Page 115 of His Atonement

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Page 115 of His Atonement

Allie snorts through her tears and looks back at me, and still I don't look up.

"Zan and I are mates, he is the love of my life, and if you hadn't forced my ass to Ashland I never would have met him. So thank you for that, but that being said, you can't blame him for one fucking thing that's happened because I was gonna kick the bucket no matter what, you guys just made my last few months totally worth every fucked up thing I'm going to tell you." Another hard hit of her bowl then a hiss as her legs contracted tight. "Fuck. Ok, and Grace, feel free to get pissed then pat yourself on the back because you were right. Sort of. I'm not sick but I have a disease, one that's been slowly killing me for almost twenty years."

Now Grace looks back at me and fuck I wish they would stop doing that.

They will learn all they need to know from this video as well as Frankie's vlog and journal. No need to make me relive it all over again and again.

"I have Huntington's Disease. Technically it was Juvenile HD because I was officially diagnosed before I turned twenty, but since I'm an old lady now, it's just HD. And before you ask, no one knew about it except my doctors and now Zan, not even Granny."

Her symptoms started to pick up at this point and Frankie opted to stop smoking so everyone would be able to see them manifest.

Something else I don't need to see.

"Allie, I know it probably confuses you, hurts you, pisses you off even to learn I've been dealing with this totally solo for so long, but I want you to understand that was my choice. I didn't do it for any reason but a conscious decision to keep it a secret. If I'd have told anyone I would never have been able to do all the things I've done, live the amazing fucking life I did. I wouldn't have been anything more than my diagnosis and that would have meant no photography, no world travels, no magazine spreads that didn't mention HD out of pity. And it also means Granny would have mothered me to death, put her own illness aside and devoted everything she had to taking care of me, but I didn't want that. I still don't, honestly. And if you knew, Allie Rose, you never would have left California after Gramps died, probably would have never moved to Oregon in the first place and then we wouldn't have Daisy Mae or Lily Jade, you never would have found your happily ever after in Andrej, never would have found the family you did in the girls and all those big beautiful men. I'm talking to you Hank, you giant Viking stud muffin."

My voice again. "Jesus, how high are you?"

My mate giggled. "Not high enough, baby, I'm just stating facts."

"Please continue without discussing all the ways you find the other males attractive or else I may have to pause your video in order to murder them."

"Sorry." Another giggle, another kiss. "Don't worry, you are hands down the sexiest one of the whole bunch and I'm sure your dick is the biggest too."

"Much better." Another kiss. "Continue, darling."

"So anyway, if I'd have told you or anyone else about my diagnosis, both of our lives would have been completely different and I'm really glad I kept it hidden. Unfortunately, though, that wasn't going to last forever. Getting diagnosed so young meant I should have only had another ten years in me but my excessive weed smoking, cause yeah, I'm totally gonna say that made the biggest difference, gave me almost twenty. The day Granny died is when that changed, and basically my doctor told me I had maybe months before my symptoms got so out of control I'd need someone to care for me full time and I said fuck that. My symptoms have gotten really bad, really bad and it was getting harder to hide the physical ones. You've all bared witness to them actually, and a few of you have called me on it." Frankie coughs—a fake cough. "Grace. Milos." Then she laughs. "But I kept lying my ass off because I didn't want one bit of my life or anyone else's to change. I'm sure you have more questions about this since none of you have seen enough to believe my condition was as bad as I'm making it sound, but there's proof. I've documented my entire diagnosis, almost every fucking day since I was eighteen, in a journal and then a video diary. You can see the progression physically, mentally, emotionally, it's all there and honestly, Henrich and Grace, you two could watch it all and blow the whole damn medical field wide open when it comes to HD and the gold mine I have sitting on my laptop. At some point, when you're ready, Allie, you should watch it. It'll help clear things up, help everything make sense and there's a lot of footage of Granny that I know you'll appreciate. That's not what this video is about though, not now. This video is to tell you that I have Huntington's Disease, it's getting really bad, and I refuse to let it dictate one more thing in my life."

Allie starts sobbing. "Oh no..."

"This isn't Zan's fault at all and when I say what I'm about to say, I don't want you even thinking it, ok?" Frankie takes a deep breath, jerks another three sets of three then sighs. "I didn't want the disease to kill me, Al, and I definitely didn't want it to turn me into a vegetable. Which is why, in just a little while, I'm going to take my own life."

Now everyone is bawling, even most of the males are crying. Except Colt. I can feel him staring at me and fuck that. I don't want to deal with whatever he's going to send my way after this.

