"Good boy," I croon as I hold open the screen. "Mama will be inside in a minute."
He does as he's asked but sits on the other side of the screen door and watches as I walk just a little further into the clearing. The rain is coming down a little harder now and within minutes it's practically pouring, thunder rolling again in the background.
I tip my head back and close my eyes, letting the rain soak my skin, wash away my fear and pain, cleanse my soul of the burden I seem to always carry. Stretching my arms above my head, I push back my hair, letting the icy drops continue to fall over me and before I know it, my tears are mixing with the sky's.
Sometimes… sometimes it's hard not to fall apart.
The constant fear, the paranoia, the agonizing ache in my chest... sometimes they are all too much to bear, but I always press on.
It's the loneliness that gets to me.
I am so incredibly alone, and at times it's so consuming, so crippling that I almost consider just staying wherever I am in order to make it stop, to build at least one friendship, any kind of friendship to replace the hollow, empty loneliness that my life creates.
And I know if I didn't have Samson it would be a million times worse, but even my beautiful boy can't replace all the good that would come with one simple human relationship.
I can't allow that though.
My life is already hard enough as it is. I can't risk letting someone get close only to disappear on them or worse yet, have them around when the man with the soulless eyes comes for me.
And he will come.
I don't know how I know, but I do and when he does, well, I just hope no one else is around to see it.
Soaked to the bone and getting a chill, I lift my head with a sigh. I push my hair back, wipe my eyes and the minute they open, I freeze.
There's a man.
Just beyond the tree line.
A huge man, almost larger than life.
I can't make out much but what I do see are his eyes.
They aren't soulless, not filmy white and hungry.
They're pale blue, a bright washed out pale blue, almost glowing and laser focused on me.
I don't move, don't speak, just watch this man as he watches me.
Then this feeling washes over me, blankets me and seeps into my marrow the way the rain is.
Warmth.
So much warmth and love in those eyes. Eyes I swear I've seen a thousand times, a thousand lifetimes ago.
I'm not afraid; there is no fear.
Just warmth and familiarity.
Somehow I know this man won't hurt me, he's no threat to me. So I back away slowly, and don't break our connection until I get to the step in front of my door. I turn and open the screen to find Samson staring at the man too, his tail thumping happily against the floor.
But when I'm finally inside and turn to look one more time, the man is gone.
And my heart breaks a little more for reasons I can't quite explain.
Reasons to Live and Die
My heart. Oh, that poor, unused muscle is pounding wildly in my chest.
