again. So I'd rather pry myself from their fingers and clatter to the ground as gently as possible all on my own.
The only way I can think to make this all hurt less is to allow myself to drown in my trauma. At least while I'm under the surface, I can't hear the painful things being said about me. One time was too many.She's not okay, Trevor had said, and he couldn't have been more right.
I feel like I'm even more messed up than I was a month ago. Gosh, a month ago I was smiling and throwing a ball around in the backyard with Kai.
Now when I go home on Monday, I'll have totake it easy, rest as much as possible, and monitor for any additional symptoms, is what the doctor prescribed as long as the next few days go fine.
The guys are going to move back home, I'm sure, especially now I'm basically a couch potato for the foreseeable future. They uprooted their lives for me, and now I've become even less than they started with four months ago.
So,yes, I've decided, it's best if I gently nudge them away. Pretty soon, they'll get the hint that my silence and avoidant behavior won't change. It can't change.
"Will they forgive me?" My whispered words brush my mom's hair against her shoulder.
Trailing a finger down my nose, she stays quiet for a moment. My eyes flutter shut in preparation for the truth I know she's about to give me. "You know what I'm going to say, sweet Nina." I frown and eye her speculatively. "You need to let them in."
I glance at the door behind her, but she tuts and pokes my nose. "Not the door, silly. You fell in love with them all over again, and them you. That doesn't just go away because you're afraid to look them in the eye and show them your scattered pieces."
"Shattered, Mom. Nobody wants a broken girl."
"Hmm," she hums, her face full of love and understanding. Never once has she denied my claims of being broken like all the therapists did. This is my reality, and she respects me enough to try to truly grasp my viewpoint on my trauma. "Last I knew, they did."
I lean back a little to look at her more clearly. "What?"I think I forgot what I had just said.
"Last I knew, saw, heard, what have you, those boys most definitely want you. Broken, scattered pieces and all."
Just as her words sink into my aching brain, Dad comes tripping into the room while grumbling under his breath. "Damn kids. Get them a chair and they lay on the ground..."
"Who's on the ground, Will?" Mom calls over her shoulder without taking her serious gaze off of me.
Dad closes the white door behind him and picks something off his T-shirt. "Ridge. Idiot is slumped against the wall. Damn near gave me a heart attack when he jumped awake and grabbed my leg."
"Why did he grab your leg?"
I narrow my eyes at my mom.What's she playing at?
"Oh, the usual." Dad waves an arm, distracted with a bag of takeout. "Begging to know if Nina's okay. Didn't want to disturb you two. Anyway, after Adam and I mowed your lawn, Nina, we grabbed some sub sandwiches. Are you hungry?"
Mom is up and out of my bed so fast it makes my head spin. While she'soo'ingandahh'ing,I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what my dad's talking about. "Who's Adam?"
They trade a worried glance, so I sit up and try to rub the sleep from my eyes. Dad walks toward me slowly and sits beside my hip. "Adam's my friend from college. I told you about him yesterday, but that was right before you fell back asleep."
"Oh." I did feel incredibly tired yesterday.
"It's okay, sweetheart," Dad coos, and kisses the back of my heavy hand. "You had just finished making your statement. Your rest takes priority over details."
It dawns on me. "Ohh. I'm sorry, Dad. My brain was fried, and I was...was struggling after the statement thing."
God, all I wanted before, during, and after I talked to the nice police lady officer was for the guys to surround me. I so badly wanted Trevor to coddle me while Henry held me tight. Kaicould have talked to me about anything and his voice would have soothed me. Ridge's random touches on my feet or neck would have been perfect too, but I held myself back from them.
"No apologizing, Nina."
Mom nods, agreeing with my dad. In between bites of her sandwich, she tells me all about the wild things Dad and Adam got up to in college. To my complete shock, Mom actually had a crush on Adam before she met my dad. She's never once talked about any other man.
I listen, enraptured by another piece of their story. Hitting the pause button on my own is just a bonus. I'll gladly live vicariously through my parents’ party years because goodness knows I'll never know a life like theirs.
