Page 56 of His Atonement
It wasn't because I was embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with him, not at all. I just didn't want to deal with Allie right then, especially after the shitty morning I had and I definitely didn't want it to ruin the fantastic night I was having. I had every intention of talking to Zan about the welcome change in our relationship, maybe try to figure out what it meant moving forward and then I was going to tell Allie the next day.
But Zan didn't give me the chance.
I saw him briefly the next morning at breakfast, a quick glimpse as he disappeared into the pantry to go back toward his dungeon room, but I didn't miss the ice in his stare, the cold hard resolution and disgust, the sliver of hurt that lingered.
And that sent me spiraling faster than I ever have.
I had to leave before I got a chance to eat because the jerking in my arms started and I lost my balance twice, then I started picking apart the food as it was being made and somehow convinced myself Janet was trying to poison me because she put mushrooms in the omelettes and berries in the fruit salad.
By the time I got home I was a fucking disaster, crying and laughing uncontrollably. Then I had auditory hallucinations for about two hours, swore I could hear Zan and Allie talking about me, him telling her how much he hates me and how he can't wait for me to finally die. And of course I heard Allie agree profusely and say she wished I'd just hurry up and plan when and how I was going to kill myself so they didn't have to deal with me anymore.
I had a panic attack then, a full blown panic attack that left me totally paralyzed by fear and pain, so much hurt I couldn't really begin to understand it—and of course, dystonia.
At that point my mind turned on me so fast, so hard that as soon as I could move, I dragged myself to the bathroom and cut for way longer than I have in years and I was so depressed it cancelled my OCD. I didn't have the desire to clean up the mess, just left the blood on the floor.
It's still there, as a matter of fact, because that depression hasn't left me for a minimum of forty-eight hours.
And even after the shit show the last few days have been, that depression isn't a result of my symptoms, not now. Nope. It's the lack of Zan that has me sadder than I can remember ever being, and that's how I came to a startling and rather unexpected conclusion about the asshole that's been torturing me in more than one way.
Allie came this morning and practically threw me out of bed, forced me to shower and get dressed then pick something on my bucket list I wanted to do to get out of thisrut.
She thinks I'm still sad over Granny and though I miss her, she has nothing to do with anything going on with me.
It's my disease that is progressing faster than I'd like.
It's the fact that I'm slipping in all aspects of who I am.
It's the fact that I haven't seen Zan and feel totally heartbroken over it.
Nope, Granny doesn't even make the list compared to everything else on it.
"Shouldn't you be excited about this?" Allie glances at me from the driver’s seat, one brow raised. "I mean, this is something you've wanted to do forever and couldn't because of Granny's allergies. Now you can actually do it and you're acting like I'm driving you to another funeral. And you look like total shit."
“Thanks." I roll my eyes and watch the scenery change as we get closer to town.
I don't know why this was what I decided to do. I could have told Allie my list was done or I decided to stop doing it. Hell, I probably could have told her some super easy, quick bullshit item that wasn't actually on my list to get things over with faster, but I didn't.
Nope, I told Allie we should go to the animal shelter so I could adopt a fucking rescue animal.
And that shit means I'm going to have to revise my will and make sure whatever animal unlucky enough to go home with me is left in good hands when I do decide to kill myself, cause yeah, the auditory hallucinations made me realize that's the way to go, the way I have to go so I still have a little control over my life.
I don't want to succumb to my disease anymore, let it progress to a point that totally consumes me, a point that makes me, as well as everyone else, forget who I really am, that makes me totally dependent on someone else. Nope, I want control over when and how I go because I am not going to go out like that. No fucking way.
I'm a real ray of fucking sunshine today.
"I know you miss Granny, Frank. I miss her too, but you need to move on from that part of your life. Let Granny go, embrace the fact that she's with Gramps and Dad, Uncle Pete and Aunt Louise. They're all together and happy, watching over us with smiles. It's ok to miss her, especially after the last five years, but you can't let it stop you from living your life now. You're still so young, have so much—"
"Allie, just fucking stop, ok?” I snap as she parks the truck. ”You don't get to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, how I should or shouldn't feel, and you sure as hell don't get to tell me how to move forward when you have no fucking clue what life has been like for me the last twenty years."
Allie immediately purses her lips, and looks out the windshield as her eyes well with tears.
And I fucking crumble because despite everything, I should not be treating her this way.
"Look, Al, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you and I shouldn't talk to you like that. Neither one of us have had it easy in a really long time, but that doesn't give me the right to shit all over you.” I push my hair out of my eyes and slump against my seat. "I miss Granny but that's not why I've been in a rut, why I've been such a bitch."
She swipes at a tear as she turns to me. "Then what is it, Frankie? What's going on with you? Why won't you talk to me about it?"
Fuck.
