Page 81 of City of Love
It takes me a second to comprehend that there are tears stinging my eyes. I’m crying.Crying. I haven’t cried in…well, years. Many, many years.
Because this letter doesn’t feel like a see-you-later letter, even though she says it is. It feels like a goodbye. I can see a few smudged spots where it looks like tears have fallen, and that breaks my heart even more.
I swipe fiercely at my eyes, thinking. If I go to Lydia now, I’ll be claiming her—all of her. I’ll be telling her that I can’t live without her, that I’m falling in love with her, too. And if I can’t make that kind of claim, or if I’m going to take it back in the future, then I shouldn’t go at all.
But nothing has changed. I’m still the same man—the one with an outstanding debt to adangerous gang, the one with one foot firmly planted in the criminal world.
And I can’t do that to her. She may think she wants me now, but she would change her mind. Because she needs someone infinitely more than me.Betterthan me. I won’t let her settle.
And that means living without her completely.
Everything inside me falls, and somewhere deep, deep down, my heart shatters beyond all possible repair. I embrace the pain, craving its sting, because I know it’s the exact same pain I put her through.
And I deserve that.
Chapter 26
Noel
Vic, Gabin, Tom, and Luc all show up at my flat the next day. Luc glares at me until he looks more closely. I assume he’s seeing the bags under my eyes, the fall of my shoulders, the pain I’m not hiding very well, because his expression clears and then morphs into a sympathetic grimace. He claps me once on the shoulder—maybe a little harder than he normally would—but doesn’t say anything as he steps inside.
I told him to get in touch with everyone, but we had no concrete plans to meet, so I’m surprised to see them here. I don’t wait for them to make themselves comfortable; I just slump onto the couch.
There’s silence for a second, and then Vic speaks.
“You look terrible,” he says, his brows furrowed.
Normally I would have a retort or rebuke ready for a comment like that, but I can’t bring myself to say anything. He’s right, anyway. I know I look bad. I feel even worse.
Every conscious minute is a struggle to keep myself from barging over to Mlle Hilliard’s. Lydia said she wanted space; she said she needed time. I can’t give her anything else, so I have to give her that.
“What do you guys need?” I say instead of responding to Vic. I look at Luc. “I don’t know anything about the job yet. Comtois just said it was a residential grab. I told him once it was done that we were out of the game—”
“That’s actually what we wanted to talk about,” Vic says, rubbing the back of his neck.
I raise an eyebrow at him, and he flashes me an apologetic look for interrupting.
“Sorry. But Noel, we don’twantto be out of the game.”
Silence blankets the room at this pronouncement of Vic’s, although Tom and Gabin both nod, apparently agreeing with Vic.
“Explain,” I finally say, frowning.
Vic continues to rub the back of his neck. He glances at Tom and Gabin, who give him encouraging nods, before he looks back to me.
“We don’t want out,” he says again, finally finding his voice. “This is important to us, Noel. We’re keeping the shelter alive. They’re going to struggle without us.”
“I know,” I say uncomfortably. “But this has gone too far. It’s out of control.”
“It’s gone too far foryou,” Vic says, and though his voice is respectful, his face is determined. “Luc said you have some girl issues”—I cut Luc a glare, and he has the good sense to look chagrined—“butwedon’t. We need to be helping, Noel. And this is the only way we know how.”
I can’t help but imagine the rant Lydia would go on right about now—and how correct she would be. But those thoughts hurt, so I push them away, shaking my head.
“No,” I say firmly. “This isn’t good for us.”
“It’s not good for you, maybe. But you can’t decide what’s good for them, Noel,” Luc says gently.
My mind stutters in place for a second as his words hit me like the slap Lydia delivered when she first found out I’d been lying to her for years.