"It's going to be quick, painless. Nothing messy. I'm just going to go to sleep and not wake up. I made this decision long before Zan, sort of planned it before I moved to Ashland, but it was my plan and Zan is just an unfortunate forced accomplice because he loves me. My diagnosis was too far gone for mating to change it, too far gone for medications or weed to make much of a difference. It is what it is, Al, and I wanted to go out on my terms, and wanted to maintain what little control I have left. It wasn't easy to make this choice but I had to." Another three sets of three. "I can't live like this anymore and I don't want to lose who I am because of it. I love you, Allie Rose. I love you and the girls so goddamn much and I want you to make sure they know it, ok? And fuck, I really love the rest of you too. I didn't expect to gain a huge family before I kicked the bucket, didn't think you would all mean so fucking much to me, but you do. I love you all and I am super grateful for our time together."

I sigh as I scratch behind Thor's ears, act like a sap as I lean down and kiss his little piggy nose.

Gods, this hurts so goddamn much.

"I know, probably better than anyone, that Zan can be an ass, that he can be hard to handle and I know that for the most part he likes it that way." Frankie giggled at that point because I bit her shoulder. "But go easy on him, ok? He's known about my diagnosis since about a week after we mated, though he suspected it from the day we met. He's seen all the ways it was destroying who I am and he's known that I planned to, you know, since our wedding night. My beautiful mate has known all of this, lived it and kept it a secret despite not wanting to simply because I asked him not to say anything, and I know it's been eating Zan alive for just as long, so cut him some slack. Yes, his normal prick-ish behavior is probably going to get a little out of control but bear with him guys, he won't ever admit it, but Zan loves you all and he's really going to fucking need you right now."

"Darling, I thought you were finished lying to everyone?" I shot her a dirty look that melted the moment she gave me a shit eating grin. "Bah. Fine. Perhaps I dolikesome of them."

Frankie rolled her eyes but didn't skip a beat. "Just be nicer to him, try to understand that he's hurting and really bear with him because I put Zan in charge of some pretty big shit. When he's ready, when he feels like he can, he'll share it, but for now just try to set aside his dickhead personality and support him through this. It's the one thing I regret about the way this played out, not being able to spend forever with my mate, so make forever a little easier, ok?" Frankie wound up packing another bowl because her symptoms began to cause her pain and that's not how she wanted the rest of our night to go. "And now for the real heavy shit. As you've already seen, Zan prepared my big ass in accordance with fae burial rituals. Since he considers Tolan and Ellida his adoptive parents and has no rituals of his own, we decided I'm going to have a fae burial ceremony. By now he's already put me in what is considered the holiest place on the grounds and I'm gonna chill there for two days before the actual ceremony. Cora, you adorable little fairy you, don't stress yourself out over trying to help. Zan knows what he's doing because, unfortunately, he's done it once before, so he's got this. He'll make your kind proud, I have no doubt. Hopefully after that my sexy as hell husband will be able to do the last of what I asked him to and then maybe he'll start to heal."

"Unlikely." I say under my breath at the same time I said it in the video.

Again my darling girl rolled her eyes. "However things play out, just remember I love all of you, enjoyed every minute we spent together and I am so grateful we had that time. Case, Cora, Al, you girls make sure your babies know their Auntie Kiki loves them so fucking much, she was an independent motherfucking badass who did in fact grab life by the balls and make it her bitch, so badass in fact that she married a goddamn demon who also happens to be hotter than sin. Posey, Gracie, you two are totally next and when you have your perfect little babies you tell them the same fucking thing. We may not be blood but we're family and girls like us don't make anything but greatness, and they need to know where they come from. Allie Rose, Big Al Boss Lady, I love you and I will totally make sure to tell your dad that you are everything he hoped you'd be and more. And of course I'll smooch Gramps, Granny, and my mom and dad for you too." Frankie took a massive hit from her bowl then set it down, and searched her mind for a minute. "I feel like I'm forgetting something but I'm not sure if it's a symptom or because I'm too fucking high to focus, so I guess that's it. Hang in there guys, shit’s gonna get better. I love you all. Catch ya on the flip."

I turned her camera off seconds before Frankie broke out intoAnother One Bites the Dustand flashed me. I'm actually almost positive you can see part of her nipple just before it fades to black, but oh well.

My mate said all she needed to say and if anyone saw her nipples while she did it, so be it. They are rather glorious so they should consider it a gift.

"I'm sorry, Zan,” Allie says softly through her tears. "I didn't mean to blame you, I was just upset. I know Frankie well enough to know that when she puts her mind to something she's gonna do it come hell or high water and this was no exception."

I just nod because I do not want to speak.

I want to return to the cave in the mountain where my mate resides so I can stay with her until my mission is complete.