Page 82 of Knot Gonna Give You Up
Footsteps get closer, then break apart. One set goes toward the house, and I hear the door open and shut. The other set turns into a body that’s climbing into my truck bed. There’s a shift in the balance of the truck as the person sits down on the other side of the bed. It’s silent for longer than I anticipate it being, so I turn my head toward my companion.
Jesse’s sitting with his forearms on his knees, looking at me. Frowning, I pull my head up and brace myself for the small head rush of having my head leaned back for so long. Neither of us says anything for a few moments, we just look each other over. Not quite sizing each other up, but assessing how the other is looking. I have a feeling Jesse wins in the battle of looking like he has his life together.
“What’s up?” I finally ask.
“Vic needed to grab some stuff. We saw you sitting here, so I figured I’d come sit with you.”
My brows draw into a frown. “You don’t like interacting with people.”
“I’m workin’ on it,” he shrugs, “it’s getting easier with Pack.”
“Must be nice,” I mutter before taking a swig of beer.
Jesse whistles, like he’s just seen something unexpected.
“That’s some top-notch wallowing you got goin’ on there,” he comments.
I scoff, “Is it wallowing if it’s your life? I fucked it all up again and there’s nobody else to blame.”
“Again? I thought your Pack trauma dumped you, not the other way around.”
“They did, but there was clearly something wrong with me for them to do that,” I sigh.
“Jesus, dude, you’re more emo than My Chemical Romance back in the day.”
I’ve never listened to the band, but his comment isn’t wrong, and all I can think of now is pulling my hair over one eye and getting some black eyeliner. Which then triggers the laugh. Jesse chuckles a little before we both sober up again.
“Can I tell you something?” I ask.
“Yeah, sure, not like I got friends to gossip with. On purpose.”
I look away for a moment before meeting his eyes again, “I feel like I already failed Josie and the Pack by going into rut. My dumb ass walked out on her heat, then went into rut and beat the shit out of Vic.”
“From what I heard, he got a few licks in and took you down.”
“Thankfully,” I agree.
“Why do you feel like going into rut is bad?” Jesse asks with an open expression.
“I don’t like feeling out of control, and I especially don’t likebeingout of control. Since I wasn’t there for her heat, I had no reason to go into rut. No real reason, and massive amounts of being out of control. What if I had seriously injured Vic? What if it happens again and I hurt Josie?”
Jesse smiles, “What if Josie lets you fuck it out of your system?”
I blink dumbly at him, startled into silence by the question.
“I mean it, what if she did? What if Vic did? What if you let the Pack be there for you instead of assuming you did anything wrong? Going into rut isn’t shameful, Simon, it’s biology,” Jesse says.
“I pushed her away. What if she doesn’t let me try again?” I try another argument.
Jesse smirks, “You know what I’m going to say, right?”
Sighing like a petulant child, I admit, “What if she does?”
“Exactly! Now before you can overthink shit again, get in that house and make up with your man. He’s almost as mopey as your ass when he thinks nobody is looking. He misses you.”
“You’re surprisingly observant,” I comment.
“If you tell anyone about that, I’ll deny it,” Jesse jokes.
