Now
There were many things that Seth prided himself on.
Most of all, his ability to escape.
Like in high school, when Joshua would rattle off on his rants about girls, or teachers, or homework, orlife,and Seth escaped his own distaste by just laughing along.
Or the times in class when Nina Mendez’ gentle smile and soft voice set off a fire in Seth’s stomach that he’d never felt before, and he would dismiss it as nothing.
Best of all, was Seth’s ability to escape during the nights when his parents had their biggest fights, and he’d turn to gaming, or music, with the volume turned on the highest, because it was only then that their shouts were replaced.
Then, there was the separation, when Mum moved out to stay with her sister, almost an hour away. That’s when the men, the women, trickled in.
Could you even call it affairs, when there’d be many of them, in so little time? And could you call it affairs, when both parties were doing it?
He remembered the days his Mum would complain about her Dad. The nights that he and his Dad would spend alone, in the living room, munching on last-night's leftovers.
But he also remembered the tears. The wails of his Mum, when she thought he couldn’t hear. The soft sobs of his all-tough, all-mighty Dad.
Again, Seth turned the volume on high. Gaming. Music. Jogging. Anything to escape.
Eventually, his parents found their way back to each other, when Seth was 20 years old. But it was too late.
Somewhere down the line, in the in-between years, Seth decided.
If that was love, then Seth didn’t want it.
And so, he pushed away any possible hint of love.
Of feeling it, of experiencing it.
Seth always knew how to block out the noise. How to run away from his feelings.
And that’s what he did. He couldn’t face the failure, the humiliation, the overbearing weight of his feelings for Nina that would never become. The knowledge that he was too late, that it was his fault was too much.
So he did what he did best.
Run.
Part 2
19
Now
He tried to justify what he was feeling.
This gaping abyss at the pit of his stomach, the sensation of his heart beating in a hollow cave. An unquenchable thirst at the back of his throat, but the inability to ingest anything really.
Of course, the word already floated around his head. But the idea was laughable.
How?How?
Seth spent most of the night lying awake, staring at the ceiling. Nina had texted him when she got home from her drinks, asking him how his night went, while also giving details of her outing.
He read through them from the notifications on the screen, his stomach twisting in an agony that he wanted to rip out.
It rendered him feeling completely pathetic. It reminded him of the first night he spent alone in his room, when his Dad left the house and didn’t come back for a while.
