Page 77 of Wisteria and Cloves
I hadn't considered it that way, but he was right. Even something as simple as choosing my favorite ice cream flavor felt like a small act of rebellion against years of rigid control.
"I suppose I am," I admitted, licking the spoon with uncharacteristic boldness. The gesture felt almost scandalous after years of being told to eat "like a lady," but the men around me seemed to find it endearing rather than improper.
"Good," Nicolaus said firmly, closing his tablet with a decisive click. "Learning to pursue pleasure without shame is an important part of healing."
Miles nodded in agreement, finishing his own ice cream. "Your preferences matter, Lilianna. They're part of who you are."
As the evening wound down, I found myself growing drowsy despite my earlier anxiety about starting the new medication. The weighted blanket had left me more relaxed than usual, and the comfort of the scented items waiting in my nest made the prospect of sleep appealing rather than daunting.
"I think I'll head up to bed," I announced, stifling a small yawn.
"I'll walk you up," Julian said, standing to clear his empty bowl. "Just to make sure you have everything you need for the night."
I nodded, grateful for his thoughtfulness. The others murmured their goodnights, Christopher reminding me to call if I needed anything during the night, while Nicolaus mentioned he'd check on me in the morning to see how I was adjusting to the new medication.
As Julian and I climbed the stairs together, I felt a flutter of nervous anticipation about spending my first night in the properly arranged nest. The scented items waiting for me felt like promises of comfort, but also reminders of how much my life was changing.
"Are you nervous?" Julian asked softly as we reached my door.
"A little," I admitted, my hand on the doorknob. "Not about the medication, exactly. More about... what comes next. What I might discover about myself without something suppressing me.”
Julian's expression grew tender, his hazel eyes reflecting understanding. "Change can be frightening, even when it's positive change. But remember—whatever you discover about yourself, it's still you. Just... more fully yourself than you've been allowed to be before."
He paused, seeming to weigh his words carefully. "And you don't have to navigate any of it alone. We're here for whatever comes—the good days, the difficult ones, the confusing moments when you don't know what you're feeling or why."
I felt my throat tighten with emotion at his reassurance. "What if I become someone you don't like? What if the real me, without all the suppression, is too much?"
Julian stepped closer, his voice dropping to a gentle murmur. "Lilianna, we already care about you. Not some idealized version, not who we think you should be.” His eyes flicker to my lips and I felt myself freeze.
"We care about you, exactly as you are right now, and we'll care about whoever you become as you heal and grow." His gaze lingered on my face, and I felt my breath catch as something shifted in the air between us. "You could never be too much for us."
The intensity in his voice made my knees weak, and I found myself swaying slightly toward him before catching myself. The movement was so subtle I wasn't sure he'd noticed, but the way his eyes darkened suggested he had.
"Julian," I whispered, not sure what I was asking for but knowing I wanted something I couldn't name.
He lifted his hand slowly, giving me time to pull away, before his fingers brushed against my cheek with feather-lightgentleness. "You're beautiful, Lilianna. Not just your appearance—though you are stunning—but your courage, your curiosity, your capacity for growth despite everything you've endured." His thumb traced along my cheekbone, and I leaned into the touch without conscious thought. "Getting to witness you discover who you really are... it's a privilege."
My heart hammered against my ribs as I gazed up at him, mesmerized by the warmth in his hazel eyes. No one had ever looked at me the way Julian was looking at me now—like I was precious, desired, worthy of tenderness. The medication might not have started working yet, but something was definitely shifting inside me, a flutter of want I'd never experienced before.
"I should let you get some rest," Julian said softly, though he made no move to step away. His hand remained cupped against my cheek, his thumb still tracing gentle patterns across my skin.
"Should you?" I asked, the words slipping out before I could stop them. My boldness surprised us both,
Julian's eyes darkened, his pupils dilating as his gaze dropped to my lips again. "No," he admitted, his voice rougher than I'd ever heard it. "But I want to respect your boundaries. Especially tonight, when you're starting a new medication and facing so many changes."
I swallowed, gathering courage I didn't know I possessed. "What if my boundary is that I want you to kiss me?"
The words hung between us, my heart thundering so loudly I was certain he could hear it. Julian went very still, his breath catching audibly.
"Are you sure?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don't want you to feel any pressure."
"I'm sure," I whispered back, surprised by my own certainty. "I've never been kissed before. Not really. Not by someone I chose."
Something fierce and protective flashed in Julian's eyes at my admission. His hand slid from my cheek to cup the back of my neck, fingers threading gently through my hair.
"Then I want to make it perfect for you," he murmured, leaning down slowly, giving me every opportunity to change my mind.
But I didn't want to change my mind. I tilted my face up to meet him, my eyes fluttering closed as his lips finally touched mine. The kiss was gentle, almost reverent—a soft press of warmth that sent tingles radiating through my entire body. His lips moved against mine with careful restraint, teaching rather than demanding, guiding me through this new experience with exquisite patience.
