Weak. Pathetic.
All these words were interchangeable, falling under the same umbrella. Seth tucked the phone under his pillow, withoutreplying to Nina. He curled into a fetal position, as if he could squeeze this feeling out of him.
What had been more odd, was Joshua’s voice arose, an echo of the past.
“What are you doing, crying over a girl? Fucking weak shit.”
Squeezing his eyes shut, he screamed back at this echo of Joshua, that he wasn’t weak.
He was just heartbroken.
That next morning, Jae texted to ask about how it went with Nina. Seeing her name scrolled across her screen was like a sharp dagger through his stomach. He dismissed the conversation instantly.
Seth: She doesn’t feel the same. Whatever. Moving on.
Jae: Damn, sorry man. You still staying friends with her?
That was an answer Seth wasn’t sure of. He wanted, more than anything, to remain friends with Nina. To have endless chatter with her, to walk by her side, laugh with her. Yet, the part of him that wanted more, that tugged at his heart, told him he couldn’t do it. Not right now.
Seth: We’ll just see how it goes.
It was then that Seth swore that he’d waste no more time on it. That he’d move on, move along with his life.
That weekend, he redownloaded the dating apps.
Here, his heart would be safe.
He didn’t need to worry about whether the other person returned feelings. On these apps, he wouldn’t find himselfaffected by their smile, or their voice. Seth would be after one thing, and one thing only.
Nina texted him a few times, sending him little memes and links she thought he’d like. She must not think, or realise, that he was trying to keep her out.
Todetoxfrom what she’d done to him. So, he kept dismissing the messages, leaving them unread.
A week had passed, and soon Nina picked up on what was happening.
Nina: Hey, are you okay? Haven’t heard from you in a bit x
That little ‘x’? Oh, the way it embedded itself like a knife in his heart.
But it was fine, because Seth was talking casually with a girl, called Leigh, who’d swiped back on him on the dating app. They were planning to meet up for a date for that Friday.
And then Friday came along.
Seth couldn’t do it. That morning, he backed out, because he couldn’tdo it.
He’d wanted to water down the part of him that found himselfyearningfor the one thing he was afraid of, ever since he was a teenage boy.
Love.
Except, this couldn’t be love.But it might as well be on the way to it.
Leigh didn’t seem to care much, when he cancelled on her that morning. At the end of the day, it was nothing.
He couldn’t indulge himself the same way, in these meaningless escapades, anymore.
How could he, when he’d been dreaming of Nina’s laugh almost every night?
After the second week, Nina stopped texting.
