Page 85 of His Atonement
Zan's eyes never leave mine but he's mad, definitely mad, I'm just not sure if it'satme orforme. Either way, this is exactly what I figured would happen and it's exactly why I didn't want to have this talk.
"They can't put an exact timeframe to something like this because HD, just like Parkinson's or Alzheimer's or shit like it, work on their own timeline, but my doctor told me I basically needed to get my affairs in order before she offered all kinds of bullshit to make me more comfortable."
He blinks, a muscle in his jaw tightens but I don't look away. Nope, I just hold his stare and wait for whatever Zan wants to throw at me.
"How much time do you believe you have then?" he almost whispers, his gorgeous eyes still locked with mine.
I shrug. "You want my honest opinion?"
"Please," Zan says through clenched teeth.
"Probably a month before my symptoms become completely debilitating. My guess is as good as any, but judging by the way things have picked up, I'm probably going to start needing help with basic stuff in the next few weeks, maybe sooner. The photo project should be done by the weekend and it is most definitely going to be my last shoot. After that, it'll be a matter of time before I decline to the point of no going back, before I'm nothing but a thorn in everyone's side.” I smirk without any humor at all. Just a fuck load of pain. "You'll probably want to get out before then though, that way you don't end up bathing me and feeding me and shit. I wouldn't want you to—"
"Stop!" Zan slams his fist into the counter as he gets to his feet. "Fucking stop, damnit! I refuse to listen to this. I refuse to listen to this bullshit about all the ways you think you will be a burden, the ways you assume I will want to leave because of your diagnosis!"
"Won't you though, Zan? Won't you want to run as fast and as far as you can once I can't even use the bathroom on my own? When I won't be able to carry on a conversation or even recognize who you are?" Now I'm angry. Not at him, but at the reality of thisthingthat is going to take him from me. "What about when I start saying horrible things to you, try to take out my rage on you or forget who you are to me and leave you with those kinds of memories? What happens when this bullshit completely changes who I am? When there is no Frankie left, only the disease? Will you really want to stand by and watch all of that? Watch me lose my physical functions completely, watch my mind slip away completely? What happens then?"
“Nothing." He sighs as he moves around the counter, and pulls me to him despite the way I fight. "Nothing happens except me being here with you through all of it. I will not allow you to go through it alone, will not allow myself to miss one second that could be spent with you. I will never leave you, my darling girl, nothing will change that or my undying love for you."
"Zan, baby, I don't want to go out like that.” I sob into his chest. "I don't want you or anyone else to see me that way; I don't want to be remembered that way."
"Which is why you have resolved not to be.” He strokes my hair and holds me tight. "You want to do this on your terms and no one else's, yes?"
I bury my face in his chest and breathe in the spicy scent of his skin. "Yes. I want to go out knowing that I lived every second of my life doing what I want, doing what makes me happy, and I want to do it before I'm not me anymore. If I don't do that, then this fucking disease wins and I don't want that."
Zan presses a kiss to the crown of my head and holds me even tighter. "Then we will do what needs to be done in order to make sure that does not happen."
We stay like that for a while, wrapped up in each other—silent—both of us accepting how this is going to play out.
I cry a bit longer, but not for me. No, I cry for Zan and the way I really fucked up his whole life with everything bad I've brought into it.
Eventually, I stop though, because despite it all, I don't want anything to change. I don't want to go back a couple months and reconsider moving here or any of that shit, because if I hadn't then I would never have met Zan and found my own happily ever after with a demon that pisses me off and loves me better than anyone ever has.
"Happily ever after with a demon, eh? That does not sound quite like a fairytale most would wish for."
I smile against his skin and kiss the small space empty of tattoos right over his heart. "I keep forgetting we can hear each other's thoughts from time to time, but no, I don't expect many people to have that sort of fantasy. Which is fine because it's mine. You aremyhappily ever after, Zan, and there is nothing that will ever change that."
He rests his chin on my head and kisses it again. "Can I ask another morbid question that I don't particularly want an answer to, but feel the need to ask so I may be of assistance?"
I nod and hug him as hard as I can.
"Are your affairs in order?"
"Yeah, mostly." I sigh. "Do you want to talk about it?"
“No," he grunts before he says, "Yes. I feel I should because you have had no one to discuss this with and since it is so important it may do us both some good to do so now."
"Ok, baby.” I tilt my head back, resting my chin on his chest. "You know, I love you more than anything. I really, really do."
Zan smiles down at me, a soft smile, a genuine smile full of love and hurt and even a touch of fear. "And I am forever grateful for it.” He leans down and presses a kiss to my lips then grins against them. "It is because I know how much you love me as well as my unconditional and undying love for you that I am not going completely apeshit over this entire situation at the moment. I feel the way you have made peace with things just as strongly as I feel the conflict our mating has added to it. If you struggled more with the idea of…" He pauses then shakes his head. "If you were not feeling those things, I fear I would be a mess of raw emotions, and since those are still relatively uncharted territory for me, I have to take peace and strength from you and use it so that I may be everything you deserve as we navigate this together."
"Good, because one thing I want you to know, the only thing I want you to know and never ever doubt, is the fact that I thought my life was nothing but a sad little race to the finish until I met you. You have brought me so much joy, so much love and happiness and I never want you to forget that my life didn't truly start until you were a part of it. Never forget how much I love you or the fact that you are the reason I was put on this earth."
This time when Zan kisses me, when his beautiful lips capture mine, I can feel such a strong mix of sadness and happiness I almost start crying again, but I don't. No, I don't want to cry anymore. It doesn't do either of us any good and it changes nothing. We both have to make peace with this situation because it's not going to change, the outcome is beyond inevitable. At this point, it's accepting it, making peace with it, and enjoying the time we have left before I tell Zan what my terms are—something I will save for another day—and the first step may be going over my will.
"You ready?" I ask against his lips. "If we hurry, we can go over everything and still have time to fuck in the bathtub before we need to meet Vok and Cora."
Zan chuckles, nods, then allows me to lead him back to my laptop.
