Page 104 of His Atonement
Zan nods.
"Why?"
"Because it is extremely rare to obtain a pure soul from a shifter, a fae, any creature of mysticism really. When one comes to the likes of me to make a deal, their souls are typically already black, already so tainted that the purity is gone entirely; therefore, I receive a soul blacker than night in exchange for whatever is requested. A clean soul belonging to a supernatural being or its mate are the purest in existence, the most raw form of the drug we crave. If The Caster of Shadows was able to add one to His collection, especially against The Maker's wishes or behind Her back entirely, it would bring the son of a bitch joy for all time."
"And since you live here with a clan compiled of the only remaining fae, the only purebred vampire, the last of the dragon shifters as well as what's left of shifters in general, he thinks you have the best shot at making that happen.” I sigh. "And because you care for each of them, you are having a hell of a time choosing."
Zan nods. "Yes, darling, but I must choose. If I do not... do not pick one soul to take, choose whose lives it will destroy, then The Destroyer will allowhe who shall not be namedto choose and force me to carry out the task anyway before inflicting a fate worse than death upon my head."
"Which means he'd definitely hit where it hurts. He’d pick Cora or Havok, Andrej, Colt. Someone you're closest to in order to cause the most pain before what? What would he do to you if you didn't do this willingly?"
"He would extract each of the almost million souls I've collected over the years in the most painful of ways, then replace them only to do it again and repeat it until death is unavoidable. Then, he would resurrect me as a beast much like himself, similar to what you as my mate saw only without any semblance of humanity. I would be a monster unleashed to do far worse things than I have done already."
I kiss his shoulder again. "Which is why you chose willingly to perform his task, they just sweetened the pot by throwing in your soul and freedom too."
"An offer I could hardly refuse.” Zan grips the railing tight. "It still makes me a monster, still makes me worthy of all the hatred one could muster. Even taking a soul by choice will leave that living being an empty shell, an angry, heartless creature full of negativity and madness. And that will destroy not only their life but the ones they hold dear, the ones around them will be affected greatly as well. It is a no-win scenario no matter how you spin it, and I may obtain my soul and gain my freedom, but what use are they when I will have no one to share them with? Surely I will be despised and cast out for my actions in the end."
"Not necessarily… ” Oh man, Zan is going to hate this, hate it so much, but it's time for me to tell him my secret and that in itself should actually solve all of his problems.
He looks down at me and arches a brow. "Not to make light of your diagnosis, my darling, but are you having a delusion right now? That is the only explanation I can come up with for that comment."
I shake my head and bite my lip. "You said the mate of anyone in the clan would do right? Their soul would work just as well as a shifter or something?"
He nods.
"So, we sorta danced around it when we talked about my will and stuff, but… but when I said I wanted to go out on my terms, I meant… " I glance out into the yard as lightning splits the sky. "I meant I planned on taking my own life. I don't want my symptoms to get so bad that they turn me into an invalid, make me some sort of vegetable that everyone has to take care of until I finally succumb to my disease. What if… what if you took my soul? Took my soul before I killed myself? It should work based on what you said and—"
“No." Zan straightens, shakes his head and pins me with intense amethyst eyes. "No. Absolutely not. I will not take your soul and hand it over to that bastard, will not allow you to remain in The End for all eternity. Out of the question, discussion closed."
"Oh fuck off, Zan. It makes the most sense. We both know I don't have a lot of time left, both know I'm not going to be around much longer. If you take my soul before I die then you can use it to get yours back, use it to set yourself free and I won't turn into that zombie thing someone turns into when you take their soul. It won't destroy any lives because of what I could become since I won't be here anyway."
"No!" he bellows, his voice cracking as tears spill from his eyes. "I refuse to believe that you will succumb to that, refuse to think you will have to resort to suicide, therefore your soul is not an option. Your soul is not one myself or anyone else will choose from. I cannot—will not—take your soul, especially just to forfeit it to The Destroyer. I would sooner allow Him to keep my soul and enslave myself for another ten thousand years than take your perfect soul from you! I, I cannot, will not… I…" Zan drops to his knees and sobs, his entire body shaking, his head cradled in his hands.
"Baby…" I wrap my arms around him, pull him to me as he buries his face in my stomach. "My game is over, baby, we both know that. There is no changing it, just accepting it."
"But our bond…" he chokes out. "Our bond… we mated…"
"Something I am more grateful for than I can ever put into words, but let's face it, Zan, if that were going to help me, heal me, change my outcome, it would have already."
He digs his fingers into my hips and presses his face harder against me. "I cannot accept it."
"You have to.” I run my fingers through his hair, holding him tight. "We both have to no matter how much we don't want to, which is why you're going to let me do this for you." Zan just shakes his head and despite how fucking heavy this is, I smile. "You're going to let me do this for you, baby, because if I can go out knowing that not only did I have you as my mate, my husband, the love of my life, but also knowing I was able to help you get your beautiful soul back, was able to help set you free from the monsters that hold you captive, then that's exactly how I want to go. And I want to do it on my own terms, do it when and how I decide, wrapped up in your arms as I leave this life behind to wait for you in the next.” I smirk though he can't see. "Which is going to be at least until everyone's older than shit, including our nieces and nephew because I don't want you to miss out on any of that. Plus I want stories when we're together again."
The rain begins to fall around us now, silent sheets of water casting an even more dreary tone on our night.
I didn't want to have this talk, not even a little because it's so fucking sad and final, but it needed to be done, and what better time then when I can provide a solution to Zan's problem too?
One he finally agrees to.
“Ok," he whispers against my skin. "I shall do as you ask, but only because you ask it. It will crush me, I will not hide that, but I will take your soul in order to set mine free, then I shall hold you as you enter the next life. It shall be done for you and you alone."
"Good." I bend down and kiss his head then hug him super tight. "Now, dance with me in the rain."
Zan gets to his feet slowly, but immediately grips my neck, squeezes his eyes shut as he kisses me breathless, then silently takes my hand, leads me to the yard where we dance in the rain until it stops.
Tonight is just one step closer to the end, but at least there's comfort in knowing I will be leaving a life that is worth remembering, one that has meant more to me the last few months than it ever has.
And that is all thanks to Zan.
