Page 80 of City of Love
I know exactly what I did, exactly why she didn’t tell me. I was too busy telling her we can’t be romantically involved. My stomach turns over.
“She seemed excited to tell you,” Luc says. “She said you were going to be proud of her.”
The knife plunges even deeper into my chest as I picture Lydia, waiting to celebrate something that to her was an incredible feat of courage, only to be crushed by someone she trusted.
And shewascrushed. She nodded, smiled, told me she understood, but I didn’t miss the break in her voice or the sheen of unshed tears in her eyes.
But Luc isn’t done talking, and it just gets worse. “She was cute. She was so proud of herself, and she deserved to be. So if you screwed her up…”
Bile rises in the back of my throat as he trails off. “What else did she say?” I ask, because I’m a glutton for punishment.
“She was singing your praises. She said she was lucky to have you, you idiot. And she said you had made her realize that Marcus was wrong when he said no one but him would ever want her—”
But Luc breaks off when a very loud, very foul curse slips out of my mouth. He lets out a surprised laugh, but I’m not listening.
Because Marcus told Lydia no one but him would ever want her. She was afraid of him, afraid to turn him in. But she worked up the courage, possibly after we’d kissed.
Only I…I took my affections back. I told her they were a mistake.
And what else would she have thought? How else would she have interpreted my actions? I all but confirmed what Marcus told her, because I as good as told her I didn’t want her.
She thinks I don’t want her.
It’s suddenly difficult to breathe; I’m pulling in oxygen, but it’s not enough. There’s a searing pain ripping through my chest, and I think it’s my heart trying to get to Lydia.
What have I done? What have I done to her—to this woman I would die for? What have I made her believe about herself?
“Luc, I have to go,” I say, barely paying any attention to my words. Then, remembering, I add, “Oh, but there’s something we have to talk about. Comtois came to the bar last night. He wants us to do one final job for them. Get in touch with the guys if you can. I’ll call later, okay?”
I hang up before he can respond or protest, grateful that Luc isn’t the kind of guy to get offended by that kind of thing. I rush out of Lydia’s room—Lydia’s old room,I think, swallowing hard—and back to my own, grabbing my wallet and then glancing around. I hardly know what I’m doing; all I know is that Lydia is out there somewhere, thinking I don’t want her. And that?
That is unacceptable.
I know what I am; I know who I’ve been. I don’t know how to change, but for Lydia, I’ll try. And if my past comes knocking, I’ll protect her, if she’ll let me.
I’m just about to leave the room when my mom comes back.
“Here,” she says, holding out a neatly folded piece of paper. “She gave me this to give to you.”
My eyes widen, and I take the paper from her hand with a wave of thanks. Then, once she’s gone and I’m alone again, I sink onto the bed.
It’s from Lydia. I know her handwriting. I begin reading—afraid of what I’ll find but even more afraid of finding nothing.
Noel,
It’s time for me to go. I’m not sure I can take two more weeks here, and especially not in this frame of mind. I need to be on my own for a bit. Because the truth is, Noel, I’m falling in love with you. I know you don’t feel the same way—
But Idofeel the same way. I can’t help but feel the same way.
—and I don’t hold that against you. I just need some time to let those feelings die. Please don’t feel bad or guilty. We’ll write again someday, but not yet, okay? Give me some time to pick up the pieces. Until then, stay out of trouble, and go back to school. And please, Noel, for me: try not to shut people out. I know relationships scare you, and I know you’re tempted to push people away so that they won’t get the chance to do the same to you. But just try, okay? Because I want you to be happy.
Also, I reported Marcus to Mlle Hilliard. It was scary, but it felt really good. I finally decided not to let Marcus hold me captive in my own mind anymore, and you helped me get there, so thank you. I’m proud of myself, and I know you’ll be proud of me too.
I’m sure someday we’ll see each other again.
Love,
Lydia
