Page 52 of Heidi Lucy Loses Her Mind
And then I gasp as he moves, quicker than I can process, his hand curling around the back of my neck as his lips slam into mine.
They move furiously, hungrily, and I gasp again, completely overwhelmed. I push frantically against his shoulders, and he backs away immediately, like my touch has electrocuted him; his breath is rapid, his eyes wide.
He stands up so suddenly his chair clatters backward, but he doesn’t seem to notice. I barely do either; my mind is reeling, a cyclone of competing thoughts and words and feelings.
“I’m so sorry,” Soren gasps, his gaze wild, darting this way and that like he’s hunting for an exit. His ice cream cone is hanging limply from one hand, dripping in giant caramel globs onto the stone. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. You weren’t—you didn’t—you didn’t want that.” He swallows. “I’m so, so sorry. I lost my head for a second.” His eyes finally meet mine. “I’m gonna go. I need to go.”
“I—okay—” I stutter, flustered by the kiss and even more so by his reaction.
“I’ll talk to you later,” he mutters. And then, without another word, he hurries away, practically running. I watch as he crosses the square and rounds my building, heading to the lot where his car is parked, and I’m left wondering what onearthjust happened.
When I lick my lips, they taste like salted caramel.
13
IN WHICH SOREN MAKES A PROMISE
Heidi texts me while I’m driving home, and I read it once I’ve pulled into my driveway and parked.
Don’t feel bad,the text says.You stopped as soon as I told you to. Plus I was licking you. I’m not mad, and you didn’t do anything wrong.
I let my head drop forward onto the steering wheel, gripping it tightly and then letting my hands relax again. Her words ease some of the churning in my gut, but not all of it. I get out of the car and march myself inside, where I hop straight into an ice-cold shower.
I stand under the cascade for a long, long time. I stand there until my hair is drenched and there’s water in my eyes and the message is drilled firmly into my mind:You cannot kiss women who do not want to be kissed.
I know that. Of course I know that. I’ve always known that.
I just…snapped. I could feel her tongue tracing my lips with a boldness I never expected, and I guess it made me bold, too.
“All right,” I say under my breath, finally turning the water warmer. “No more boldness. Let her make the first move, or at least ask permission before you do anything else. Don’t assume you’re picking up the right signals.” It’s all I can do. Strangely enough, I’m not even embarrassed; I just feel bad.
I wash quickly, probably not giving my hair the attention it requires before shutting the water off again. Then I climb out of the shower and dry off, looking around my bathroom. The clawfoot tub is still in the corner, and I can imagine exactly where that big black Poodle was sniffing around all those years ago. I shake my head and then head out to the bedroom to get changed. Usually I would do something with my hair—dry it, or at least throw it up into a bun—but right now I leave it. I’m too preoccupied to worry about that. I flop down onto my bed instead, staring at the ceiling as I feel my wet hair slowly turn my pillow damp.
What is this going to do to our relationship? I know Heidi said she wasn’t mad, but what if she was lying? Are things going to be weird?
I alternate between looking at my phone and then at the ceiling, going back and forth and back and forth. Should I call her? Should I not? Since when have I been this bad at interacting with women? Since when have I been this clueless?
When my phone rings a few moments later, I’m so startled that I jump and drop it right on my face.
“Ow,” I groan, rubbing my nose. When I pick the phone up and see that it’s Heidi, however, I sit upright, my throbbing nose forgotten.
I stare at her name on the screen for a few seconds before I finally have the courage to answer.
“Hi,” I say, the greeting heavy on my tongue.
“Look, Soren, I’m not mad, okay?” Her voice comes in a burst of sound, her words spilling into the silence. “I’m not mad.”
“Maybe you should be,” I say, rubbing my hand down my face. “I’m so sorry, Heidi. I have no excuse. I’m so, so—”
“Stop apologizing,” she says, and I’m surprised to hear that she sounds…frustrated. Irritable. “I’m the one who was licking you.Ishould apologize. I don’t know what came over me.” She sighs, a staticky rush.
“Yeah,” I say, my heart thudding. “But I liked it.” My voice cracks at the admission, my cheeks heating. “That’s the difference. I liked it; I wanted it. You didn’t. So…I’m sorry. And”—I swallow, forcing myself to go on—“I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore. I can write somewhere else if you need me to. For a while or forever, your call. Just let me know.”
There’s silence for a few beats, and then Heidi speaks. “What do you mean, you’ll write somewhere else?”
I hold back the sigh that’s trying to escape, my heart sinking in my chest. I don’t want to go anywhere but Paper Patisserie. I want to see her every day. But she might need space. “I mean I can work from home if you want,” I say. “Or there are a few other cafés in town. If you feel weird or uncomfortable or—”
“Stop it,” she snaps, cutting me off. “Just—stop it. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I don’t feel weird or uncomfortable, and I don’t want you to write anywhere else but at my shop, okay?” I can hear her breathing, heavy and loud. “You’re mine, all right? Don’t go to a different café.”
