Page 116 of His Atonement
That and I want to get fucking hammered and so goddamn high I can't see straight becausehe who shall not be namedwill be visiting soon and I have the sudden urge to go back on our deal.
So much so I may use his fucking name and summon him myself.
Just not here or anywhere close to here. I'll wait until I am back home before I summon that motherfucker because with him comes a whirlwind of shit the size of an F5 tornado.
No one else speaks for a long time, not until Cora gets up from the couch and waddles over to wrap me in a bone bending hug. "Are you going back to her?"
"I am.” I kiss the crown of her head. "You should try to rest, try not to worry about me. You have those precious babes to care for and they take priority over everything."
Cora sighs, and leans heavily into me. "But you're my brother and you're hurting. I can be there for you too; you're a priority to me."
Ah, my precious gem.
She knows exactly how to gut me.
"Though I greatly appreciate the thoughtfulness of your words and wish to offend no one, I'd like to be alone with my mate."
“Ok." She nods, hugging me harder. "I really loved Frankie and I'm really glad she loved you. You deserve someone like her in your life."
Hardly.
I will never be able to atone for my many sins therefore I will never deserve, never truly be worthy of Frankie, but she is mine all the same.
She always will be.
"Would it be possible for Thor to come stay with you for a while? I don't want him to have to sit in that cave with me but I do not wish for him to be alone either."
Cora nods, finally lets go of me, then pulls the tiny pig from the wrap. "Samson will love having him over." My sister tilts her head back to look up at me, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "You'll text me if you need me?"
I nod.
"For real? No 'yes of course, my gem' just to pacify me?"
I give her the best smile I can muster. "I promise I will text if I need you."
"Ok."
And with one more hug from the only person left that truly matters to me, I nod solemnly to the rest of the clan that clearly knows now is not the time to give me condolences or share my grief, then head home to grab the few things I require before joining my mate in the cave.
* * *
Hours later, well past lunchtime and possibly even past dinner, I am completely shitfaced, laying on the cold ground about a foot away from my darling girl, totally naked and mildly ripped out of my skull on poisonous plants.
"Why can't you fix this for me?" I whisper as I stretch out my arm, fingers barely an inch from my mate. "You fixes everything for me. Fix mys mobility to interreact. No, myability to interactwith the others. Fix mys prick-ish behavior. They seemed to like me after you.” I sigh, and trace the length of her arm without touching it. "Fix mys addictions and urges. You fixes mys heart, mys darling girl, so why can you not fixes this too?" A few tears slip down my cheeks and mix with the dust on the hard ground. "You even made me feel like mys had a soul when we both knew I didn't."
I grab the bottle of Grey Goose and bring it to my lips, don't bother lifting or turning my head, just pour the booze into my mouth and all over the floor.
Gods, this pain is excruciating.
Horrific and excruciating.
A pain I fear will only grow and intensify as my days wear on, as my nights become nothing more than additional hours spent without my darling mate.
There will be no sleep, no rest. There will be nothing but a torturous void that nothing can fill, a gaping hole that will eventually consume me completely.
"Oh my darling girl, I do not want to give you up."
As if my words were some kind of switch to the lightbulb that just turned on in my brain, I jolt into a seated position and rub my chest, rubbing right over where it hurts, where the most beautiful of my markings sits dead center.
