Page 139 of Nevermore
All while her sobs wrack her body for what feels like an eternity.
Cathartic.
Therapeutic.
These sobs are healing, they’re the first step to coming back to us and if it means we lay here like this for years, I won’t fucking move because I know this is what Leonor needs and I’ll be damned if I don’t need it too.
Because my girl ishere.
Lucky kept saying that; she’s still with us.
Leo is still with us and despite how empty any promises we have made and could ever make again feel after we couldn’t save her, I know we’re going to try harder than before to make sure things change on some level.
They have to.
No one deserves to go through this much bullshit in one lifetime and while I can’t promise I won’t ever let anything happen to her again, I will do my damnedest to keep Leonor safe.
She is our beginning and end, the fucking heart and soul of us, and she deserves at least that.
Eventually, God knows how much time has passed, my girl’s breathing evens out, her tears slowly dry up, and she begins to relax as I gently rub her back.
“Are you good for right now?” Beyond that is a lot to ask all considering, but I need to make sure she let out what she had to in this moment. And when Leonor nods, I sigh. “Do you need anything?”
Leo’s grip on me tightens briefly as she shakes her head then I hear her suck in a stuttering breath as she asks, “How did you do it?”
“Do what, sweets?”
“How did you…” she pauses and I swear it’s like she’s working up the nerve to ask whatever she’s trying to ask. “You’re the only one who… who knows what it’s like to…”
Despite the extreme weight of her question, I smile into her hair. “Be suicidal? Or survive sexual assault?”
“Both,” Leo whispers. “How did you stop feeling that way? How did you stop reliving that hell over and over every time you closed your eyes?”
“I didn’t.” She scoots and tilts her head back to look up at me and I wipe the last of her tears from her cheeks. “I still have days where I question whether or not I should just… disappear for good. They don’t happen often and they usually come after a nightmare but I didn’t wake up one morning and stop feeling that way, not completely.”
“I understand that.”
“I know.” I smile down at her. “I think it’s something we’ll always have to battle, something we’ll always have to fight against since it’s rooted in things that don’t just magically go away but knowing we have an army in our corner makes a huge difference. I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t have four really amazing and very beautiful reasons to wake up every day.” Leo’s lips tip up a tiny bit as I push her hair out of her eyes. “And I felt that waybeforeI knew how I felt about everyone.”
She gives me the smallest smile as she says, “We’re all really good at living in denial.”
“Eh, maybe,” I say as I shrug one shoulder. “But you know all of that, Leo. You went through it, the same as me. You tried more times than I did and you overcame that so you already had the answer to the first question. Love and support get you through the dark days and help you overcome them. You had that from…” I stop because of what I was about to say but Leonor fills in the gap.
“I had that from Justine and Pierre.” She gives me a watery smile. “He wouldn’t want me to forget it.”
“No, he wouldn’t.”
“You’re right, though. I knew that and I guess.” Leo searches my eyes briefly, looking right into my goddamn soul. “I guess I just needed to hear it from someone I love who truly does understand it. I’ve been laying here for weeks thinking about how easy it would be, to eat a handful of pills, to do any number of things to make the pain go away, to make the fear stop ruling over my every waking moment. But like you said, I couldn’t do that because I have four reasons not to. I can’t do it to Justine, especially now. No matter how hard I tried to justify it, I couldn’t, and I think I needed to hear that from you because you’ve lived in the same circle of hell that I have.”
I lift a hand to her cheek as I smooth my thumb under her eye.
Things were a little different for us but I don’t need to explain any of that right now. I don’t have to say a damn thing other than what this incredible woman needs to hear from me because this shit isn’t about me or anyone else. It’s about Leonor.
“What about the other?”
Blowing out a rough breath, I carefully think over my words.
Because honestly, I do still have nightmares about being assaulted in prison.
