He set me down and cupped my cheeks, ignoring Pookie who was skittering around, squealing. “Are you well?”
I shook my head.
His eyes widened and Mindy started to frantically pat me. “Where? Where are you injured, Mate?”
“Why did you save me?”
“What?”
“Why the hell did you save me?” I demanded. “I didn’t ask to be saved.”
“I don’t understand. Was I to leave you in the snow?”
I didn’t know how to respond, so I shook my head again.
Serlotminden pointed to the door that didn’t completely muffle the sound of the raging wind and asked in a cracked voice, “Did you try to harm yourself? Why would you do that?”
“You shouldn’t have saved me. I don’t deserve it.”
“Answer me, Bartholomew.” He grabbed my biceps, tears gathering in his eyes. “Did you try to harm yourself?”
“No.”
“Then why were you outside in that storm?” When I didn’t respond, his grip tightened. “Talk to me. I need you to speak. Why? Why would you risk yourself?”
“I told you everything.”
“What?”
“I told you everything.”
“We talked about this last night.” Serlotminden pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m right here. I will always be right here.”
But he wouldn’t be. It wasn’t possible. I shoved him back. “Stop lying.”
“I’m not.”
“You are,” I snapped, breaking. Tears coursed down my cheeks and shivers wracked my body. “You are lying. You have to be. You can’t be fine with it. I killed people, Serlotminden. I killed so many people. Their burnt bodies and their screams will never stop haunting me.” I gripped the front of my shirt over my heart. “I hear them demanding why they’re dead and I’m still here. How can you be alright with that?”
Mindy tried to reach for me, but I slapped his hands away. He said, “It wasn’t your fault.”
“It was.” It was my fault. I could have said no. I could have fought. I could have not locked the damn bolt, but I had every damn time, to save my own skin. They were dead, and I was alive. The stench of burning flesh filled my nose and the lowbangs mixed with screams filled my ears. My stomach climbed my throat, and I swallowed, trying to keep it down, but it refused to be contained. I dropped to my knees. Bile burned my throat and tears dripped down my nose.
A hand rubbed my back, and I didn’t have the strength to force Serlotminden away. Shivering, I kneeled on the freezing floor, unable to move. Gentle kisses rained down on the nape of my neck and soft hands stroked my arms, sending tremors down my spine. Slowly, Mindy settled me on his lap, tucking my head against his shoulder. Pookie pressed against me with loud snorts.
“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispered. “You are not to blame.”
“Then why do I feel so guilty?”
“Because you survived.” He dragged his claws over the back of my head. “I’m not a professional, Flower, but you survived something horrific and it left wounds behind. You need to heal.”
Tears slid down my cheeks, and Mindy brushed them away.
“I wish I had the power to take away your guilt, but I don’t.” Serlotminden lifted my chin. “What I can tell you is: I will never leave you.” I tried to shake my head, but he didn’t let me. “So please don’t leave me, Mate. Please. I need you.”
I closed my eyes. I felt beyond guilty for what I did on Xome, but I could try to let it go, couldn’t I? I didn’t know.
“Please, Teddy. My Flower.”
