She flinched.
Man, he hadn’t meant to sound so harsh. But the honesty, now stirred, kept on gushing out. “But I’m in no way able to give advice on how to move on or move forward or whatever the correct term is. I’ve got nothing, Sar. I honestly can’t even think about it without tearing up.”
He winced. He hadn’t meant that to slip out. But exposing his vulnerability stirred further honesty. “I don’t want to tell others about this, because that means talking about it, and I have no words to say. I’ve got no answers for myself let alone anyone else. Maybe you’re a better Christian than me, but I can’t just let it go. Not yet.”
She lowered her head.
His chest panged. He was such a crap husband sometimes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound angry.”
Except part of him really was. He was angry at people feeling they had the right to comment on their lives, to pass judgement on Sarah. How dare people do that? But deeper than that, he was also angry at God for allowing this to happen. He was even a little bit angry with Sarah for obviously not caring about the miscarriage as much as he did. Maybe the baby wasn’t a ‘real’ baby in anyone else’s eyes, but he felt the loss.
She pressed her lips together, then drew close. “I’m not a better Christian than you,” she whispered.
Oh, she was. Way better. Still, this crap husband knew the right words to say. “I’m sorry for saying that.”
“I forgive you,” she whispered.
The room drew quiet again, the moment of tension cooling like the remains of their meal.
She propped her head in her hand, weariness etched in her features. “So are you saying you don’t want to return to the city?”
He sighed. “Honestly? What difference will me playing in a game or two make? Not much. The results don’t matter, seeing we’re out of the playoffs now.”
Her forehead pleated. “I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “It’s not your fault. I would’ve made the same decision a million times over.”
She moved around to his side of the table, and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressed her face into his jaw. “I love you.”
“I love you,” he said automatically.
He did. And loving this woman meant acknowledging when she was right. Like now. Because shewasright. He needed to return, they couldn’t hide in Muskoka forever.
He sighed. Maybe it was time they returned to face the music.
CHAPTER5
“You’ll be pleased to know that everything is looking as best as can be expected.”
Sarah nodded, then asked the question she wished Dan was here to hear. “Um, so when do you think we can try again?”
Dr. McKinnon frowned. “Like the previous two times, you need to give your body time to heal. I’d advise that you wait until at least your next cycle before you resume intimacy again.”
She withheld a sigh. “Thank you.”
Dan’s patience was one of the things she loved about him, but he’d chafed at the doctor’s restrictions last time. Mind you, the way she was feeling right now, she’d be happy to put off anything like that for months. The distance between them was growing. He had optional training yesterday, which seemed pointless with only two games to go, but when she’d tried to tease him about that he’d simply frowned at her then opted to go anyway. Then he had an away game this afternoon, which meant he wouldn’t return until much later tonight. Things between them felt so strained.
“And don’t be surprised if there is more spotting over the next week or so. Ideally, you want to allow as much time as possible before engaging in such encounters. Allow your body the time it needs.”
She nodded.
“But Sarah.”
Oh. A ‘but’ was never good.
“Seeing as you now have had three miscarriages in a row, we need to do some genetic tests. The testing of the tissue was inconclusive, so we’ll need to do some blood tests on you and Dan to check for genetic conditions that might be causing miscarriages.”
Fear clanged across her chest like a loud gong. Genetic conditions? “What do you mean?”
